I had a post all set up, but something more imminent and more important happened. The attack at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando Florida,
There are a lot of news articles, I am just posting one here for you.
http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/12/us/orlando-nightclub-shooting/
Please be careful, and my heart goes out to everyone that suffered because of this.
It’s the little things
I went to lunch with work folks last week. I’m often asked to lunch by different folks in my immediate office. This translates to me eating out an awful lot. It’s terrible for my waistband, but amazing for my sense of belonging.
Work lunch!
It’s such a small gesture, but for me it’s huge. Sometimes the tiniest pieces of normality are the things that make the most impact when you are part of a group of people that receives so much hate.
My coworkers are all good people. They all accept that I am not only married to a dude, but that I am out of the closet about being transgender. The folks I see every single day, to the person, have all been super cool about it.
It’s not like I have a sixth sense or anything, but folks that pause, wrinkle their noses, and then stoically shake your hand when you are introduced are not really hiding the fact that they find you untouchably disgusting. I’ve encountered a lot of people in life that act like shaking your hand is a a huge effort on their part, and I should be grateful they even tried. You know, because they have to make sure somehow I know I am this freakish trans thing.
I have had past coworkers do that with me when they figure out I was transgender. Sometimes they have no clue initially, and I see them at their best before they draw back, and give that look that they undoubtedly use when smelling something terrible.
So disgusted.
That’s why most of the folks in my current job are unwittingly some of the best allies I’ve ever had professionally. They just treat me like any other guy on the floor. Not only that, they come talk to me at my desk, and ask me to go to lunch with them. Not just one or two. We are talking an office full of people who don’t have to be social with me at all, but are.
When you have to repeatedly deal with other people “finding out” about your transgender status, you pick up social armor. You don’t necessarily seek out company unless you are pretty sure they are cool with you. That’s because it’s always worse when you start a friendship, and then watch your new friend act like you tricked them into talking to someone like yourself.
Ha Ha! Fooled you!
I often spend time alone on my lunches and breaks. For one, I often need the time to recharge, and for the other, it means I don’t have to wait to find out I am obviously being excluded. No matter how old I get, or how much I really don’t give a shit at the end of the day, it’s still unpleasant.
That’s why I find myself in a pretty amazing situation. I work for a very conservative government office, and my immediate office mates are all cool with me. Even if I butt heads over a professional opinion, it’s not about me. It’s about our job, and differing opinions.
Even more amazing, people ask me if I want to go to lunch with them. I was thinking about that last Friday as I was with an unlikely group of people. We had different flavors of queer folk, straight folk, cis folk, and trans folk. Our lunch group had super conservative folks, politically all the way to my super liberal self.
I don’t think I have ever been in a situation where I was accepted along with everyone else. Of all the quirks I have, being transgender isn’t the one that anyone cares about. If anything, I get the feeling I am part of the team, and am protected by my work relationships from those that might not be so accepting of me.
It’s a relief not just for me, but for my husband as well. I know it’s hard for him to meet folks that seem cool, then watch them recoil when they meet me, the out transgender guy. Some folks are totally cool until they actually have to shake my hand, and my husband sees it all play out. That means seeing the vast majority of work accept me like this? It’s a load off his mind too.
While it may be just running out for lunch at the local Mexican food joint to everyone else, for me, it was the first time in my adult life that people knew I was transgender at work, and didn’t care at all.
I am recently back from Atlanta, a bit tired and jet lagged, so I don’t have anything from there ready. However, I figured today I would just give you a generic update about life.
We turned down an opportunity to be on a Discovery Channel reality show called “Pillow Talk”. We were contacted about a month ago by one of the people who had found this blog (probably after the NY Mag interview). According to the rep, they had a new documentary and she felt we would be perfect. In her words, it isn’t a regular reality show, but one of those “documentaries” that shows four couples for a two hour show.
First, I want to say that Discovery Channel and their agents were all incredibly nice. They presented it clearly and indicated that each of the couples was an “unusual” long term relationship. I guess Jello and I do fit into that category. They wanted to showcase how couples that were different from the norm, were similar to everyone else despite what made the relationships unusual. It did sound like a nicer documentary then the screaming tantrum filled ones.
They said it was a documentary.
However, the format of the show was uncomfortable. We were supposed to have a camera set up in our bedroom for 6 weeks and they would continuously film it and edit it. We were to have heavy conversations in there along with our normal nightly activities. They guaranteed they would always “fade to black” if they included “romantic time”.
I obviously like to talk about our relationship, but I will be honest, I was a bit uncomfortable before I heard the bedroom part anyways. A reality show, even in a “documentary” format is way too focused on ratings. Meaning the drama is usually increased for the audience and that is not what we want to portray. I never want to take advantage of the “freak factor”. I just want to share our story.
In addition to this, we were contacted by a couple of friends who have worked with Discovery Channel and they warned us off. Not that the scouts are lying, but rather the final version of the reality shows they were involved with tended to not be what was agreed upon. That was really the final blow to our decision. Not that the Discovery Channel has any ill will, but there isn’t enough control on our end to be comfortable doing it.
Funny enough, even before we turned down the Discovery Channel opportunity, we had been contacted by a wonderful publishing house. They have asked if we could write our story in a book format (using the blog as a basis). We are taking this by ear, but hope to have something written in a few months.
Well those are the big updates. I know Jello has several blog entries he has been working on, and I do have some as well (at least one from Atlanta), those will get rolled out soon. We will see you all soon!
One unexpected thing about being with a transgender person is that you get to become a transgender spokesperson as a side gig. At least that’s how it went for my husband and I.
I find most folks that are not in the transgender community will not actually ask me anything about being transgender. There are exceptions. Terrible, rude, and ignorant exceptions, but for the most part nobody talks about it. In fact, most cis gendered folks trying to be accepting seem very uncomfortable about the topic in general. Everyone seems very very shy.
I think this is because most folks don’t want to insult a transgender person. They don’t know the terminology, and know we are up in arms about some questions. (Like our genitals!) I don’t think most folks know more than that.
This means, my husband gets every weird transgender question out there. People will go out of their way to ask him questions all the time.
I first noticed this when he went up to tell his family I was transitioning. He went by himself, and they had a lot of questions. More than either of us would have thought. When I went up later, nobody said a word, though. This was to become a pattern with how people interact with us.
It’s played out among friends, acquaintances, and coworkers every since. People we interact with seem genuinely very curious about how we are married for so long, that I am transgender, and what that means for us. They will talk to my husband for ages about it.
Then, as soon as I come along, there is silence.
I’m not saying every transgender person is up for yet another round robin of transgender 101 with everyone they meet. I’ve chosen to be open about it, though, and have always been completely transparent about questions to a degree. I’ll discuss the process, medication, and what transgender folks in general go through. I’ll discuss in detail how cool my top surgery was, and that I love my round furry belly, and my facial hair.
It’s just a funny disconnect, that folks will ask my husband a lot of questions, but are too polite to ask me.
Now my husband is my official spokesperson. Which is really weird. He is patient, but I’m sure eventually he’ll be very tired of it.
I guess it all goes back to how transgender is a stigma in our society. For people, I am this huge weird freaky thing. In reality, being transgender is the least unusual thing about my life. (To paraphrase the famous and gorgeous.) The only thing that has changed with that, is that my physical appearance changed, and folks stopped second guessing me.
If it wasn’t such a huge stigma, then I think people would be more likely to approach me directly. Nobody wants to insult me, but it’s more than just being polite. I embody a huge social stigma, and it would be insulting to infer to me directly anything about it. If it was really no big deal, people could ask if you were gay or transgender, and there would be no risk of insult just by asking if someone was.
This is why I think my husband is now in an unenviable position to be the tour guide to all things transgender and me. I appreciate every time it happens, how willing he is to unwaveringly stand in the face of sometimes very ignorant people.
When I did transition, I don’t think this quirk was one either of us expected. It’s part of the deal when you are with someone that’s transgender though.
So if you are getting together with someone that is transgender, the longer you with them, the most likely you will be the transgender tour guide.
I thought today I would regale all of you with my very first ever exclamations of “leave me alone I am gay” that I have ever said.
Jello and I were walking along the back part of a mall like area, having just eaten some good Mexican food (no this has nothing to do with the story). As we came walking up to a group of young ladies who were clustered around a blond woman.
The blond girl spun around and purposefully walked up to us. She wasn’t wearing any uniforms, or any sort of insignia. She stopped in front of us and asked “Would you give a donation?”. She followed up fairly quickly with “Would you give to the Salvation Army”. She had some sort of small box in her hand.
Several things happened at this point. We had stopped moving forward, I glanced over her and noted she didn’t have that red vest you see the bell ringers with; she didn’t have any sort of work gear at all. My gaze went back to her picked at face that had scabs. Something read as phony about her, not the least was her face (for some reason I had fixated on that).
It was about this time that I noticed Jello had closed up with his body language and all of his body posture said “let’s leave now”. My best recollection (this happened last week) I turned to her and without blinking I said “You are definitely the wrong charity to ask stuff for. We can’t give to the Salvation Army, we are gay and that would be against our beliefs.”
She looked stunned and I think her friends after a brief intake of air thought it was funny. Meanwhile Jello and I had started walking past her. She turned to face us leaving but didn’t say anything else.
Jello and I talked about it later and we both think she was strung out and probably a meth head (which the picked at face is a pretty big give away… sadly I have family and friends of family who had to deal with this issue). I definitely don’t wish her ill will but neither of us believes for a second she was legit, and even if she was there is no way I would give to the Salvation Army.
Oh, and if you are not sure why it matters if she was Salvation Army is their stance on same sex relations, marriage and transgender people. I do admit they do help, but other groups that believe in intolerance help as well and that doesn’t mean we support them. If you ever want to help someone I urge American Red Cross, The Trevor Project, or Howard Brown Health Center.
Also I apologize for no pictures, I am at a work training and this was done on my phone and that was way too much effort
This week was the first time ever that I had to select the box of being in “same sex” marriage and that I was officially in the LGBTA community. In fact this happened twice. Not that anything suddenly changed this week, just that my first survey (this one for work) that I have gotten since Jello was able to flip the gender marker on his ID and birth certificate asked my status. The next day my doctor’s appointment had me update my personal status as well. Both of them resulted in me going from a heterosexual to a homosexual marriage.
I swear these answers are from my survey.
I was enthused, but then I also felt weird. Not in a bad way, not that it was weird to be in a same-sex marriage and to love a man. Rather it just felt like I was being fake, or an imposter. I deal with imposter syndrome a lot anyways, but this was different (and yet somewhat the same). I was worried both times that I wasn’t really in the LGBTA community, and that I was faking it.
This started this week when I got to the end of my yearly federal work survey. I had zipped through checking the boxes I am used to (caucasian, middle age, etc). I realized just as I went to check the marriage status and my orientation that it was no longer the same and it made me come to a pause. It made me wonder am I lying now, or maybe I have been lying from the start. Neither is true of course, but it was a weird reality check.
I suspect part if it is I feel like I have been lying from the start. I have never been straight, obviously I have played around in group situations with guys and have met many men I thought were attractive. That of course combined with the fact I think women are beautiful and I enjoy being with them meant I firmly was fixed in the “bisexual” zone. The difference I guess is when I was with Jello before his transition people assumed I was straight, now that he is fully realized I am assumed to be gay. Either way it dawned on me that I felt like part of me is erased because of assumptions others make.
I do admit I had a lot of privilege passing as straight. People didn’t immediately grow aggressive with me, jobs weren’t denied to me because of my orientation, etc, etc. However, this was the first time that society could look at me and I no longer had the privilege that it wasn’t obvious. So of course I selected it, announced loudly that I had contributed to my agency’s diversity rating and where was my cookie. Ok, not funny now really, but I was tired and it sounded funny then.
The next day the doctor’s office had me update my information and once again I changed the boxes. The weird part in the doctor’s office is the receptionist asked me twice if that was accurate because it wasn’t what was in the system. I think that made me self conscious.
By the end of that doctor’s appointment I definitely felt like maybe I was an imposter. It was a stupid emotion, that I will unpack (and revisit) later. However, this post isn’t intended really to address the erasure of who I am (by the assumption I am gay or straight), nor does it mean to address the worries I won’t be accepted into LGBTA society. It is mainly to say this week was the first time I had to fill out different demographic data. I am happy I can do that (I am so happy to be in a same sex marriage with Jello), but it was a marker for more changes in my life.
Don’t worry, there will be posts about orientation, feelings of being an imposter and more later. I just thought I would share the change in my official demographic data.
Yes, I have some real posts coming as well, however I just wanted to share. I went out last week and picked up a real camera (not just the camera phone). Don’t forget my favorite subject to photograph is Jello! This means you will be subject to the most handsome man ever!!!
Jello hanging out and looking good.
While I am talking about Jello, his surgery recover is awesome. He still has some lipo soreness but he is looking really good. He is able to move around and work out.
Jello giving me a Friday morning before work smile. Yes that is Minecraft stuff up behind him.
The one thing I have noticed is his renewed confidence. Before when he was wearing the binder he would hunch over, even if the binder did an excellent job at hiding his chest. Now that we are 2 months post-op he is never self-conscious. He will happily wear body hugging t-shirts (something I don’t dare do myself).
Friday morning testosterone ritual.
I noticed this as well with his interactions. He has always been a pretty direct guy. He will walk up to people and talk to them, introduce himself, dance with people, etc. He never had a second thought until the transition itself. It seems some of that plucky outgoingness is appearing. That makes me happy.
He is 5’7″ tall, but my jacket makes him look like a kid with my 6’4″ frame. (my cellphone took this)
While I will probably pepper all of you with a lot more stuff (plus some topical posts). Besides I get to show off the upper three photos from new camera as I learn to do this!
Last week Jello and I were out looking at new apartments to move into. We scoured all of the surrounding Seattle areas and ended up a little out of the way at a gas station. The gas station had one of those “Bikini Barista” spots in the parking lot that our area is “famous” for.
JJ is considered an “upscale” version.
For those who don’t know, bikini barista spots usually have young women dressed in g strings and bikini tops. The coffee is usually more expensive and not as good (it attracts “customers” that are more interested in perving on the girls than coffee). Several of the stands in the past have been nailed for various forms of prostitution, and after those raids the remaining stands seem more legit, but still keep what they are doing, attracting assholes.
Fairly common site.
Personally I had only ever been to one bikini barista before this, and it was by accident. The stand had been normal espresso stand two months before. We were going up to visit my mom and so I needed some coffee. I pulled in and found myself in a bikini barista parking lot.
I felt awkward and bad for the ladies working. They weren’t very happy to be there and the customers in front of me were sleazy to them. I ordered coffee anyways without being able to look at anything but their faces, just because I didn’t want to be one of the other sleazes that walk up to the stand, stare and walk away. So I got a poorer tasting espresso, tipped her well and walked on. Damn she was way to young for me to even be comfortable looking at her.
So last week we pulled in and parked in the gas station portion of the parking lot. We noticed a guy standing in front of the barista building. Jello decided he wanted a hot chocolate from the barista stand, which is unusual. He usually will do gas station or go to a Starbuck’s. A bikini espresso stand seemed unusual for a man who likes other men so much. I think now he must have noticed the customer at the bikini stand was being a little weird at the window.
We wandered over to the stand and the guy hurried off. We stepped up and Jello engaged the young lady in conversation. She was only wearing a tiny bikini top and what looked like a thong. She looked harried but smiled. She couldn’t have been older than 22-23, although even with being harried she was very courteous.
We talked for awhile and joked a bit. Jello ordered his chocolate and she asked me what I wanted. I panicked a little, I wasn’t interested in anything but the gas station coffee so I said I didn’t want anything. This caused a slight uncomfortable pause from her as she just stared at me. Jello was quicker than I at the response and mentioned I was there as support for him.
It was at this point that she blanched, she seemed worried and at that moment we both realized she thought I had just wanted to take a look at the girl without paying. Jello burst out laughing and quickly explained to the barista that I was his “married” support and that we were two gay guys wanting coffee.
The young lady immediately relaxed and gave a real smile. She joked about them opening a “banana hammock” stand down the road. She then went into detail about the guy who was there before us. He didn’t even order any drinks, he was just asking her questions about herself and touching himself with one hand in his pants pockets. When Jello explained he came over because the guy was seeming weird, the barista thanked us. She told us she didn’t mind guys ogling her, it was part of her job, but not buying anything, leering and touching himself while asking questions wasn’t what she signed on for.
I turned around to look at the guy but he was already gone. I was so damn pissed. I hate watching guys hit on women in bars, restaurants, etc. I don’t even understand why you would do that. If one of my friends does that, I will shut them down and a lot of times never go out with that individual again. No matter what though, when someone near me does that, it usually makes the woman not trust me (and no I don’t blame her).
The thing that struck me as strange though, this was the first time I recall a woman who was being harassed and talking to me about it, showed no worries about me. The fact she considered me gay and therefore safe was unusual for me. I think it has only happened a couple times before (and I usually didn’t notice it until later).
We chatted a little more, made sure the guy wasn’t returning and got my coffee from the gas station. On our way out, we noted another sleazy looking guy in an overblown Ford pickup. She once again had that frozen/courteous face and looked uncomfortable. There are times that cisgendered heterosexual males annoy me, that was definitely one of them.
Over the last couple years, I have learned what its like to be walking around publicly with my husband and have people go from seeing us as a heterosexual couple to a gay couple. The change was slow to happen, but now that I look back I see a lot of difference.
I haven’t had many problems with people reactions to us in person, the most we get is the occasional scowl, although maybe that is because I am 6’4” and almost 300lbs. Because of this I generally don’t fear people’s reactions around Jello.
Last Wednesday was a surprise, it had started a bit rough for me. I still haven’t dealt with my father’s passing (that will probably be in a few months if its like other things with me) so I was grumpy. However, no matter how I am feeling, the longer I am around Jello the less grumpy I get.
We were standing in line and Jello and I were chatting and I started joking around. I joke around a lot and I am pretty physical with my friends, and even more so with Jello. I am always pushing, shoving lightly, poking, etc. In fact if we go to lunch with someone, Jello almost always makes me sit with them, both because he wants to eat lunch with the least poking and prodding, and he thinks it’s funny when other shave to deal with me. As a side note, the more physical I am with a person, the more I generally like them.
I was basically raised by wolves
Like I have talked about before, sometimes Jello gets a little worried because now that we are viewed as a same sex couple, people don’t always react as nice. When he was younger and people interpreted him as being a lesbian when he was dating women (pre-transition) they would chase after him and threaten him. So when we are in line at a store, or in close proximity to people he doesn’t know, he isn’t always the keenest on physical contact.
Behind us was a Sikh gentleman, minding his own business. I suspect he hadn’t even really noticed us. At this time I was joking with Jello and patted his head. I don’t remember exactly what I was saying, but it was something smart ass. Jello reacted half jokingly (he is an incredibly loud and boisterous personality). Jello did a weird pushing my hand away movement and joked around about leaving him alone. He then froze because I think he noticed the gentleman behind us.
I felt bad for a millisecond, worried I had just caused a scene that would end in frustration with people. While I am also loud and boisterous, I don’t like making Jello feel uncomfortable too much (nor those poor innocent bystanders around us). That is when the Sikh gentleman broke out into a huge smile. It wasn’t just a polite smile, but its the kind of thing you see on someone who notices a couple joking around, or kids playing and thinks it is the greatest thing in the world.
The smile conveyed a happiness at what he saw, and an acceptance. He had one of those smiles that lit up the area around him, large white teeth and he was unafraid to show his humor. I realized instantly that he knew we were together, and he approved of our joking around. It is unlikely I will ever meet the gentleman again, but that humorous acceptance of Jello and myself changed my whole mood that day. He cheered me up on the inside, and I can’t put words out that would satisfy how appreciative I was of that simple reaction to me being with Jello and joking around.
I just thought I had to share with you folks. Sometimes the small interactions make all the difference.
Things are going great with Jello’s surgery. He is looking FANTASTIC. It has been a little over 8 weeks since he had it and the chest is healed up well. The liposuction on the hips and belly are a bit rougher healing wise for him but looks great. I will post pics in the future of him, but I felt it was better he got to post his results first.
However, the flat chest (as opposed to the DD breasts he had before) is something I am still getting used to. Not in a bad way, he looks really good. I am really attracted to him, however it is still taking a bit to get used to the changes.
Flat as this board, but softer.
Holding Him: For twenty two years I had a hard time holding him around the chest from behind. I would often come up behind him, wrap my arms around him and hug. My arms would barely wrap around. Now, my arms wrap around completely and I can actually hold my opposite elbows. It isn’t bad, but every once in awhile it just catches me off guard and I usually have to do a double check.
This is not what I mean.
Open Windows: This became apparent yesterday. We had just gotten out of the shower and he was sitting at his computer without a shirt on. I was on autopilot as I shut all the drapes. I had been so used to doing this for him for 20+ years (so he could walk around topless without people freaking) that I find myself doing it on autopilot when he doesn’t need it.
I am seriously disappointed that people who present as women have to worry about this shit.
Body Reassurances: Sometimes, when I am feeling lovey or stressed and we were in private (in bed, or just in our house usually) I would lean over and cup a breast (sorry if its TMI, but then again you have read my other posts right?). When this is done, it is usually a subconscious thing, I don’t actively thing “Hey, I want to hold his breasts”, it was just something that developed between us (and he has told me for the last 20 years he is fine so please don’t think I was groping without permission :)). It became a weird automatic thing, which now I find uncomfortable that I had did it.
It was never Justin Bieber creepy though.
I have done it a couple times since then, and then is the resulting awkwardness as I look up realizing I had tried to touch, but just ended up poking his flat chest. We both laugh when it happens. It is just weird how an unconscious habit like that keeps going.
New Clothing: He is tossing out half a dozen shirts (and probably another half a dozen when we replace the first half a dozen). He likes clothes to begin with that are nice. Now most of his shirts are billowy on him and don’t fit. So when we went out and bought a new pair I was caught off guard. Even with a binder he had a thicker chest, but now he wears shirts that hug his body and it gives me a double take. He worries about the money to replace his wardrobe but I am more than happy to get whatever he wants.
As a side note, I still like laying my head on his chest, the missing breast tissue doesn’t seem to really make a difference for me. Still a very comfortable place to be, and I get to hear his heartbeat better (which is something I like).
In short, I love the way he looks. I think the old habits are extinguishing quickly, and I am sure inappropriate new habits will develop.
I am really proud of the struggle he went through (and continues to go through) and I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.
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Accidently Gay 