About Accidentally Gay

Love Wins

The short of this is I am a middle aged white male. I am married to a wonderful spouse. He was my wife for the first 22 years of our marriage and then he came out and is transitioning to male (that was almost 4 years ago).

I am writing this blog to explore the my journey in a same-sex marriage and my own gender identity challenges. I would love any feedback, since I have found absolutely NO sources of men staying with their transmen partners when the transmen comes out.

I am also going to also use this blog to talk about my adventures in the LGBTA community.

34 Responses to About Accidentally Gay

  1. Charlie says:

    There are gender variant women, from the “butch” to women who can “pass” for male but still fully identify as female, to tomboys, to even farmers who wear men’s clothing because it’s easier to work in. I met trans men who still like to dress up in drag or in effeminate ways, which makes them no less men — I mean, I have friends who are cis and male, and wear makeup constantly. And if you still (want to?) identify as female, while your spouse identifies as male, while it would be kind of quirky, the technicality is that you’re still in a straight relationship.

    Here is a popular blog for partners of trans men: http://transmanpartner.blogspot.com/

    Trust me, there are PLENTY of masculine women, and plenty of tall women (look at Nene Leakes, about 6′ tall even without high heels, even if she is femme). Except for the equipment you have, what would make you any different from any other woman?

  2. tiffany267 says:

    Congratulations! Tiffany’s Non-Blog has nominated you for the Liebster Award!

    Please see details here:
    http://tiffany267.wordpress.com/2014/06/30/liebster-blog-award-2

    Thanks and keep up the great blogging!

  3. doubleinvert says:

    My marriage ended after 23 years due to my transition, but I’m so glad yours is working!

    -Connie

  4. DogDharma says:

    I have at least two pairs of friends whose marriages have survived. One was a hospice care nurse who transitioned to male in his 40s, and he and his husband are still together.

    The other also transitioned later in life, after years of marriage, from male to female. They are still together together with a grown daughter, and are very much pillars of the community where we live, very visible and very respected — even more so for the journey they have shared.

  5. I just found your blog and am really looking forward to catching up…this doesnt happen often and I really makes my heart full…cheers!

  6. nmwords says:

    Your experience is amazing, thank you for sharing!

  7. curiousmother says:

    Hi, I’ve just found your blog. You might have seen this article already, but if not, it’s from the Sydney Morning Herald a couple of months back. I didn’t think of it at the time but there’s no account here of a man staying with a trans man! Hope you enjoy it anyway. I’m really looking forward to reading more about your amazing life!

    http://www.theage.com.au/good-weekend/transformers-the-unique-challenge-of-changing-gender-within-a-relationship-20150306-13jm4n.html

  8. tjuan216 says:

    Don’t get me wrong, I think your story is beautiful. But I read the article in NYmag and it seems (at least from the article) that you really ended up where you wanted to be. You are attracted to men. The night that Jello told you about his wanting to transition you were at least headed towards the acceptable of your bisexuality. This reads to me differently than a straight spouse who truly has to overcome their inhibitions. I think that is partly why your marriage survived. Women are given the tools to a certain extent to stay in situations that aren’t ideal or that change. But I think a truly straight guy wouldn’t have been able to stay because they generally lack the tools and like you said are given the message that their are other fish in the sea.

    • Hi Tjuan, I am not sure if you are the same person as over in NY Mag, but I answered a similar question if you want to check the comments. I can see what you are saying. I have my own prejudice that I don’t understand why someone can’t stay, but then again I have seen partners leave because one of them got sick, got disfigured and I don’t understand that as well.

      • Jay says:

        Hello TJuan,
        The comment, “This reads to me differently than a straight spouse who truly has to overcome their inhibitions. I think that is partly why your marriage survived. Women are given the tools to a certain extent to stay in situations that aren’t ideal or that change. But I think a truly straight guy wouldn’t have been able to stay because they generally lack the tools and like you said are given the message that their are other fish in the sea.” It isn’t true for all men, and a straight man can love his transgender husband. I know this because my husband loves me. It is society’s prejudice views of men that creates fear of love and acceptance. A man must give up who his sexual orientation to love outside of a box that is made up of false beliefs is not right. Love has no boxes. If you truly love someone than why must you be boxed and judged for love? Staying with your husband, and going on a journey that takes more courage than the average person can ever know. My husband and I chose to separate based on this concept, only to learn love doesn’t care about boxes. My husband has had no support. The tools woman are offered are not offered to men as easily or readily. They are often left alone in place where only there love and courage can create a new beginning to exist. Straight men, gay men, cis gender men and transmen all are judged based on their masculinity and boxes men are put in. For a man to step outside of this box, takes courage, takes love, acceptance, and they need support.

  9. R says:

    Thank you for sharing your story, and being so open about your experience. It takes a lot of courage and bravery. I am not familiar with the transgender world besides what I am exposed to on the news, but your story is inspiring and your chose to share it is even more inspiring. Thank you.

  10. Sam says:

    I read your article, then clicked over to your blog to read more. Fascinating story, and it gave me more insight to a dear friend and his wife, who were in a lesbian partnership for many years before he transitioned. I guess you could say he’s now Accidentally Straight.

  11. Lori Perkins says:

    I am the publisher of Riverdale Avenue Books, a leading LGBTQ publisher. I’d like to discuss turning the blog into a book. Please email me lori@riverdaleavebooks.com. We just published Finding Masculinity: Female to Male Transition in Adulthood, which you might find interesting. We were also nominated for 3 Lambda Awards and a Triangle Award for books published in 2015, and tied for Bisexual Publisher of the Year in 2014. http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Masculinity-Female-Transition-Adulthood/dp/1626011877/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1458419283&sr=8-1&keywords=Finding+Masculinity

  12. jocelyn says:

    hello 🙂 I am a casting producer for a new tv show and would like to speak with you. If you are open to hearing about it please email jfillmancasting@gmail.com

  13. MrJ says:

    Only just found link to your intview with science of Us this blog today, but from what I have read so far it has helped seeing someone go through the same situation I am in now.
    My husband is very early stages ftm have only told very few people.
    Just wanted to thank you so much for sharing you story

    • I am glad we could help. If you need anything, even just to talk let us know (oh, and sorry logging in from my non-accidentally gay login, sorry about that).

      • MrJ says:

        I would really like that. We in a fairly small town so not a lot of support in our area still pretty nervous about opening up to family.

  14. clubtenna says:

    Thanks you for writing this. I am newly self-discovered FTM, 28, married to a straight man. Reading your blog gives me hope that we’ll be able to work our way through it.

  15. Hello Lucky,
    I am an assistant editor with The Advocate magazine… I apologize for contacting you here, but found no other contact information for you. We are interested in your story and would like to possibly interview you for the magazine. If this is something you may be interested in, please email me: desiree@retrogradecommunications.com
    Thank you!

  16. Lin says:

    Hello,

    I read an interview with you guys in NYMag and, thankfully, there was a link to your blog. I was looking for resources, or anything really, to help my husband with my future transition. I’m so happy that you decided to make it, that he’ll be able to read it, and mostly for knowing that he’s not alone.

    Thanks so much.

  17. Levi says:

    Thank you so much for this blog. When my boyfriend and I got together, he knew I was trans and he always used the right pronouns and everything, but he didn’t give much thought as to what transitioning would really mean for our relationship. He’s bisexual and always said “I’ll find you attractive no matter what gender”, but we recently came to the realization that it’s not that easy. That he loves my physical form as much as he loves me on an emotional level, and that he is very very afraid of loosing that, and (for lack of a better way to say it) “not getting something in return” that he’ll be able to find attractive. I have high hopes that your story can help him with that, in ways that I can’t.
    Either way, thank you.

    • Thank you for your comments. It is difficult and I really hope this blog helps in whatever way it can. It can be rough, and sometimes it isn’t a matter of accepting a different gender, rather its accepting the change itself in a person.

      I think for me the biggest reason this has worked is Wolsey was my best friend above and beyond everything (not that you can remove being my spouse from that now that it has been so long). The key is to keep talking.

      If there is anything I can do at all please don’t hesitate to ask. I am here to help others as much as people have been there to help me.

  18. LC says:

    Thank you for this blog. I came out as transgender 14 years into my marriage to a man. It is a shame that there is no support group for that… there are so very few of us trans guys & cis guys who choose to stay together. I’ve only seen one other one on FB (Jake Farr & Jeffery Farr), other than this blog.

    • Lucky says:

      I am really glad we can help in any way we can. You are right though, it is always so rare to find someone else. I never had luck with support groups myself.

  19. belliboneone says:

    I just discovered your blog by way of the 21 March 2018 article in The Advocate. I was once far more out online than I am at present, but I had security issues–insert long, complected story I won’t go into–that caused me to reconfigure my online presence and to write online about being a transgender woman only anonymously.

    I applaud the extraordinary courage the two of you have shown in this terrifying climate or growing bigotry and violence, and I am deeply moved by the enduring love the two of you share.

    Our community will weather this dark era and come out the other side. As Joan Roughgarden said, transgender people are universal and eternal. They can get some of us, but they can’t get all of us.

    I don’t think my trans brothers and their partners/spouses get nearly enough love from my side of the aisle, so here is some!

    Gigantic hugs to both of you from one of the sisters!

  20. ronjarcissa says:

    Just wanted to let you know that this blog feels like a warm, cozy and loving home in a world that can be frightening and full of worries. It keeps being hard to find stories of men staying with trans people who identify as masculine, and to then find a story of a couple who are navigating that reality and in the meantime are just awesome people, too, is really comforting. Thank you for sharing your story this way.

    • Lucky says:

      Thank you very much for your words. While it was never in doubt at home between Wolsey and myself, sometimes people on the outside would say or do something negative towards our staying together.

      It means a lot to us when we get positive support. An awful lot.

  21. Jay says:

    My husband is a cis gender, straight, white man in his late thirties. Our marriage has been very challenging since I have come out transgender. He has very little to no support from anyone. People choose to box him in boxes that make them comfortable. It has been challenging because he is alone in his journey as I am with allowing our marriage to move forward. Why must your sexual orientation define who you love? The real fact is that it doesn’t. My husband deserves support for his love and courage in an binary world full of boxes that don’t fit. I know my husband read your article because that is how he termed himself, accidentally gay. I know he is alone and isolated because he chose to love outside a box that he was put into. Men love just as woman do, it sad to see how cruel people can be to a man who loves his transgender husband. I hope you have had an easier journey than we have. Our marriage is challenging because my husband is suppose to fit in the box he has always identified with. Now that he loves me, no matter what, unconditionally he is looked at as less than a man, why? I wish my husband had more support because he has taught me love has no gender, no sexual orientation, and does not fit in boxes. Hopefully, anyone who reads this knows love is not defined by what you thought you identified with, but who you love. Love has no boundaries, for men, for women, unless they choose to put them there. Any man who chooses to love his partner for who they are is a man who loves. Before society casts there judgment, do they not see love has no definition in their box thinking. Thank you for reading.

  22. My (straight, cis) husband found this blog, and shared with me, a “baby trans” guy. I’m so looking forward to reading about your journeys together. How can I get in touch privately?

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