Book Update

I had a couple of people email me asking about the book so I will give a quick update. The editing got pushed back until next week due to other publisher changes (other books not ours). So it is still a go, things are looking good and I am still excited.

I am even more excited because once it publishes it means Wolsey can submit his books he has been sitting on and get them published either there or self published (they are an urban fantasy series, not about our relationship).

I want to thank everyone for everything! I will keep you in the loop (and no, by no means is this going to be more then Starbucks money, I just think its cool I get to tell my story about Wolsey and I).

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First, let me be very very clear, passing or not passing as most people call it has no reflection on the person who is trans, and this isn’t meant as a judgment of that, rather if someone “passes” they are more likely to be safe and when it comes to Wolsey I just want him safe. No matter how you present though, just be proud of yourself!

My intrepid hubby has been at his new job for six weeks now and he loves it. During this time everyone has been treating him great. He gets along with everyone, and at no point in time has anyone clocked him as trans. Not ever a single doubt.Not through the interview process, working with multiple auditors and supervisors no one has assumed anything other then he is a cisgendered guy.

I think the only person that might have had a chance to know anything had worked with me about 8 years ago (for the same agency).Recently Wolsey told her that he was married to me, and she remembered me. I do think it is humorous though that she either forgot I had a wife back then, or maybe she thought I got divorced and remarried. Either way, evidently no one else can tell (I don’t think I could if I wasn’t already married to him).

I am reporting this back because this is the first real experience we have watched with him working with people closely and there isn’t even a blink about his appearance. It makes me feel calmer, it means he is safer then he was 2 years ago. He will be left alone unless he decides to reveal that information.

That is my big takeaway from this, my husband is safer now. I am grateful for that.

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Published in LGBTQ Queer Culture Journal MELK

Ok, I am a liar. I post that I am not posting anymore and what happens, here I am again. I am officially a published author, by a real publisher and not a vanity publish.

This isn’t the book deal we are waiting on, that is supposed to come out in the next month or two, this is a short writing that a Norwegian Queer Culture Journal that publishes quarterly.

They asked me to write a story about Wolsey and I. I was more than happy to.

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Thank you.

I cannot express how thankful I am to everyone past and present who has been so supportive here. Wolsey’s transition was the biggest thing to happen in my life up until now and with the lack of sources for husbands staying with their transitioning spouses I really only had the people here.

Thank you so very much for everything. I don’t think people can understand what it means to me both in the past and into the future.

I just wanted to explain to everyone that I probably won’t be posting here for a while. Right now, I only have long and angry rants about what I am watching happening nationally and in the overall world, and that isn’t what the blog is supposed to be about. It is about my life with Wolsey.

Wolsey is fully transitioned, happy and healthy. Life is good, and a lot of things have come up that have other focuses in our life (don’t worry we are definitely good with each other), that is demanding our full attention. 

I just wanted to explain for the time being why I wasn’t posting. I just don’t want to mix the overall purpose of the blog with me shouting into the void.

 I am still around, I definitely am here if anyone has any questions or wants to talk, I just don’t think I have any appropriate original content for this venue at the moment.

If you want to read my inane personal blog you can still find it at, there will be links there to other gaming blogs and other subject matters.

Although there will be upcoming links and posting on when the book is coming out and if there are any more articles or public things I do related to this.

Once again though, I am here always and anyone needs anything whether publicly or privately you can reach me through here. I want to help with my story and with anything I can give to the community.

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Working while transgender

I thought I’d share some of my experiences in my most recent adventure in working while openly transgender. As most of you probably have gathered, my husband and I work for an agency in the Department of Defense, and this year’s politics have not gone unfelt at my workplace.

I had to file a harassment claim against one of my supervisors, which those up the command chain decided did not rise to the level of harassment. This was in spite of overwhelming management support of me at the office level where it happened.

This is why I started looking for a job right after I got out of surgery in December. I will be leaving the highest paying job I have ever had. I am going to a similar job that over the long run will top out at less money overall.

I had entertained the idea of staying, but the supervisor I had made the harassment claim against is being promoted. I am the second person to file against her, the other being race based in nature. I don’t want to stay at a place that protects people that use their positions of power to harass others.

I knew I had made the right decision when today I was told a certain email had been a part of that harassment claim as evidence where my bottom surgery had been brought up in a stupid way by the supervisor I had filed the claim against.

This is all a part of working while transgender. I can accept all that because I have a good degree, and a resume that gets me in the door of many other places with little problem. This will not be the last time in my life this is going to come up. I don’t choose to hide that I am transgender. It’s going to come up again.

What I can’t accept is worrying that my husband will face backlash from my speaking out about being treated poorly. This terrible supervisor argued to get my husband on her team, and we’ve both been walking on eggshells in case she acts against him. That’s not a way to live. It’s overshadowed both our work lives for months now.

I really love working alongside my husband, but it’s relieving not to. I don’t ever have to worry about my being transgender being used against him in the work place if we don’t work in the same job.

This is really the crux of being openly trans in our culture. Sometimes the best paying job isn’t the one you keep, because the less paying job is more accepting. That’s not something you should have to deal with, but it’s a reality in 2018.

I am very grateful that I have the opportunity to just hop to a different job. Not all transgender folks have those kinds of resources or options.

This is probably one of the larger reasons there been few posts recently. It’s a lot of energy to deal with all that, and it eats into everything else. I am confident over the next few months things will be getting back on track.


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Evidently its not a same-sex marriage.

Evidently I am not really in a same-sex marriage according to some of my coworkers.

Last week I flew down to Atlanta for training. Once again for those who don’t know, I work for the Department of Defense auditing Defense Contractors. This means many of my coworkers are very conservative, and a surprisingly (and sadly) large amount voted for Trump, especially people not from my office in the liberal Pacific Northwest.

It should be noted while I say that, it is usually men that are super conservative and weird. I have been very fortunate that most women have been great, no matter where they are from. In addition my office is even more supportive overall compared to the DoD in general.

We went through the initial introductions and some of the students have been in classes with me. When they asked me what was going on, if we had any hobbies, relationships, etc. I always start out with the upcoming book. This allows me to get out there I am in a same sex marriage and that I won’t put up with any transgender discrimination bullshit. People know immediately if they want to avoid me or get to know me.

I am ok with the usual shunning that occurs from a large chunk of the people (especially men). It prevents awkward situations later. I also am fully out there because I think it changes things. When people actually have to interact with LGBTQ in person, it sometimes changes their view.

As usual most men sort of ignored or avoided me during this conversation and most of the women were intrigued, asked me about the book, about how long we had been together, etc. There are always several women that want to know when the book is going to be published and what the name is so they can get a copy. I suspect this is because women are socialized to listen more, and also they always seem to get that “omg that is so great” that I stayed with Wolsey, whereas most guys roll their eyes and say I should have just moved on.

After all that things mellowed out in the class. However, I noticed that there is a table in the back where the men are just giving me the “the look”. It was a lot more obvious than normal. I can’t tell if this is because of the Trump election since my last training like this was right as Trump was elected and before the nation became even more cruel to marginalized groups.

This happened for most of the first day. They wouldn’t look at me even during conversations that the lecture made us go through.

What I did notice is there was a very quiet woman who sat at their table who would look at me. She smiled and had that kind face that said “I am sorry my table mates are assholes”.

The trip back to the hotel we all stayed at had the same thing. The men at that table wouldn’t look at me. They even avoided climbing on the elevator with me and one other person and waited for the next one.

Weirdly enough though, the next day at lunch the nice lady from their table came over and sat with me and asked me about Wolsey and about my life. She shared about herself too, how she was an immigrant as a child and came over, but now she considered herself fully American.

She asked some polite questions about the transition, about how long we were married, etc. She was surprised when I explained that Wolsey was my wife for 21 years, and then transitioned to being my husband. I don’t think she ever considered there were FTMs out there.

She relayed that everyone at her table seemed to think that I was married to a guy for 21 years and he transitioned to being a woman. I joked how that couldn’t be possible because for the first 20 years of my marriage, same sex marriage wasn’t even legal.

After lunch she went back to her table and I could see her talking with the rest of them. They all kept looking at me and a change in their demeanor happened. All of a sudden they didn’t give me that look and on our way, back to the hotel they even chatted with me for a short bit. Don’t get me wrong, there wasn’t any approval in their tone, but it was a lot friendlier.

Evidently they don’t consider Wolsey a boy, and that I am not actually gay.

I definitely got the impression they don’t agree with the whole situation, but this is the first time someone has treated me like I am not in same sex marriage purely based on the fact that Wolsey was born with a female body.

The rest of the week they would talk to me politely in class (huge switch from obviously ignoring me the first day and a half), but that was all. Strangely enough, that made me a lot angrier about the situation then when I was just getting the stink eye from them.

I am still processing this now that I am home, but I wanted to get that out there on what happened. Evidently some coworkers think I am not gay (or bisexual as the case actually is) and I am not in a same-sex marriage. That just pisses me off more, touche Trump voters you scored a small victory on me this time

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Unexpected Increased Anxiety

I have noticed something since Wolsey’s transition, my anxiety over how I look has gotten worse, and I assume it is because of the media and how they portray gay couples. Hot looking guys with other hot looking guys. While Wolsey is a hot guy, I definitely don’t feel in that category.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always been uncomfortable with myself, even when I was skinny. I always thought Wolsey was way too hot for me. When he presented as a woman I always felt I had married “up” compared to myself, and this continues with him in his true form, he is still very hot.

However, conventional heterosexual standards are sexist in the way that was beneficial to me then, that it isn’t too unexpected to find a hot woman with a guy that shall we say… isn’t on her level. That was how things were from my point of view and society seemed to feel similarly. I can admit even I thought that when I saw other couples with conventionally attractive women were with men we wouldn’t consider conventionally attractive.

I have noticed though since Wolsey’s transition that I get more anxious now. The fact that he is now actually a gay guy instead of appearing as a woman seems to have deepened my anxiety. He has always been reassuring since we got together and I know logically he would never leave me. My weird self-esteem issues have been problematic for me, but he has never given me reason to think they were real. That being said, I have picked up on this anxiety of not being hard bodied enough to deserve him, more so than when we appeared as a heterosexual couple.

I assume its because both media and what appears to be the LGBTQ culture shows the most attractive men are hard bodied gym guys, or masculine bears (I don’t quite measure up to that as well). Of course this doesn’t even address how racists our views of attractive gays since media usually portrays them white men almost exclusively. 

The funny part is that when we did appear as heterosexuals, we had guys actively moving on him trying to get in between us. We haven’t ever had that happen yet with us in his post transition, although now that he is post-surgery and in recovery our social lives should pick up and we will be around a lot more people, so who knows maybe it will happen.

This post doesn’t really have a wrap up, I just wanted to state how I was feeling and maybe in future posts more will become evident and having this here will help. I also wanted to reassure some of the people who have contacted me that yes, even now I have worries and fears. It is definitely normal (although maybe I get a little more anxious then some).

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