Accidently Gay

I haven’t had top surgery yet, and believe me, it’s becoming all I think about. I spend more of my brain power on how my chest looks, how uncomfortable my binder is, or counting down to when I can get surgery than anything else. It’s as if I have this program about my chest running in the background of my head at all times, eating up my batteries.

I’m not an overly thin guy either, so it takes quite a bit of squish to get my DD’s flattened enough to keep me feeling safe. Even when I did lose a lot of weight when I was sick in 2007, I never lost my hips or my breasts. (Pre-transition.) Almost 2 years on testosterone, I have still not redistributed enough fat to get rid of the hips.

This means, I am planning on not only getting top surgery, but a bit of lipo around the hips and thighs. I’m actually in the Greater Seattle area, and am going to go to Dr. Mangubat, who does a two for one combo “manscaping lipo” and top surgery.

I was going to do this last summer, but between our work and debt situations, it simply wasn’t possible. Add to that, I get my insurance through a federal government job, and there was no funding. This put it off until 2016, or three months from now.

It was frustrating to watch as my FTM friends started getting funding through their medical insurance to cover their top surgery, while my Fed insurance still had a rider stating they would never cover transgender care. I was ecstatic for all of them, but frustrated that the federal government was a giant ass taco about refusing to cover transgender services.

My husband actually put in a human resources discrimination complaint, and the folks were slow and unsure, but handled it well. The military has lost several transgender related lawsuits recently, and it’s not likely they would prevail at stopping my top surgery. That means they handled us with kid gloves.

I am the first FTM civilian person to seek top surgery through them, so they don’t know what to do with me. They do know, that the rider is being dropped this coming year, in 2016. I know things are moving fast for coverage on the whole, when we are talking about the federal government, but on an individual basis I feel like Veruca Salt from Willie Wonka, “I WANT IT NOW!”

This means, in 2016 I might be able to get it covered. We are going heavy on the hopeful “might”. Group Health says they will cover, but nobody knows by how much. I’ll still be out of pocket for the liposuction, as expected.

Regardless of if it is covered, or by how much, I have my trusty Visa. They don’t care what I pay for, as long as their interest fees are covered. I don’t mind paying for it by myself if I have too, because living in a binder sucks. I happen to be in a good financial position. Being middle aged and transitioning after you have a good job has it’s perks. Not that I recommend waiting until you are 40, though.

The upshot of it all, is no matter what happens with the funding, I will be starting the process for this in January. I plan to go through the motions with Group Health, as if the insurance will cover as soon as the year flips over. I just have to hold on to my inner Veruca Salt until then.

Best case scenario, insurance covers, and I only have to pay a couple thousand for the lipo. Worst case scenario, I get a lot of points on my Visa. Either way, I will get some of that brain processing power back, when I no longer have to think about it.

I graduated college after only being on testosterone for seven months, and at that point about 70-80% of folks read me as male. This meant job hunting was often difficult.

My voice was one of the first things to change, so I had a very masculine voice coupled with a very not-so-masculine face. This meant I did really well in phone interviews, but in person things were hit or miss.

After attempting to get a job from June to October, I finally landed one in my field via phone interview. It was a law firm that specialized in foreclosures, that was being heavily audited, and obviously circling the drain. That meant they needed workers with accounting backgrounds fast, and any issues I had didn’t matter to them.

I was very nervous about this job because it would be the first one I had ever worked while presenting as male. I overdressed, with ties, so as to compensate for my late blooming masculinity. I figured giving cues to help folks identify my gender couldn’t hurt.

That didn’t help too much, because the first day the maintenance guy kept referring to me as a woman, and then aggressively attempted to gender check me when I went into the men’s bathroom.

I knew he was following me in, so I approached the urinals despite not packing or using an STP of any sort. When he stood staring at me with his arms crossed, I turned around and gave him my best WTF look. Then I said as confidently and aggressively as I could muster, “What?! You gonna hold it for me, too?”

Then he backed up, and panicked. If you present something with enough confidence, sometimes you can make folks question themselves. He apologized, stuttered, and bailed out of the bathroom. After that, my failure to read as hyper masculine was chalked up to my being obviously gay, because I had a husband. It was like I passed some test for him, because he thought we were friends after that. I did not share that sentiment.

However, I did what most transgender folks do at that point, and controlled my fluid intake, and tried my level best to avoid the bathrooms at all costs. There were not enough bathrooms in the building, and the overcrowded conditions combined with being accosted there didn’t really make me want to use them.

Eventually I did get outed on the job by a very catty woman who tried to dig up my Facebook, and look for proof that I wasn’t what I said I was. I’m completely out in my home life, so being stealth at work was annoying. Even more annoying was the game of “do they know or don’t they know”.

Randomly having ladies tell me I looked “so good” as if I was a model, as code for knowing I’m trans is annoying. Having an older lady that was friendly with me suddenly act like I had the plague in the lunchroom and literally running out was fascinating. Not everyone knew, but enough did, after that one coworker outed me.

I’d like to contrast the with my new job. I’m already pretty much out to everyone. My husband works there, and he has had to deal with HR about transgender care coverage with the insurance. I have been out to eat with his coworkers. Most of all, he keeps pictures in his cubicle that do include pre-transition pics. (I am totally cool with that.) Everyone there treats me as if I am just me, and the trans thing isn’t really of note. I like that.

When I was down in Atlanta for training, with other new hires that didn’t know, I noticed I hit all the right masculine notes. There is no longer a question on if I read as male. Being in a same sex marriage actually helps, because if I do something less than masculine, like sports-fail, it is just rounded up to my being gay.

I am curious as to when the ten folks I was hired with at the office start hearing I’m transgender. I have a lot more faith that it won’t be communicated in a shitty way at this office because older employees are already in the know, and have been educated.

My coworkers that know have heard about the things that happen to trans folks, and have had a year of knowing my husband and I. This means they are horrified by what happens to us sometimes. I feel they are fairly protective of me on this, and have gone out of their way make sure I feel welcomed.

In short, I feel safe in this environment. I can’t honestly say I ever felt safe in my old job. Not that I thought I would be attacked physically, but because of the constant background crap about my being transgender.

I do have a bit of trepidation because my new-hire buddies will take this knowledge with them back to Atlanta when we go for training, and I can’t help but be wary of how that will pan out. Even then, I am sure it will be something I never see, because my new job is very much about diversity.

If I had to do it over again, I’m not sure I would stay in the old job as long as I did. I really needed the paycheck, and I stayed because I was sure I could handle myself if it got physical. However, it’s hard to judge how much of a toll having that background chatter takes, until you are out of it.

I also never wanted to be stealth about being transgender. I was just so desperate to get a paycheck. I feel being stealth, and getting outed is so much more emotionally fraught than being up front about it. Nobody can use my being transgender against me if I am already open about it. This means being in a work environment where everyone knows is emotionally easier to deal with.

Most of all, I am ecstatic to be able to drink water and tea at work, and be able to pee without having to worry about being accosted in the bathroom. Small victories are sometimes the most needed.