I have noticed something since Wolsey’s transition, my anxiety over how I look has gotten worse, and I assume it is because of the media and how they portray gay couples. Hot looking guys with other hot looking guys. While Wolsey is a hot guy, I definitely don’t feel in that category.
Don’t get me wrong, I have always been uncomfortable with myself, even when I was skinny. I always thought Wolsey was way too hot for me. When he presented as a woman I always felt I had married “up” compared to myself, and this continues with him in his true form, he is still very hot.
However, conventional heterosexual standards are sexist in the way that was beneficial to me then, that it isn’t too unexpected to find a hot woman with a guy that shall we say… isn’t on her level. That was how things were from my point of view and society seemed to feel similarly. I can admit even I thought that when I saw other couples with conventionally attractive women were with men we wouldn’t consider conventionally attractive.
I have noticed though since Wolsey’s transition that I get more anxious now. The fact that he is now actually a gay guy instead of appearing as a woman seems to have deepened my anxiety. He has always been reassuring since we got together and I know logically he would never leave me. My weird self-esteem issues have been problematic for me, but he has never given me reason to think they were real. That being said, I have picked up on this anxiety of not being hard bodied enough to deserve him, more so than when we appeared as a heterosexual couple.
I assume its because both media and what appears to be the LGBTQ culture shows the most attractive men are hard bodied gym guys, or masculine bears (I don’t quite measure up to that as well). Of course this doesn’t even address how racists our views of attractive gays since media usually portrays them white men almost exclusively.
The funny part is that when we did appear as heterosexuals, we had guys actively moving on him trying to get in between us. We haven’t ever had that happen yet with us in his post transition, although now that he is post-surgery and in recovery our social lives should pick up and we will be around a lot more people, so who knows maybe it will happen.
This post doesn’t really have a wrap up, I just wanted to state how I was feeling and maybe in future posts more will become evident and having this here will help. I also wanted to reassure some of the people who have contacted me that yes, even now I have worries and fears. It is definitely normal (although maybe I get a little more anxious then some).