LGBTQ and Female Friendly Gaming

The hubby and I are gamers. Meaning we play lots of video games, table top roleplaying games, LARPs, etc. However, other than private games between each other we haven’t been very active since his transition and especially since the surgeries.

Now that his surgeries are over we are up for making an attempt and get back to our hobbies. However, it has been a rough time period for gamers that we know, people have faded out, working jobs that don’t give them the schedule to play or have just went on to do other things.

This isn’t a big deal, we have dealt with having to arrange a new gaming group before. Normally we just announce it to the local groups, and we will have to sift through dozens of people being interested. This time however there isn’t a large group of Seattle gamers in any LJ communities (and I haven’t been on LJ in a long time anyways). Instead we find a Meetup group for Seattle that also has a Facebook page.

We checked the page, 300+ gamers with a lot of posts with people looking for a D&D game. I figure D&D seems to be the most popular right now, so I will run a D&D game. If the campaign works, that is great, if not maybe we can collect some of those players into what is left of our group as new permanent members. It shouldn’t be hard, there are dozens of people looking for groups.

The one thing I realize though is we are an older group with very heavy woman and LGBTQ group. I do not want to deal with any anti-trans, anti-queer or anti-women shit so I post a very specific request.

If people are interested, they would have to be ok with women and LGBTQ in games. I figured this wasn’t a big request, after all I live in the Pacific Northwest, land of the liberal progressives.

We only got two responses.

It caught me off guard, I wasn’t sure if maybe I said something inflammatory so I had others read the post and no, it was pretty straight forward, with a link to our campaign website and was very friendly. The only thing that was specific was the heavy women and LGBTQ members in the group.

The positive is that I got two players who did respond, and they responded specifically because I made it clear it was a woman/LGBTQ friendly group. Maybe that means while I cut out a lot of players, the ones that do want to play will work a lot better with the group.

However, I am still surprised though at the lack of reaction, and disappointed that so many people were put off by it being a female/LGBTQ friendly group. I don’t really have any other reason other than that for the ad.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised, I had a prior post that had a similar response and is what prevented me from really getting into Warhammer and Blood Bowl. I guess it has been over a year and like a goldfish I forgot. I thought maybe a RPG would get a better response.


I did get two people interested, we will see how this works. I figure worst case scenario I will use Roll20 and find people online. Maybe end up with a group that is exclusively women and LGBTQ members if this doesn’t work out.

Whatever happens, I am glad I posted like I did. I would rather people self-select themselves away from me then having to deal with any outbursts that are offensive.

Either way, I get to run me some old school D&D and that is a positive!


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Healing is going well

It has been a month since Wolsey’s surgery and I just wanted to let everyone know he is doing great. The recovery has been a lot better this time then last time, he is perky just like normal.

I also wanted to thank everyone for their support, messages, etc. It has been better than expected experience, except for the drain issue.

I couldn’t ask for a better Christmas present then seeing him happy with who he is and how things are turning out.

I do have more posts coming, but with the holidays this is all you get.

Oh and Happy Holidays to everyone!!!

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Final Surgery Galley

The final surgery is done, and Wolsey is home and safe. I didn’t post nearly as much this time since it was the third time we had been to Phoenix and nothing new had happened. I figured I would just post the gallery when I got back with some basic details (most of which is in the last post). Really, his post is much better than what I could do :).

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Mons Resection Surgery Results

We got back two weeks ago from a  successful Mons resection. The hubby is feeling pretty great, but there were some issues. The hubby went in depth on his surgery tumblr. I am using Press This to put it in here.

Personally I am exhausted so I won’t talk much myself here. The whole endeavor was pretty draining emotionally, but I am so happy for him. I will put up the gallery of our trip later today and talk about some of my frustrations with the medical after that.

Sorry I have been so quiet, I will be back :).

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When transgender celebrities misgender other transgender people

I knew my husband was upset when he IM’d me at work, and asked if I had listened to the latest Savage Love podcast #577 with Buck Angel. I knew someone, either Dan or Buck had probably said something shitty again, and my husband’s incredibly protective nature over myself, and other people in the transgender umbrella was on guard.

I listened to it. I’d like to say I was surprised, but I was not.

Buck Angel was the first transgender man I had ever seen. He had my attention immediately, because as an undisclosed transgender man, seeing someone that might be like me was really cool. I looked up to his acceptance of his body, and confidence in himself.

However, Buck doesn’t come without problems. There are folks that have discussed this in more detail.  Below are just a few articles. There are a lot more archived snapshots of Buck’s problematic record on things out there, but I found the sources more chaotic and difficult to easily link up. These give the general idea.

The Advocates article on the pyramid scheme. 

Lucian Clark’s article on Buck and the Transgasm pyramid scheme.

A followup article that also shows Buck’s ideas on disclosure and the word “tranny.”

For me, as an auditor with an accounting degree, it was the pyramid scheme that really caught my eye, and caused me to look into Mr. Angel with a bit more depth. I’m not even sure he understood what that was, but perhaps he thought it was a good money-maker for himself, and a few folks would get surgery out of it. Yet, a pyramid scheme was exactly what it was. It was a crass prioritization of his own income with a 25% take of the prospective charity donation haul that really put a bad taste in people’s mouth.

When I first came out, and talked to other transgender people, I was told by a frustrated transgender woman at a live meet-up that sometimes transgender people are the worst to each other. I think she was right, sometimes.

My biggest issue with that podcast was I was witnessing Buck as a transgender man, who had managed to get on hormones and get the surgery he wanted, belittling a newly out of the closet transgender man that was most likely just starting his journey. I guess this is the situation for the caller due to the young age.

Right out of the gate, Buck called the caller by feminine pronouns. A simple question about being frustrated because the caller couldn’t find gay men that were interested in him turned into a rant by Buck about “trans men” not being transgender enough to be taken seriously.

We don’t know that caller. For all we know these were his first steps out of the closet. He might not want testosterone or surgery because of health or money concerns. He might feel differently a year from now. Also, there are perfectly acceptable transgender men, that don’t want testosterone or surgery at all. That doesn’t undercut their gender identity.

You can’t take someone’s gender away from them just because you don’t like their path through transition, yet that is essentially what Buck did.

I felt to some degree Dan allowed Buck to continually misgender the young man for sensationalism. It’s Dan’s show, and by allowing Buck to chronically misgender the young man, Dan is complicit in the insult. Are we to believe that Dan doesn’t have full control over his show, and could have told Buck to be respectful, even off camera? I felt he was too busy crowing happily because Buck was saying what he wanted to say himself, but couldn’t.

Dan has his own issues that have surfaced again and again, but he does seem to learn from it over time. I feel he’s done a lot of good political things for the community, and once he gets his fingers burned, he re-evaluates his stance, and moves on. That’s why I listen to him. I can accept missteps as long as someone is showing growth.

Buck? I have not seen that kind of growth. His insistence that he is transsexual, because he had top surgery, and that anyone that calls themselves a trans man is not trans enough was weirdly out of touch.

In the above articles he has also doubled down on his comments about using the word “tranny” and about the need to disclose your transgender status to avoid embarrassing and humiliating partners. See the above links for all that.

Mostly, I object that Buck seems to think that you have to clear a bar of masculinity with testosterone and at least top surgery to be transgender enough to be taken seriously.

I think as a community we need to stop gatekeeping each other, and telling each other that transgender people aren’t transgender if they don’t follow the one true narrative. If Buck can be the self-described “Man with a Pussy” and make his own definition of masculinity, then why is that option not afforded to the caller.

(Edited the above  paragraph, because I accidentally a word making the meaning the opposite of my point. Fixed.)


Since I wrote this, and scheduled it to post, there has been an update.

The next podcast in sequence published a transgender man that nicely pointed out that the response to the caller was unkind. It was super nice, but still pointed out the issue.

Then there was a Savage Love Letter of the Day post that also had a response, where the issue of Buck misgendering the young man repeatedly was addressed.

It’s a bit of an eye roll, but I suspect they will do better with the podcast moving forward. That’s kind of Dan’s thing. He says bitchy shit, gets an uproar going, then he does better. I have to say, that I do think that I read somewhere that Buck walked back those statements about bottom surgery, that they are referencing.

Buck did put an apology on his Facebook page, of sorts:

I wanted to post here before some people make assumptions about my time on the show. During my advice, I accidentally misgendered the caller. Twice. I actually didn’t even realize it until someone posted that I did it intentionally. I would never misgender a fellow community member on purpose and if for some reason you think that, you are wrong. This was the first time that had happened. I made a public apology to the caller. It was really a horrible thing. But mistakes happen. A that’s the facts. Now I know some will say I’m just back peddling and I expect that, but I am not. I made a mistake I am owning it and I am moving on. If you want to use this as a way to continue hate you are welcome. I am not. Thank you for listening and hearing me. Love Buck

I often hate the nitpick the words people use for an apology to find more offense. That said, this kind of sucks. When you take the misgendering in the context of having two different people with celebrity status dog piling on a young transgender person that came to them for help? It’s shitty.

Plus, this seems to be missing a sentence that I read originally when it came about Buck stating he made mistake and he’s now moving on. I don’t have the skills to track the original, but the original made me just roll my eyes.

In the followup article I linked originally, Buck stated his desire to educate, and work for the community in a more political activist fashion these days. If that’s the case, he really needs to get his shit together. He has years of this kind of thing at this point.

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Thankful on Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving 2017 everyone, I just wanted to wish everyone that, and to share something that I am very thankful for.

One of the things I am very grateful for is that Wolsey’s dysphoria over appearing feminine did not extend to pictures of our past, or force him to have to hide that we were together before he transitioned.

Thanksgiving Dinner, one year into transition for Wolsey in 2014 (second from right), sadly I am not in it since I was only one to take photos

I know other transgender people don’t have that luxury, and other couples have had to hide both their pre-transition lives together. I completely understand that, and would have done it if he needed it.

That would have been one of the roughest parts of Wolsey’s transition for me, if I had to permenanatly jettison 20+ years of my life with my husband because pictures make him hurt. We only did that for a short time and it was rough.

We were stealth when he first came out, its why I got rid of my original Facebook, moved my videos to a new channel and basically cutoff anything before 2013. This was because of his first job and with how crazy they were.

Now that we are out and loud, it does make life harder in some ways. We get the normal issues that anyone out of the closet gets, and it can be hard. However, I discovered it was harder for me being stealth. I had to hide who I was (there is a post about this coming up) and I had to let people put me in some stereotypical boxes that weren’t accurate. It was worth it for my husband and my marriage, but it wasn’t easy.

Now though, I can proudly show people pictures from twenty years ago, tell stories about what happened and not have to constantly worry I might out Wolsey. I am very thankful for that on this Thanksgiving Day.

Wolsey and myself 1993 at his parents house. I think this is the only photo of us together on a Thanksgiving.

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Tearing Each Other Apart

I am tired of the whole “not trans enough” debacle that I sometimes see. The gatekeeping done by some people to tell others they haven’t done enough to be considered their identified gender. It just smacks of hypocrisy, and another way the trans community tears itself down in a weird pecking order of who is entitled to be called trans.

Unfortunately I don’t have a source.

Now, Dan Savage is problematic in many ways. He has stuck his foot in his mouth before, and undoubtably will do so again. However what keeps me supporting him is that he appears to learn new information and move on. Unfortunately not all of his guests seem to follow that.

On Savage Lovecast number 577 a caller who still presents visually as a female talks about himself being a trans man and his frustration that he isn’t accepted by gay men intimately. He is pre-T, pre-surgery and is evidently shaped as a female. He is trying to find out why he isn’t being accepted and what he can do.

Now, I am going to put aside the actual question the caller asked, and address the response by Buck Angel, a well known transgender man who came out as a gatekeeper and misgendered the caller.

Buck Angel

Three times during Buck Angel’s response he referred to the caller as “her or she”. He has never known this person, never interacted with them, has heard they identify 100% as a man, yet he still misgendered the caller. He has absolutely no reason to misgender the caller except to be dismissive, its not like he met the caller and had a history with them and accidentally misgendered them.

I was a little stunned at how he could do that, but as Buck continued to talk that was the least offensive thing I found.

He then went on to address how gay men aren’t attracted to feminine presenting people, and I am not disagreeing with that, but he also wasn’t kind about it. He then went on to school the caller about realistic behavior and about how he was more manly and it somehow gave him authority over the situation to pronounce how the caller was wrong to have any expectation to be considered a man by gay men.

Meanwhile Dan Savage did all the right things, except he was dismissive of the caller. However, he never misgendered the caller and never called into question their identity. He suggested they might find a bisexual guy who could appreciate the caller being a man, but who appeared on the outside as woman. Even with that advice though, he allowed Buck to continue and egged him on a bit.

This is when Buck decided to make a dividing line that he was “transexual” meaning he was fulling identifying as male, and how the new “transman” status was blurring the line and causing problems.

From my position, the term transexual is more of an older term that isn’t generally used by someone under the age of 40, and that transman is no less of an identity as being a man then transexual, and in the modern lexicon transman has replaced transexual. In fact I know a lot of trans people who are offended by the term transexual.

My husband is a transman, he is proud about it. I find it very frustrating that the “man with a pussy” (as he likes to call himself) is a gatekeeper because others might not have had top surgery, or look as masculine as him. It doesn’t matter what characteristics you still have, or what status with hormones, to tear apart someone else in your same community is horrific to me.

I wish the community would stop that, there are already enough wolves at the gate and to have to worry about tearing each other apart.

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