Accidently Gay

Transitioning female to male is like walking into the welcoming arms of obscurity. It’s like having Harry Potter’s cloak on. You find yourself slipping into society unnoticed. This isn’t true for everyone, but it isn’t unusual.

When I decided I wanted to medically transition, I sought out a local gender group. It was filled with transfeminine people. It was organized, and run by transwomen. There were a couple teen trans boys and genderqueer kids, but not a transgender man to be found.

I asked about the possibility of finding more transgender men, so I could talk to others about what to expect. The ladies were nice, and said most transgender men faded away.

I remember some of the gals were frustrated. I understand now, that some transgender men gain a lot of passing privilege. Testosterone is amazing at obscuring the feminine. For us, that works in our favor.

It’s very easy to be read as male for me now. That is despite starting as a 110 pound, super feminine person, that could sing in soprano. Now, I’m 170 pounds, with facial hair, and have a voice that is so deep I can’t even begin to sing the old songs I loved.

Even when I do out myself as transgender, I’m more often met with an odd nod. That’s it. The hate transwomen face, isn’t usually aimed at me. Most folks make a statement about how they’d never had known, and tuck it into that space where they they file information on folks with weird hobbies. Even in my super conservative job, folks are still accepting. That is the basket of male privilege transgender men receive.

This means we really don’t have the visibility that transgender women have. The world finds transgender women titillating and scandalous, whereas transgender men just melt into society a lot of the time.

This invisibility, is like a low key super power. Before I transitioned, living as a woman, I couldn’t just grab my keys and go. There is so much societal pressure on women. Get your makeup on, make sure your hair looks right, make sure you are dressed right. Do you have your purse? How are you getting there and back? You can’t just walk, if it’s dark, because that’s dangerous. Is the location near a bar or other venue where drunk men will be? You’ll need to think about safety.

These are all things every woman has to consider. If you don’t, some dude will be there to comment on you, your body, and/or try to hit on you. It’s an every day occurrence. Riding the bus was an exercise in frustration because dudes always think they can chat you up, and you never know if they are going to be aggressive if you slap their bad pickup attempts down. It’s like a weird creeper jack in the box, where you don’t know if the crazy guy trying to hit on you is just socially awkward, or an anger management issue away from freaking out.

There is also an added layer of male privilege at play. To go about your life as male is to not be noticed. You are the default option, now. Women are often treated as a commodity in public, as if it’s a man’s world they are entering.

That kind of visibility and harassment is not something that happens to me now. I grab my keys, walk out the door, and literally nobody out in the big wide world talks to me. Nobody gets in my space. Nobody demands my time. If I’m having a bad day, nobody tells me to smile. I am invisible to the world.

Personally, I find it relieving to be able to do this, but also I find it infuriating. I had always assumed my experiences while living as a woman were universal. There were just a lot of bad creepy boundary breaking men that bothered everyone. As it turns out, they only target women, and often when there is nobody else around to help. These jerks know what they are doing, and like their targets isolated. This isn’t an issue of being socially awkward. It’s predatory.

I know this because the everyday issues I faced as a woman don’t even happen in my line of sight now. I now understand why so many men are confused by the idea that this happens. You literally don’t see it. These creepy men aren’t socially awkward, they know what they are doing. They won’t do it in front of other men.

So not only am I now low key invisible, that entire world is now invisible to me. It’s just part of being invisibly male.

News to seethe angrily at, while you eat your pint of ice cream.

Headline: BBC Woman’s Hour host Dame Jenni Murray says trans women aren’t ‘real women’
http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/03/05/bbc-womans-hour-host-dame-jenni-murray-says-trans-women-arent-real-women/

From the article: “The 66-year-old broadcaster and feminist wrote in the Sunday Times Magazine to make the comments suggesting that trans women can never be “real women” because they could experience male privilege before they transition.”

This is the stupidest logic I have ever heard. It’s like saying if you were born rich, then became poor, you still couldn’t understand the issues someone faces in poverty, because you were once rich. It’s like saying you can’t understand what chocolate ice cream tastes like, because you’d had only vanilla before. It’s a stupid argument.

If anything, most transgender people have a deeper understanding of the privileges at play because they are the only population that has lived on both sides of that divide. This has been written of at length by transgender people.

I was kind of a feminist before I transitioned, but once I received my gift basket of male privilege, I was furious! I had thought all those years that annoying creepy men were a blight on the human race, when really, they are only a problem for women.

Once transition put me firmly in the male camp, I have never been talked down to in a hardware store, never had my competence questioned in any number of arena’s, and have never had anyone bother me when I was out and about doing errands, or taking the bus. To realize that these issues, or should I say men, only harass women, and it’s infuriating. It’s really what made me a feminist.

This woman goes on about how she isn’t a TERF, but she is the textbook definition of one. TERF means Trans-exclusionary radical feminist. It’s very definition is someone that is deeply involved in women’s rights, saying that transgender people, usually transgender women, don’t count as women, and should be excluded. She is a TERF. She is a textbook TERF.

There is an update: http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/03/06/bbc-issues-impartiality-warning-to-womans-hour-host-over-transgender-row/

There were some consequences to her bigotry.

Headline: Liberals and Conservatives Uniting Against Trans Activism Isn’t a Rarity—It’s a Tragedy
http://www.themarysue.com/liberals-and-conservatives-vs-trans-activists/

This is in the same vein. It’s one of the best write ups I’ve ever seen on the weird across the aisle partnership that some liberals will sign on to with conservatives, in order to attack transgender people, and their basic rights.

I’ve seen this in action for years. I am often just astounded that liberal activists, and often self proclaimed feminists, will do this. It’s shocking to me no matter how often I see it.

This one needs a warning. These articles are graphic, and contain violent pictures and video of a woman that was murdered.

Headline: Smartphone footage captures Brazilian transgender woman pleading for her life prior to being beaten to death
http://www.news.com.au/world/south-america/smartphone-footage-captures-brazilian-transgender-woman-pleading-for-her-life-prior-to-being-beaten-to-death/news-story/42bad78ac9177c85a5529a23c48398ad

This is horrific. If you just google “transgender woman beaten to death brazil” it’s literally everywhere. They took her out, beat her, and killed her. There is video. The situation in Brazil is awful for LGBT folks.

Pink News were the only ones I could find with an update: http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/03/09/devastated-mother-of-murdered-trans-woman-asked-what-happened-what-did-these-boys-do-my-god/

Apparently, they have found the murderers, and brought them and the teenage boys who helped with the attack to jail. I was surprised to see that. I didn’t expect the police in Brazil to even care. I guess we will see if they actually do anything with it, though.

Seriously, protect transgender women. If you see something going down, step up.

This is my weekly roundup of the background radiation I am exposed to. It’s usually the bad and ugly of how the world treats LGBT folks, with a heavier emphasis on the T’s. I like to leave the full links exposed because then you can see where the article is.

I am a big news consumer, and here’s what got my drawers in a knot this week.

Well, I think the biggest story this week for me was Trumps administration rolling back protections on transgender students. While this is horrible, I have hope that so many people were talking about this issue. I have so many links on this.

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/02/23/trump-administration-officially-reverses-obamas-transgender-bathroom-protections/

http://boingboing.net/2017/02/22/trans-rights-are-human-rights.html

http://theslot.jezebel.com/donald-trump-lifts-federal-protections-for-transgender-1792656064

http://www.themarysue.com/transgender-bathroom-equality-takes-a-blow/

This is a big issue. It’s a rolling back of basic rights. I mean, do we have to go over how being able to pee in peace is really a basic human right? That it’s not too much to ask? That transgender people are victims of violence in bathrooms, and not the aggressors? It’s exhausting to argue for the right to pee in peace on a near daily, continuous basis.

There was some news out there that said Betsy DeVos had not wanted to do this, but then here she is telling us how much of an overreach protecting transgender children was: http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/02/24/trump-education-secretary-claims-trans-rights-protections-were-very-huge-overreach/

A lot of people came out to defend us from this ridiculous move, and I am very happy with Apple for stepping up on this issue: http://www.imore.com/apple-speaks-response-trump-administrations-decision-rescind-transgender-bathroom-protections

It’s been a weird year so far, because these issues are woven into every aspect of my news feeds. I see them in the normal political arenas, but they are also popping up in my music news, my tech news, and even my recipe blogs are getting into it.

It’s relieving to read so many folks across the board express their outrage about this attempt at institutionalizing bigotry. I have no doubt that ten years ago, nobody would have really cared, and that shows how far we have come for LGBT rights.

I thought I’d discuss “The Surgery.”

Every time the subject of my being transgender comes up, inevitably there is somebody out there that immediately asks if I have had “The Surgery”. There is this idea that there is one big all-in-one genital surgery for trans folks. I’m not sure where the scare quotes around “The Surgery” come from, but that’s how everyone has asked.

What they really want to know is if you have a penis. I’m pretty sure for transgender women, when they get asked about “The Surgery”, it’s because people want to know if the woman has a penis. There seems to be a huge obsession, culturally, about whether or not transgender people have penises.

This voracious appetite for what we do with our genitals, is one of the reasons I decided to write about my surgery. I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty details here. I have a not so secret Tumblr for that. If you are trans, and want more bottom surgery info, shoot me a line, and I’ll tell you my Tumblr for that.

So in the interest of education, here is how buying a penis works for transgender men.

The first myth we need to dispel is that there isn’t a single surgery for this. There are a smorgasbord of options. Every transgender person picks and chooses what works for them, depending on what works for their anatomy, economic reality, and desires.

When it comes to shopping for a penis, you have two main kinds of penises to choose from.

There is phalloplasty. It’s where they actually build you a penis from scratch, pretty much. You have donor sites for skin, and you can pick your size, have nerve endings moved, and all sorts of things. It’s a bigger surgery, that realistically is multiple surgeries over a period of time. This is the Cadillac of bigger better penises. It’s a lot of work to get their, though.

Then there is metoidioplasty. This is taking your own anatomy, the clitoris that has been enlarged by testosterone, and helping it reach a longer length. At the very minimum, this can be called a basic release, because it’s about disconnecting a ligament and some labia, and letting your little friend gain at most a couple inches in length, if you are genetically able to. This will not create a typical cis gendered penis, but it is a penis with retained sensation. There are cisgendered men with penises this size, so it’s well within the bell curve of normal masculine expression. It’s just small.

I chose the metoidioplasty, because the increased chance to retain sensation, and the less invasive nature of the procedures, and reduced number of surgeries. Guys have great results with either, it’s all about what you want.

With a metoidioplasty, trans men can aways upgrade to a phalloplasty later. We can also decide if we want to keep the vagina, and if we want to lengthen our urethra’s to go through the new metoidioplasty, or not. We can also have testicles. This is a pick and choose situation, where each transgender man will decide what procedures he wants, or not.

For the best results of a metoidioplasty, you might need to have a mons resection if you have body fat. This is basically removing the fat from the mons area under your pubic hair, and then pulling everything upwards to a more masculine sitting position. It’s like a facelift for your penis. I’ve talked to some guys that have not done this, and the metoidioplasty was not very visible at all, and they were unhappy. Insurance does not cover this, because apparently we are half assing this whole trans coverage thing. If I’m buying a new penis, I want it to be visible.

However, we aren’t talking just one procedure for me. I will require a list of optional surgeries rolled into this one procedure:

Hysterectomy  – The uterus is voted off the island.

Oophorectomy – The ovaries can go too.

Vaginectomy – Don’t go away mad, just go away.

Mons Resection – This is necessary, if I want there to be any visible change.

Meoidioplasty – The whole point is a penis.

Testicle implants – It would be weird to have a penis without balls, so this is on the plate as well.

One thing I am specifically not getting is urethral lengthening. There is no guarantee with a metoidioplasty that you can stand to pee anyways, and it is much more invasive, and increases my chances for complications and revisions, and seriously increases my healing time. If sitting to pee was good enough for Winston Churchill (according to urban legends), then it’s good enough for me.

So, you can see, there is a lot of options. It’s very mix and match.

There is a huge waitlist for these procedures, only made longer by Trumps inauguration. My top surgeon said she has had a huge flood of patients because of Trump, and the fears of the community about losing access to insurance.

I go to a consult in March, but who knows if I can get into surgery this year, even. I still don’t know if my insurance will be cut for next year. If that happens, my husband and I will be job hunting for sure. I like my job, but if I think we all know most men would choose their penis over their job, and I’m not an exception.

Lastly, I’d like to say this is going to impact my husband quite a bit. Once again, we are focusing all of our finances, vacation time, and efforts on a surgery for my body. He just spent hours organizing airfare, hotels, and car rentals. I feel incredibly happy he’s willing to be 100% supportive, but I wish this was past and done, so we can both just get on with our lives.

This is my weekly roundup of the background radiation I am exposed to. It’s usually the bad and ugly of how the world treats LGBT folks, with a heavier emphasis on the T’s. I like to leave the full links exposed because then you can see where the article is.

I am a big news consumer, and here’s what got my drawers in a knot this week.

I’m late by a day this week because it’s deadline time at work, and things have been a bit nuts. It’s also the anniversary of my father in laws death, and he was more of a father to me than my own, so it’s been a bit up in the air the last few days.

Headline:Transgender 11-year-old shot at school, as mother says teachers are failing to combat bullying

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/2017/02/09/transgender-11-year-old-shot-school-mother-says-teachers-failing/

Okay, this is horrific. It’s also not shocking that the school back burnered the abuse the girl was suffering until she was literally shot with a firearm. I always wonder in these kinds of cases if the school is doing something now because there is so much spotlight on them, and there really isn’t much you can do to justify not protecting an 11 year old.

Headline: Few transgender teens opt for fertility preservation

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2017/02/10/few-transgender-teens-opt-for-fertility-preservation.html

I found this interesting that they felt parenthood goals for teen transgender populations might be different, and that they mentioned that access to care was a concern in this. Ideally, we should be able to access fertility preservation options, if we choose, before we medically transition. However, we have a hard enough time just getting the basics.

Headline: The Justice Department Is Taking A Step Back From Efforts To Protect Transgender People Under Existing Law

https://www.buzzfeed.com/chrisgeidner/justice-department-takes-a-step-back-from-effort-to-protect?utm_term=.jfxWpmNpQ#.ou5w86k8b

This is the big question. How is this going to effect us. Some of us will be effected more, some less, but this is big.

I just want to say having Obama even mention us, then go on to put in protections for us, was huge for me. To have the President care that we existed, and say we can’t be discriminated against was so legitimizing.

Now? Who knows. Trump is already dropping defense of school guidelines. All the well wishing I can muster to Gavin and his court case.

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/11/us/politics/trump-transgender-students-injunction.html?_r=0

Headline: Ames man arrested for threatening to kill transgender student

http://www.desmoinesregister.com/story/news/2017/02/15/ames-man-transgender-student/97967402/

This is horrific. A 65 year old man threatened to “kill, brand, and cause bodily harm” to a transgender child. These are the kinds of folks that crawl out from under rocks when they think they can get away with attacking a minority they hate. If they get a nod of approval from folks in positions of authority, they feel justified in literally attacking people. It’s like they are just looking for a reason to reach out and attack someone.

In this case the Police Chief came out very supportive, and so did the school.

Headline: Undocumented transgender woman filing domestic violence claim arrested at El Paso courthouse by ICE, official says

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/undocumented-transgender-woman-filing-domestic-violence-claim-arrested-at-el-paso-courthouse-by-ice-official-says/

This is horrible. The transgender community is also comprised of undocumented immigrants, and I would feel remiss in not boosting the signal of how awful ICE is, and how this attack on immigrants absolutely does effect us.

This is my weekly roundup of the background radiation I am exposed to. It’s usually the bad and ugly of how the world treats LGBT folks, with a heavier emphasis on the T’s. I like to leave the full links exposed because then you can see where the article is.

I am a big news consumer, and here’s what got my drawers in a knot this week.

Headline: Claims of ‘Homosexual Agenda’ Help Kill Hate Crimes Laws in 5 States

https://www.propublica.org/article/claims-of-homosexual-agenda-help-kill-hate-crimes-laws-in-five-states

ProPublica does good old fashioned investigative journalism. They are super spot on, and a source I trust a lot because of that.

Which means, we have 5 states that think the homosexual agenda is real. . . I often wonder about these folks that think like this. Are they stupid? Are they so bigoted that they grasp at these ridiculous conspiracy theories? I mean, the only agenda I know of is to be treated equally in the eyes of the law. I cannot grasp being such a bigot that equality is a problem.

Headline: Radical feminists team up with right-wing evangelicals to oppose trans rights protections

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/02/08/radical-feminists-team-up-with-right-wing-evangelicals-to-oppose-trans-rights-protections/

Can we talk about this? This is a real thing. There are radical feminists that actually team up with right wing christians in their hatred of transgender people. They are called TERF’s, or “Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists”. They are a hateful bunch.

I’m going to paraphrase their position here, as they profess that transgender women are just men, who among other fallacies, are just going through transition to attempt to infiltrate women’s spaces to harm women. They also feel transgender men are just women that have internalized the patriarchy’s message about female inferiority so much that they will “mutilate” themselves to be like men. They do not believe gender is separate from physical sex.

All this would be erroneous, and their own thing, except they are often virulently anti-transgender. I can’t count over the years how many times I have heard of TERF’s using their positions in women’s organizations to exclude transgender women, or mount campaigns to out transgender teens in schools, etc. They tend to engage in some very ugly behavior.

Headline: Transgender California veteran settles lawsuit over denied haircut

http://www.mercurynews.com/2017/02/06/transgender-california-veteran-settles-lawsuit-over-denied-haircut/

Warning this site has autoplaying video.

I’ve been watching this one for a while. The barber refused to cut Oliver’s hair because the barber perceived them as female. They feel the bible has some random mention of women never cutting their hair ever, and decided to 1) impose that on Oliver because he thought Oliver was female, and 2) refused to believe that Oliver was is transgender.

There is so much wrong with this. I mean, there’s the idea that he can impose his religious beliefs on another women, and then refuse to accept somebodies gender identity. I also love how the barber states he isn’t discriminating.

Headline: Transgender girl, 11, shot in school with BB gun

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-manchester-38909360

This is heartbreaking. She was shot by bullies for being transgender.

Lastly, I’m not sure what it means, but Breitbart, whom I will not link to, has been running a lot of transgender related stories this week. Enough that it was irritating to wade through. I’m not sure why they turned their attention to us. They are odious, and totally full of shit, but occasionally I look at sources like that to see what the more hateful side of the news is up to.