Deal Breaker

I have been thinking about the election for the last week and a half. I have listened to the excuses that Trump voters gave for their vote. The constant bemoaning that they aren’t racist, sexist, homophobic bigots, and these qualities weren’t what attracted them to him. It was his “draining the swamp” of political insiders that bought their vote.

This doesn't bother trump voters evidently.

This doesn’t bother trump voters evidently.

I understand the dislike for Hillary Clinton. I don’t like Hillary Clinton or the neoliberalism she represents. She is definitely a Washington insider.

I was a Bernie Sanders supporter all the way. However, even I couldn’t walk away and let people’s lives be in danger by the demagoguery of Trump. His speeches on hatred of people who aren’t able-bodied straight white Christians were scary. The responses from the people that supported him were even scarier.

but they have feelings too!!!

but they have feelings too!!!

I honestly never thought he had a chance, and that was my fault. I figured the nominee would be one of the other horrible GOP candidates, but at least it would be the kind of horribleness we are used to. I never imagined Trump would get past the first time he made fun of a disabled journalist. Even when the media focused heavily on the “deplorables” I wrongfully assumed they were a minority. When he got elected I was stunned at voted for him.

trumpsurprise

The fact that they are willing to look past racism, homophobia, misogyny, bigotry and numerous other odious viewpoints to elect someone president puts them in the category of the racist, sexist, and homophobic people the media titled “deplorables”. They were willing to look past the treatment of their fellow human beings just to get back at a government that doesn’t pander to white Christianity. If Trump’s hatred (which by the way is the opposite of Jesus’s teachings) isn’t a deal breaker for them, then I can’t forgive them.

It will take a lot.

It will take a lot.

I won’t address that Trump didn’t win the popular vote, nor the fact that he is not draining the swamp, but bringing in lobbyists and some of the most swampy of the swamp rat politicians into his administration. Nor can I adequately address his racists, sexist and religious bigotry here in this post in a way that they deserve. Maybe I will try to tackle these issues individually later.

What I can address is how this affects me directly. I have privilege in many ways. I am a white male, working a white-collar job. I live in an extremely blue state that will insulate me, for at least awhile, from the hatred and bigotry in an official capacity. However, I am a non-Christian man in a same sex marriage to a man who I worry about, as he is not only gay, but transgender. Now, because my spiritual outlook is not Islamic, I am still much safer than my Muslim friends, but it still separates me from the white Christian ideal that Trumps politics favor.

First, before I hear that Trump has no problems with “the gays” let me correct you on that by referencing Human Rights Coalition website (click link to go there).

I have to worry about the culture of hatred that Trump brings, as well as the intolerance and violence. As of this post’s writing there are over 700 confirmed hate crimes committed in Trump’s names in just 11 days after the election (see Pink New’s article that references the Southern Poverty Law Center) and that isn’t all they have put together, undoubtedly there is more we haven’t heard of. This is well before he even takes office.

I have to worry that my husband might get fired, denied access to healthcare, that we will lose our place to live, be beaten, threatened, or killed because my husband is transgender and gay. I cannot risk taking temporary assignments in my agency to red states. I fear that if something happened to me I wouldn’t be able to be see my husband if I were in a hospital that didn’t honor same sex marriage. Although as a bonus, we have decided to get power of attorneys over each other just in case the worst does happen.

I have to worry that this toxic hateful element of Trump supporters are going to make our lives hell. I can only imagine the fear for someone who is not white, because of the more extreme positions these “deplorables” take. Already my anxiety is starting to pick up while I watch more and more legislation being bandied about that will reduce my rights, my husband’s rights, and my friends’ rights both in meat space and online.

doomed

It is a deal breaker for me if you voted for Trump.

The fact that they don’t consider racism, homophobia, misogyny, and especially the bigotry against Muslims as unacceptable for their candidate means they are truly horrible people. They may not realize it, and they may just be caught up in the craziness of it all, but that isn’t my problem. I don’t have the time to educate them anymore. I am already looking for ways to volunteer to help stop this or at least protect those I can.

So to all you Trump voters, Fuck Off!

i-want-you-0z6pa4

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Transgender Day of Remembrance 2016

transgender-flags

Transgender day of Remembrance is today. It’s a day to remember all of the transgender people that are murdered throughout the year.

This year 295 transgender and gender diverse individuals were murdered. 23 (some other sites report 24) of those people were murdered for being transgender in the United States.

The TGEU update shows reports of murdered trans and gender-diverse people in 33 countries in the last 12 months, with the majority happening in Brazil (123), Mexico (52), the United States (23), Colombia (14), and Venezuela (14). In Asia, most reported cases are in India (6) and Pakistan (5) and, in Europe, in Italy (5) and Turkey (5).

http://tgeu.org/tdor-2016-press-release/

What these numbers don’t take into account is the factors that also lead to transgender deaths.

Being transgender can lead to difficulties in getting employment, housing, and just about any factor in life a cis straight person takes for granted.

This pushes transgender people into poverty as a group. Transgender people are four times more likely to make less than $10,000 a year in the USA. This goes up for transgender people that are not white.

http://www.advocate.com/politics/transgender/2015/02/18/report-trans-americans-four-times-more-likely-live-poverty

http://www.lgbtmap.org/news/understanding-transgender-issues-unfair-price-release

As for all things in the United States, these issues effect people of color and women more than white men. The majority of these murders are transgender women of color.

We can round up the statistics on hate crimes and murder, but what about all the rest of transgender people who struggle because bigotry plays a role in employers refusing to hire transgender and gender non conforming people? Then add landlords that will not rent to transgender people. This then snowballs in medical coverage issues, either from not being able to afford it, to having doctors outright refuse to treat transgender people. We are talking long term financial instability.

For the most part, we don’t have legal protection from these kinds of discrimination.

We already have a 41% suicide risk, compared to 1% of the US as a whole. Is it hard to see how not only struggling with gender identity, but the bigotry cutting off jobs, housing, and medical makes it untenable for some?

So as people focus on this Transgender Day of Remembrance, spare a thought not just to those victims of murder, but to the ongoing struggles of transgender people.

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Quick Update

Over the next couple of days I am going to cull the categories and start using tags more. If a category you like disappears, the posts are still there, the categories were changed into tags. Feedback is always appreciated 🙂

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In support of Safety Pins

I’ve seen a lot of posts about the safety pin as a symbol of allyship. Even the New York Times has been talking about it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/14/fashion/safety-pin-ally-activism.html?_r=0

However, not everyone is okay with this, seeing it as more straight white allyship that amounts to little more than changing ones Facebook icon. These articles are written by people who have been written checks by white feminism that bounced, and I totally get why they are annoyed by it.

I guess it depends on where you stand. For me, I like it, and I’m going to tell you why.

When I see those folks with safety pins, I know they are not likely to take a swing at me when I enter a bathroom. I know that they are not likely to spit in my food when they realize I am a gay guy going to dinner with my husband. I know they are not likely to follow me out of a store to beat the hell out of me for being gay or transgender.

For me, and a lot of trans folks, we can’t ever tell how someone will react when they clock us. Even being gay, is not a sure bet for tolerance these days. I feel it’s like playing with a music box. You wind the crank, and you never know if you are going to get a harmless surprise toy when the box springs open upon finding out you are queer, or if you are going to get an angry bigot.

Hell, just today, one of my coworkers discovered I was transgender, and literally ran in a circle. They were so flummoxed, they ran in a circle. I’ve never had that happen before. That’s just how unpredictable people are when they find out you are transgender.

When in danger, or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout!

When in danger, or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout!

So these safety pins? That’s like shining a flashlight on who I can feel better about, and who is less likely to violently react to my existence.

I also think this is a bit different from armchair internet slactivism. If you wear a symbol on your shirt, you are letting the world know how you feel. There is a little bit of risk involved in that. The same people that want to beat the hell out of me, might want to broaden their target base.

You also risk having to put your money where your mouth is if a person that is being attacked reaches out to you for help. You might have to back that symbol up in a difficult situation.

I don’t think everyone is quite prepared to back that promise they made with that little safety pin, but I’m okay with that too. I’m just happy being able to put safety pin wearers in a box of people less likely to attack me. As a transgender gay man, that is actually a big deal.

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Gut hurt

I am sure this is only the first of many posts dealing with the results of the elections this year (2016). I had several articles/posts ready to be worked on but after last night I figured I should get my initial thoughts and feelings out for posterity.

Yep, its like that.

Yep, its like that.

I am not too surprised at what happened. Of course I am hurt that a sexist, racist, homophobic and xenophobic person was elected, but not surprised. I have spent a lot of time traveling over the last two years to the southern states and it was there I saw this in action the most, but I have seen it locally as well.

Don’t get me wrong, there was more than just the sexism, racism, bigotry and homophobia that was the cause for his election as president. People are angry, they want real change. Sadly I don’t think they are going to get the change they really want from a rich guy who has been bankrupt four times. People are reaching to make something great, when it was never great in that way.

After I watched the election results roll in, I felt like I was punched in the gut though, not because of all the slew of liberal/progressive issues I am in favor of, but for the safety of Wolsey. The first thing I thought about was his safety.

We fortunately live in a very very blue area, but this election has not only shown we haven’t progressed as a society as far as I had hoped, but there will be those that will take this as a sign to attack verbally, physically, legally anyone that doesn’t believe like they do.

I am suspecting there will be an increase in attacks on the LGBTQA community, even in my blue area. I don’t worry about myself. I am a big guy, most people leave me alone anyways, and even if they don’t it isn’t much of a worry. I worry a lot about my husband though. Not that he isn’t tough, but he is the person I love most in this world. I don’t want to see him in pain. This includes emotional pain from the hatred that this election is spewing forth towards everyone, especially transgender individuals.

I suspect I will be writing a lot, which is a good thing for me anyways, but I wish it was for other reasons.

I guess we get to live in “interesting times”. Personally I would rather live in boring, safe and happy times.

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2016 Geek Girl Con

Earlier this month we were able to go to Geek Girl Con (http://geekgirlcon.com). Which by the way is probably the most fantastic convention I have been too. I haven’t been to such an open and friendly to LGBTQIA gathering ever.

We haven’t gone for a few years, once was due to sickness in the household, the remainder due mostly because of Wolsey’s transition. He didn’t feel comfortable going as he wasn’t at a place he wanted to walk around publicly. I was totally fine with that.

When we were in the parking garage (the same one we used last time we came here) I noticed Wolsey was standing by the window in the same area he did last time I got a picture. So I snapped a picture, and here you can see the difference between four years (2012 and 2016).

Wolsey before transition! 8/11/12.

Wolsey before transition. 8/11/12.

Wolsey almost 3 years transition.

Wolsey almost 3 years transition. 10/8/16

I had remembered that GGC was very friendly before, but it was now 4 times bigger than when we went to last time so I was a bit uncomfortable at first. However everyone was smiling and no one was upset. People were running back and forth laughing, joking and seeming incredibly friendly. They noticed Wolsey and I holding hands and would just smile.

Now that is something I hadn’t realized I had missed so much. This was the first public place since Wolsey’s transition that he held my hands for longer than 30 seconds. He wasn’t worried about being perceived in a same sex marriage and any blowback that might get us (he has moved beyond being clocked in almost all but the most extreme circumstances). We wandered around the merchant alley and he never stopped holding my hand. It was pretty fantastic.

I was a little anxious during the weekend. I couldn’t place why until I attended a panel on having “Imposter Syndrome”. It dawned on me that I was terrified I wouldn’t be accepted. That people might somehow find I was “accidentally gay” and therefore I don’t really belong. The panel gave some good advice and it helped me work on that issue (it is really prevalent in most of my life).

Other panels that I really enjoyed were

  • “Science Fiction Romance: Tentacles Not Required”, a panel based on how three different female science fiction writers viewed and handled romance in science fiction.
  • “Out of this World! Exploring the Awesomeness of LGBTQIA Sci-Fi & Fantasy” a panel with authors focusing on LGBTQIA.
  • “Don’t Call Them Heebie-Jeebies: The Kosher Specter of Horror”, a panel about the influences of Jewish religion in the horror genre, and
  • “Geektivists, Geek Grrls, & Gaymers: Hacking Popular Culture in the 21st Century” a panel about activists in the gaming culture.

Nothing really big or mind blowing happened here, except it felt safe, and everyone was so friendly and inviting. I just thought I would share our first LGBTQIA friendly con since Wolsey’s transition.

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DoD Human Resources

For the last year and a half we have had a running battle with Group Health over his gender designation. Don’t get me wrong they have covered everything so far for his transition, but no matter what we do his gender designation remains female with them.

We have talked with the receptionists, medical staff, etc and finally they have told us that the problem lies with HR designation for the Department of Defense.

notmyproblem

So yesterday I start what is always a Herculean journey through the behemoth of DoD human resources. Although this time it goes quicker, I am only on hold and surfing through menus for about twenty (20) minutes when I get a nice gentleman who answers.

patience

I briefly go over the situation with him. That our HMO has said that Wolsey’s gender designation keeps getting changed due to HR’s designation. The gentleman is very nice, but obviously stunned at a transgender situation and has no idea what to do. I explain that our HMO says that the female designation is coming from their system.

He puts me on hold twice to talk to his supervisor, comes back and is trying very hard to be careful about his words. I can’t tell if he is nice because he is trying to be nice or if the DoD has been harping on this subject, but I guess it doesn’t matter either way.

Eventually he comes back, admitting he doesn’t know how to change the gender in the system. I suspect I am better off with him not messing with the system and I tell him I understand, that open season is in a month and that we will change it then.

dontknowhowtodomyjob

Then something dawns on me, I ask him does all the HR systems say he is a female or just the medical. He disappears for a couple minutes and comes back. He is very quiet, almost sheepish and explains that Wolsey is listed in male in all of the systems.

You heard me right, when I asked him in the beginning about the gender, he never checked to see what Wolsey was listed to begin with. It is partially my bad, I had assumed if I was wrong and Wolsey was listed correctly they would correct me. It turns out last January they did update his files. I should know better than to make rational assumptions about the DoD.

doyourjob

So that means Group Health is messing this up and it has nothing to do with the DoD, but it also means that the man didn’t even check the system… I wasn’t mad at all, but I should have expected it.

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State Fair and Awkward Situations

Yesterday Wolsey and I went with a female friend to the Washington State Fair. Like we do every time for the last five years we went and got “old time” photograph of us in cowboy/soldier/gambler costumes.

This time we wanted to be dressed as gamblers, and our female friend dressed as a “fancy girl”. No, that isn’t a euphemism for prostitute/hooker, just thought I would quash that thought right there.

Definitely not this either.

Definitely not this either.

As they started setting us up, they had both Wolsey and I behind/beside the chair, and our friend in the chair. This is where it gets funny.

Sepia toned... never flattering.

Sepia toned… never flattering.

  • Fair Picture Lady: So which one of you gentlemen is with the lady?
  • All three of us: ….. (a little stunned and not sure what to say, is it safe? is this a joke?)
  • Fair Picture Lady (looking at me): Who is with the young lady?
  • Me: Um… we are together (and I motion Wolsey and myself a bit nervously).
  • Several seconds pass as it sinks in to both people with the Fair (the other hadn’t asked anything).
  • Fair Picture Lady and other lady: *starts chuckling*
  • Other Lady: “That is Fantastic”

They immediately set Wolsey and I up so my arm was around him. There was slight awkwardness about placing our hands, but I think it was more of just not being around two guys in a relationship then any sort of revulsion.

That was the first time I have had that hesitation in that situation of getting our photo taken. I never had a worry hit me like that before that they might just kick us out. It never even dawned on me that the gendered expectations of couples was that strong. Although I don’t blame those ladies, I think most people would have made that mistake.

I just have to say thanks to those ladies for not freaking out, and curse our society that we even have to worry about that.

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Diversity versus “Diversity”

We had diversity day at my job. I work for a giant government agency, and they do this once a year. My job is pretty positive if you are of the LGBT flavor. We have a lot of us in our location, and nobody is fussed about it. It did get me thinking about how this often plays out though.

Diversity

There is diversity and acceptance, and then there is “diversity” and “acceptance”. The former is that happy feel good legacy from the 1970s where we all celebrate our differences, learn from each other, and feel at ease with it. The latter? That’s the sweep it under the rug because it’s freaking me out, and I don’t want to talk about it, version.

Under the Rug

In my life, I see a lot of “diversity” and “acceptance”.

I think this stems from the idea that for a non-minority person to discuss your race, gender, sexuality, or religion is somehow a political act, or an admission of an open dirty secret. It’s often whispered about like a cancer diagnosis.

In my life, if I mention the word transgender, and to a lesser degree the word gay, a lot of people shuffle their feet uncomfortably, and change the subject. Some well meaning folks like to help me keep these a secret by whispering the words, or shutting down anyone else from mentioning it. I see it happen to other minority groups as well.

I’ve been told before that the very act of mentioning, or joking, about my being gay or transgender is a political act. As if the mention of having a husband, or that I spent 40 years presenting as a woman is something I do AT people to make a point, and not just discussing my day to day experiences.

stop-being-gay-srnl6o

The world around me makes my existence as a transgender man political. It makes my ability to hold my husbands hand in public a risk. It adds an element of danger every time I use a public restroom. These aren’t political discussions. This is my every day life because there is a non-zero chance that both of those situations will end in violence for me. It’s happened before.

This sweeping it under the rug is more about someone’s own biases than anything else. If you think being gay or transgender is a bad thing, but you like the person that is gay or trans, you will probably unconsciously try to avoid bringing up the bad thing that they are. I don’t think it’s full on homophobia or transmisogyny, just a lot of unexamined biases. We all have them.

I am acutely aware when my existence makes folks uncomfortable. Most folks in minority groups are. It’s a self defense mechanism because if you make someone uncomfortable, you have to take that breath and watch. Are they uncomfortable, and working through it? Are they uncomfortable, and going to run away? Are they uncomfortable, and going to lash out at you violently?

risk

I think “diversity” and “acceptance” is a good first step, but it’s kind of reminiscent of the military’s failed “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. That’s nice I can be gay and trans, but if there is a de facto gag order on discussing how it intersects with my life, it’s not useful at all.

I think the best advice I can give, is you have to embrace that you are uncomfortable. We all do. We all have things that we are uncomfortable with because as humans we are a mix of passed on biases that we don’t tend to think about until we are confronted with them. It’s not helping someone by sweeping a basic facet of their life under the rug. That kind of “acceptance” isn’t really accepting.

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Ghost Fade

I just got back from my recent Atlanta trip for training and I have a couple of stories. The first one deals with my classmates and I will talk here.

Previously I have had really good experience with a lot of coworkers at training when they found out I was married to a man. Either they would still be outwardly friendly and nothing would change, or if they didn’t like it, they still had that weird “you might be gay, but we work together” attitude, which meant we wouldn’t have any issues, we just wouldn’t hang out.

In the past I have always gotten invited out by other people int eh class. I am a shy person, but I would ensure that at least one day each week that I would go out and get to know people. I hate networking, but our agency and the federal government is rife with it, so I do it just in case something happens later. 

networking

However this time was different. This is the first time I have gotten the “ghost fade” combined with the “ignore what is happening” response. Not everyone did this, there were still some friendly people, and I appreciate that. However, the first day I got into the hotel I met three of my coworkers and we hung out at the hotel, even went to the stupid “happy hour” they have.

I can’t tell you how much I hate happy hours, they are horrifically forced situations that I have to talk to people about sports, or about how cool the military is, both of which I find unappealing (except for some Seattle teams, I do sometimes go for that).

happyhour

The three of them though were really cool, chatted me up and down and wanted to go out to eat a couple times during the week. The next morning during the first day of class they were still really friendly, chatting during class, etc. That is until one of my actual coworkers who was in training as well asked how Wolsey was doing.

At first the three just had a weird look at Wolsey’s name. It isn’t a common name anyways so I don’t think they quite caught it. At this point I had gotten so used to my actual office and their acceptance of Wolsey that I didn’t even think twice about the looks the three of them had.

A little while later my actual office coworker mentioned husband and the three of them froze as if time had stopped. I knew at this split second what was going on. They hadn’t realized I was in a same sex marriage, and just stared at me.

what-did-you-just-say

For the next two days they wouldn’t talk to me other than what we had to do in class, and they didn’t sit in the same spot in the cafeteria/restuarant area either. It was quiet, and they didn’t once say anything negative to me, but even I can tell a ghost fade when I see one. 

Funny enough I was talking to my office coworker on Wednesday the transgender word came up. Once they heard that they wouldn’t look at me at all. It was as if I didn’t exist, or perhaps I am the scariest thing in the world. I realize sometimes people are caught off guard and need to retreat for awhile, this wasn’t like that though.

I am still new to a lot of this LGBTQ things that occur. I haven’t had this happen often and it resulted in my being annoyed. I can sometimes be petty, and I pushed that petty button while I was there. For the next day and a half I kept talking loudly about transgender rights, about how happy I was married to my husband (more than the normal amount I talk about every day), etc. Each time they were more and more uncomfortable.

im-not-always-w71r71

Karma was hard on them, I ended up sitting next to one of them each time we rode the bus back and forth to the hotel (that would be four trips, I got one of them twice, and each of the others once).

Do I feel bad, no I really don’t. I think bigotry should be painful. Do I worry about the “networking”? Not really, I have my family’s self-destructive seed of not really caring to know people that I don’t like. This insulates me from that worry.

There was a high note for this, I was once again reminded that I am I glad that I work at my office because of their accepting of Wolsey and I. I might have other issues, but I really appreciate that people are supportive, or at the very least they keep it to themselves.

Well that is my first story from Atlanta for the 2016 summer!

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