New Job interactions

Posted on November 12, 2013 by AccidentallyGay

I started my  new job last week and I came across a new situation.

How do I refer to my husband to my new coworkers since he hasn’t begun to transition yet?

In my prior job from over a year ago, they knew Jello as a her, and while I am sure there would be gossip behind my back, they would accept the transition without hesitation. He was always “a little odd” and they were never surprised by the stories I would tell. However, I don’t know about my current job.

My first day at work was scattered, nerve wracking, having a three hour commute I wasn’t used to, it all just added up to an overtired spouse. I got to meet my coworkers and they all seemed incredibly nice. We made small talk that included previous jobs, experiences, school and finally family. They of course all asked me how my wife was doing. This was the first time this had ever been asked of me by strangers and I was stumped for a moment.

My original contact with my new coworkers was during my initial interview. When I first met them Jello had not fully decided on transition (he was considering if he could live in-between). Because of that I maintained during my interview that Jello was my wife (plus I wasn’t sure if there would be repercussions. So by the end of the interview,  as far as they knew Jello was my wife of 21 years. When the question came up on my first day of work I just panicked and told them that my wife was doing great. They seemed happy to hear that and moved onto other subjects.

Inside I felt a pang of regret immediately. I idly wondered if Peter had felt that way when he denied Jesus three times (ok, that is hyperbole, and I don’t necessarily follow religion, its just an example). The whole day I was wracked with guilt, I kept wondering if I had really screwed up. I am proud to be married to him, but for some reason the panic erased my normally combative attitude towards anyone who doesn’t except Jello as a him. I wish I could say that my answer to them was anything but automatic panic, but it wasn’t.

I got home, feeling a little guilty, and I confessed my sins to Jello. I knew he would be understanding and it turned out I was right. He laughed at me when I told him, having thought it very funny that I was uncomfortable. He then turned around reassured me that it was ok. He said that he didn’t mind that I had panicked and referred to him as my wife. After all we had been married for 21 years with that understanding. Jello then clarified to me that he isn’t expecting official recognition until he is on testosterone. He also indicated that it probably was better I didn’t jump the gun before the actual transition started (hopefully December 3rd). After all we don’t know if there would be any blowback at me because I would be in a homosexual marriage (and most of the staff are older ladies). I don’t think there will be, but because it is our only source of income maybe he is right.

After my guilt passed, I realized it wasn’t a big deal. In fact I think what bothered me most is that I didn’t stand up to them. My self identity is very combative and unafraid of pushing people. I almost never back down and to find myself backing down upset me a lot. It feels like weakness, and that is not acceptable with how I grew up.

It was eye-opening to realize what bothered me most in the end wasn’t telling my coworkers that Jello was my wife, but that I showed what I grew up with thinking as a moment of weakness. It means I need to work not only on how I handle introducing my husband, but also of ridding myself of internal misogyny.

p.s. I apologize for the lack of posts recently, new job got in the way. Hopefully that will change now.

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21st Anniversary

Posted on October 31, 2013 by AccidentallyGay

Today is the 21st wedding anniversary with my partner Jello. I started out heterosexual and marrying a woman in 1992, and 21 years later I am in a gay relationship with a spectacular man named Jello. All the same person.

I just wanted to comment how much I love him. It doesn’t matter to me what he looks like physically (but he was hot both when he was a woman and now that he found his true self as a very hot guy).

wedding

This is us on Halloween 1992, Jello is on the left 🙂

IMG_1372This is Jello during Halloween 2013. It is pre-testosterone and I have some better pictures of his passing, but I thought I would try to get direct pictures for our wedding day and our 21st anniversary.

I just had to reiterate that there are a lot of days that aren’t challenging but full of love and are great. I figure there will be future “before and after photos” that I will post as I reminisce about it.

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Privilege

Posted on October 25, 2013 by AccidentallyGay

This post is the first in what will probably be a ton of posts about my privilege. I hadn’t even known the concept until just a year or two ago, and even now I am sometimes embarrassed by the privilege I didn’t realize I had (the only privilege I probably never had was class, as I grew up poor, but I am a white, male, able-bodied, and up until recently passed as a hetero) Because this touches on privilege issues I will cross post this with my normal blog as well.

Well, now that we are back from Geek Girl Con (GGC) I can put more thoughts down on paper, or blog as it is. It was a great weekend and I do have to say GGC is the most open-minded con I have been to. It was great to meet and see so many transgender people who are part of the con, and not the cast outs. There were some very pretty women and men there (and no, that doesn’t mean they all passed, I found some of both genders that didn’t pass just as attractive). Seeing so many of them got me thinking about my own personal view and some realizations I had made.

I will be honest, since adulthood I have always been attracted to trans* people. I watched a lot of porn featuring transgendered individuals (mostly transgendered women, I hadn’t realized how attracted I might be to transgendered men until my husband came out). Some of my friends knew I had a lot of different tastes in porn but remarkably I never got a lot of flack for liking it.

I had always imagined before I got together with Jello, and after we opened up our relationship (we are poly on and off), that I would be just as happy with a transgendered woman as I would be with a cis-gendered woman. The plumbing of the individual didn’t matter at all to me, my requirements for my female partner was for her to believe she was a woman, not if she had a cis-gendered body. I am currently discovering I don’t think an individual needs to identify as anything anymore, Jello’s transitioning opened my eyes up to what I really am interested in, and for me that is just someone to love and take care of.

However, recently I discovered one of many points of my cis-gendered, white male privilege that I had never considered before. I never understood why non cis-gendered women were so reluctant to date cis-gendered men that were sexually attracted to them. I heard the term fetishizing a lot, but I hadn’t understood what they meant by that. Why would a woman be reluctant to date another person who is interested in them sexually, especially because they weren’t cis-gendered?

I kept going over in my head trying to figure out what was wrong with that. Then I finally made a breakthrough. When my husband came out I began to look more into the social issues surrounding transitioning individuals. I wanted to be supportive for him and understand any possible issues that might affect him or perhaps anyone who I might date in the future that is not cis-gendered.

I had always thought if I dated a non cis-gendered woman that she would go out with me everywhere on dates and just to hang out, like any girlfriend would. She would get to know my friends and family and would eventually become part of my family if things progressed, just like any cis-gendered relationship.

However, I kept seeing that same set of references about men fetishizing these women. So I read a lot more blogs and YouTube channels by non cis-gendered women. It finally dawned on me that a lot of guys wouldn’t treat the women as girlfriends, but just as booty calls. For some reason there was a disconnect for me. I knew that women were treated poorly and as booty calls due to numerous other reasons (looks, social position, culture, etc) but it had never even glimmered in my mind that transitioning women weren’t considered “real women” and therefore were something to play with but leave at home. I was absolutely flabbergasted by that.

That was an eye opener. I feel like I was very naive, as I NEVER imagined not treating someone like my girlfriend (and now I can include husband as well) if we were intimate. It truly had never mattered to me for any reason, so I had wrongfully assumed everyone else was like that in believing there is no shame in being with someone, no matter his or her beliefs, social position, race, original gender or disability.

Now that I realize this, I feel incredibly dumb for not catching it before. It makes sense, I have seen other guys treat booty calls poorly and when that happened it always made me angry with the guy. It never even dawned on me that a transitioning woman wouldn’t be treated like a cis-gendered woman.

The fact I missed this I blame on my white, male, cis-gendered and outwardly appearing hetero privilege (I will lose the hetero privilege as soon as the T works on Jello, and I am more than happy to lose that privilege).

What makes it worse is that I sometimes felt offended by some of the posts. I felt defensive that someone would question my interest in him or her because I am cis-gendered. I never struck back at someone for it, but the frustration was there on occasion. Now that I realize what it was about I am ashamed of that, and especially with the understanding I gained in reading about the subject I feel like I need to hang my head in shame.

This just shows me that there are so many issues I don’t see because of my privilege. I need to make it one of my primary objectives to review everything around me with as clear a view as I can and get rid of that white male worldview, and if possible help others get rid of it as well.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming J

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Another Hubbie Repost

Posted on October 21, 2013 by AccidentallyGay

My hubbie posted this yesterday. We went to Geek Girl Con and had some interesting reactions. Will probably post more later about the con, it was great to see so many genderfluid people.

http://theocraticjello.tumblr.com/post/64655141284/im-not-crossplaying

It is about his experience in someone commenting on his cosplay and assuming he was a “she” that was crossplaying.

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One of My Husband’s FTM Article

Posted on October 16, 2013 by AccidentallyGay

My husband wrote an insightful article, I can’t recommend it enough. It is about the privilege he gained when transitioning from a woman to a man.

http://feministhivemind.com/?p=925

 

edit (12/8/14): It looks like feministhivemind lost their articles and had to start over. I will try and put up a copy of Jello’s article up here.

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Unexpected Support

Posted on October 9, 2013 by AccidentallyGay

First, I want to just say that my parents (Jello’s in-laws) have been supportive of his decision to transition. However, no matter how supportive they have been, I hadn’t expected this call.

About three nights ago I got a call from my father who was a bit tipsy. Whenever he is in that condition I am very aware of everything he says. Having grown up around him and a dozen bikers I knew that some of the most horrendous things could be said without thought (with much apologies the next morning).

He first confirmed with me that I might get a job that would require me to travel for training. It would require me to travel during the week down to the capitol and stay in a hotel for two months of training. Jello and I have already worked through this and accepted it might be needed.

I confirmed this to my father, and to my surprise I got a lecture from him. He lectured me that Jello would need me, and I better make sure if the job gets in the way that I quit that job and be there for my husband. He then reiterated it several times, and then wished me a good night. He politely hung up, leaving me stunned.

I sat there stunned for a few seconds, Jello asked me if anything was wrong and I told him what happened. I swear his jaw dropped like a cartoon character’s jaw would. We both recovered quickly and recounted how unexpected that was. We both knew my father loved Jello, but the quickness they accepted and his firm belief I need to be there for Jello was unexpected.

My family has a lot of problems, but evidently support for a transitioning spouse is not one of them.

 

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Working out boundaries

Posted on October 5, 2013 by AccidentallyGay

I realize my post from earlier today was a bit maudlin, but I would like to say we had a great conversation overall with Jello. Another portion of that conversation I had with Jello in the car from Ikea was about boundaries. Mainly about what he felt comfortable with me talking about publicly about our relationship pre-transition.

To give a little feedback, I am on several FtM blogs/tumblrs/etc and some of the posts indicate that the transitioning husband (and wife sometimes) did not want their significant other of several years to keep pictures or talk publicly before they transitioned. Basically they were upset that their significant other wanted to keep pictures public, talk about publicly or in any way reference about the relationship pre-transition.

First, I want to say I understand why some people who transition want to do so in a stealth manner. They are in a situation that could be violent, lose their job, etc. Or perhaps they just don’t want to acknowledge it. I completely understand that viewpoint… However (and you knew there was going to be a “but” in this) I don’t think its entirely fair to the significant other that they have to forget about publicly at least (and in some cases they weren’t supposed to talk about the relationship pre-transition privately as well).

As the spouse of a transitioning person (and I would have felt this way beforehand), I don’t think its very fair to have someone who is not transitioning not only have to adapt to the changes of the transition, but not acknowledge or even celebrate the relationship that happened before the transition. So not only does that person have to grieve the loss of the dynamics of the previous relationship, they have to burn the entire set of publicly talking about those memories of that relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why the transitioning person feels this way so its that dissonance between what the two parties that worried me on how Jello felt. I am reluctant to even consider not talking about Jello being my wife for 20+ years. I have a ton of pictures of him then, some of them even were quite sexy.

So we talked about it. I suspected he would be ok with me talking publicly and still keeping pictures and stuff like that. He confirmed it though, he has no problem with it. Then again he isn’t trying to stealth, and is fairly loud about being someone who is transitioning. He especially believes this is needed to give outside people more context about transitioning people. The more outside people see that, the more they realize that people that are transgender are not weird, unusual or anything other than their neighbors, family and friends.

I don’t know how I would have felt about getting rid of all photographs, but I was definitely willing to delete the super sexy ones. He reiterated he was fine with it. That is who he was for 40+ years. This means you will probably see pictures of Jello pre, mid, and post transition.

This helped a lot with my anxiety yesterday. It really offset the gut punch I had felt a few minutes early (and that was my problem, not Jello’s to begin with). I am very happy that I am married to a hot guy, but I am still allowed to show off and be proud I married a hot woman 21 years ago. I was worried that he would be uncomfortable with old pictures of himself, but the opposite seemed to be how he felt. It felt good to know I didn’t have to bury my history as I head into the new part of my life with the best spouse in the world.

That is about all there is on this subject at the moment, its early morning and I notice my post is starting to ramble, but I really want to write these things as they pop up and not let the posts slip away.

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Gut Punch

Posted on October 5, 2013 by AccidentallyGay

Getting to know my husband’s new look one day at a time excites me. I realize I already deeply know the innermost secrets of him, but his look is new and slowly changing. I think he is a hot guy.

Yesterday at Ikea, we were starting our drive home when Jello asked me if he looks like a guy from behind. I was honest, not really. Part of the problem is Jello has very girl like hips and ass, and the other problem is the sway that he has when he walks. An incredibly feminine walk, one of those melty, hot walks that some women have. The hips will disappear as testosterone kicks in, plus the jogging (and if those two don’t finalize he is getting liposuction). The walk is a different matter.

Jello has always walked like a woman for as long as I have known him (age 16). I know when he was young his school mates accused him of walking like a lumberjack so he intentionally developed one of those walks that sways hips and butt. When he was a woman in outlook (before he knew he was transgendered) he practiced that walk. Ever since I have married him (actually since I got a crush on him at age 17) his walk was almost magical.

Jello then asked me if I would help him get rid of that walk which had been reinforced by 25 years of practice and habit. It was built into his day-to-day movements and he couldn’t really determine when he was walking like that. I immediately said yes, of course I would help. I completely understand, I wouldn’t want to walk that way (and while it might be funny to have someone come out and call me on walking like that, I could understand his view). Especially since he wants to put being a woman behind him, I can definitely help, and I want to.

A strange thing happened though, even while I agreed I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I am not at all against his transition; it is something he needs to do. I knew that his physical appearance will change and I am ok with that. I love him. The gut punch though was hard enough that for a brief second I almost felt like I should cry.

That is something I haven’t done in front of someone for 26 years (I think 16 is the last time I cried in front of anyone, although there have been probably a couple nights over the years that by myself it was close enough to crying). Its not that I think crying is bad, but since I reached an adult I tend to get quiet and shove it down inside. Yes, I have a definite slew of my own problems that have NOTHING to do with the journey Jello is on.

I knew logically this would involve a little pain on my side, but it’s the first example of watching the woman I married get stripped away into the man I love. It is stupid really, I have never considered how Jello walks, never even talked about it to anyone. Yet for a moment (well a few minutes) it was the weirdest sense of something being torn from my life. I was doubly upset because I knew logically I know I shouldn’t be bothered by it. It is his body and his life. I have no control over how he walks, I do not own him, and so that made me even more upset that I was upset in the first place. Yes, even then I realized the ludicrousness of that outlook.

I couldn’t really talk for the next couple of miles. When something really upsets me (even watching the cartoon UP) I can usually shove it down into the hole and forget about it. It took me a lot longer than normal. All I could do was nod, agree I would help and smile, I wasn’t really capable of in-depth conversation.

It was a weird sensation watching as a portion of my old wife was discussed and stripped away. It is probably the only time so far that this transition bothered me. Not in a way that I want to stop it, but in a grieving way.

I know I am going to grieve losing my wife, no matter how excited I am about my husband. It won’t lessen my love for my husband at all, and I think this will make us closer that he transitions. If he feels more real to himself that can do nothing but help our relationship. I was just taken aback by the sense of loss over something I had never really considered more than watching “her” walk from behind and imagining being with “her”, when he was my wife.

This is probably scattered, I woke up at no-god early in the morning to write this. However, this was worth it as I learned something about myself.

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Another Nagging Anxiety

Posted on October 3, 2013 by AccidentallyGay

I have never had a lot of self-confidence in things. I have always believed I am not worth the same as those around me and I tend to want to give things I have to others because I tend to think they want more. I just wanted to be clear about my normal state of mind before I address this anxiety. This outlook is purely my baggage, I have had it my whole life and cannot be laid at Jello’s feet.

I have never understood why my spouse stays with me. I have always felt they could find someone who was more attractive, makes more money, and can do more for them. Jello has never said anything but that they are happy with me and want me. This usually keeps my anxiety down to a low roar. Even if inside the darkest part of me I don’t believe it (they are telling the truth, its my inner demons that call it a lie).

With Jello’s transformation though my anxiety has spiked up. We currently have an open relationship, however Jello is not interested in pursuing others (too much school, finances, and the transition itself so no time). I have the opportunity to seek others out but I haven’t been interested (plus I am very feminine in how I approach things, I have had offers for one night stands, but I like to be friends and now the person I am with).

I also am reluctant about pursuing others because somehow inside me it feels like if I pick an additional partner it will be a way for Jello to be able to leave me and not feel bad. This is purely irrational and not based on fact. I know it would relieve Jello if I found a girlfriend, he is worried that part of me wont be satisfied by being married to a man when we started out I was married to a woman. He also is aware that my sex drive is a lot more than he can match (which is fine with me, I have no pressure on him, he should never participate if he isn’t interested).

However, there is a large fear that has surfaced. It is not rational and I know that logicallyI am worried that when Jello’s transition is complete and he is on testosterone that he won’t be interested in me. That somehow the change will make him lose interest and pursue other people instead.

Part of this fear is based on the fact that his sex drive will probably kick up when he takes testosterone. Right now our sex life is great but by far his sex drive is a lot lower then mine. This coupled with the fact that he used to like to hunt partners for one night stands before we got married (another indicator that maybe he didn’t fit in the gender binary as a woman). This and the fact that the fear the testosterone will make him interested more in women then me has been worrying me a lot.

Now, I logically know this is not the case. I have no doubt that he loves me, he wants to be with me and that I make him happy sexually. However, there is that little inner demon that whispers I am not attractive enough, I don’t make enough money and there is no way he would be just satisfied with me.

There really is no cure or resolution at the moment, its just something I have to work on. I thought I might share that fear as I am sure others have it as well. I think it is probably a normal (albeit unreasonable) fear. I know that Jello loves me more than anything, and I love him even more than that. In the end all that can be done is communicate and be there. Things will work out, I just wanted to express my worries to the world and maybe offer some commiseration with others.

🙂

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One Anxiety

Posted on September 28, 2013 by AccidentallyGay

I woke up this morning with a lot of anxiety for my husband. I suspect it is due to a lot of things, including dreams last night. So this morning I have been working out in my head my first anxiety.

I have noted some of my anxieties have increased since my husband decided to transition. Like I have said earlier, I am a big guy, and I have always been protective over him. When we got married, he was a small girl, who had been assaulted in the past and because he was both a loud dresser (punk clothes in 80s, and almost always some variant of alternative after that) he got a lot of flack. This doesn’t even count the sexual assaults.

So when we married in 1992 I was always concerned when he would walk home alone, or pretty much walk anywhere if it was dark or in a rough neighborhood. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure he can take care of himself, but he is so much smaller than I am and he hasn’t really been in a lot of fights, so I am still overly protective.

Now that he is transitioning I have found my anxiety for his safety is even higher. Not only does he deal with the fact that he dresses alternatively, has a loud personality and is fairly small. Now he has to deal with being identified as gay (since before he was considered a heterosexual female by outside viewers) and what makes me even more nervous, if he gets called out for transitioning. Transitioning seems to freak a lot of people out when they realize it’s happening. I understand its unusual and therefore remarkable, but couple that with him being identified as gay does worry me.

Take for example day to day problems such as when he has to start choosing which bathroom to use depending on the situation. Is the situation one where he has to worry about another male in the boys bathroom might freak, or should he use the woman’s bathroom until he can fully pass? These situations vary per place he goes to and I worry about one of those fluke situations going wrong.

I know he is worried about me as well, and now that we walk down the street showing any public affection I will be called out for being gay (which I don’t mind). However, unlike him I am not small and I am fully looking forward to the first stupid person to get in my face. This is the advantage of being a very large and masculine body, not many people at all have an intimidation factor for me. However, Jello is different, he is small and I am worried easily broken.

The crux of the matter is I am anxious for him. I haven’t figured out the best way to deal with that worry, so this post is mostly a ramble by me about the anxiety itself, not really any solid approaches to handle it. I am sure there will be many more posts about this fear. Just thought I would share this morning.

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