I have never had a lot of self-confidence in things. I have always believed I am not worth the same as those around me and I tend to want to give things I have to others because I tend to think they want more. I just wanted to be clear about my normal state of mind before I address this anxiety. This outlook is purely my baggage, I have had it my whole life and cannot be laid at Jello’s feet.
I have never understood why my spouse stays with me. I have always felt they could find someone who was more attractive, makes more money, and can do more for them. Jello has never said anything but that they are happy with me and want me. This usually keeps my anxiety down to a low roar. Even if inside the darkest part of me I don’t believe it (they are telling the truth, its my inner demons that call it a lie).
With Jello’s transformation though my anxiety has spiked up. We currently have an open relationship, however Jello is not interested in pursuing others (too much school, finances, and the transition itself so no time). I have the opportunity to seek others out but I haven’t been interested (plus I am very feminine in how I approach things, I have had offers for one night stands, but I like to be friends and now the person I am with).
I also am reluctant about pursuing others because somehow inside me it feels like if I pick an additional partner it will be a way for Jello to be able to leave me and not feel bad. This is purely irrational and not based on fact. I know it would relieve Jello if I found a girlfriend, he is worried that part of me wont be satisfied by being married to a man when we started out I was married to a woman. He also is aware that my sex drive is a lot more than he can match (which is fine with me, I have no pressure on him, he should never participate if he isn’t interested).
However, there is a large fear that has surfaced. It is not rational and I know that logicallyI am worried that when Jello’s transition is complete and he is on testosterone that he won’t be interested in me. That somehow the change will make him lose interest and pursue other people instead.
Part of this fear is based on the fact that his sex drive will probably kick up when he takes testosterone. Right now our sex life is great but by far his sex drive is a lot lower then mine. This coupled with the fact that he used to like to hunt partners for one night stands before we got married (another indicator that maybe he didn’t fit in the gender binary as a woman). This and the fact that the fear the testosterone will make him interested more in women then me has been worrying me a lot.
Now, I logically know this is not the case. I have no doubt that he loves me, he wants to be with me and that I make him happy sexually. However, there is that little inner demon that whispers I am not attractive enough, I don’t make enough money and there is no way he would be just satisfied with me.
There really is no cure or resolution at the moment, its just something I have to work on. I thought I might share that fear as I am sure others have it as well. I think it is probably a normal (albeit unreasonable) fear. I know that Jello loves me more than anything, and I love him even more than that. In the end all that can be done is communicate and be there. Things will work out, I just wanted to express my worries to the world and maybe offer some commiseration with others.
EVeryone is worth something, God made you. We are not perfect but beautiful
Thank you, I appreciate that.
Even someone who doesn’t live with a dull background roar of anxiety might worry in your shoes. These are uncertain waters for both of you. In some ways, you remind me of my wife. She thought transition made sense for me, she found she liked me better as I took steps. Even before hormones, our sexual connection was better. But she (and to some extent me) worried hormones would change everything, that suddenly I’d be really into guys (i.e. the reverse of your worry for Jello. It happens). It felt really risky, for both of us, but particularly her since she didn’t really have much say in the matter, and I couldn’t tell her what would happen since I didn’t know either.
In my case, after 8 months or so on T, it appears I’m still primarily/exclusively attracted to women. Particularly my wife. I wish I could offer more than an anecdote, but at least I can offer one reassuring data point. Especially since it sounds like even though you have all these new worries, you guys have a great connection, and that it’s getting better.
Honestly I just really appreciate the feedback. I am happy for my husband, I know logically the odds are in our favor. I also know that sometimes my emotions will kick in and lie to me. I Just really appreciate your feedback. It helps a lot.