I woke up this morning with a lot of anxiety for my husband. I suspect it is due to a lot of things, including dreams last night. So this morning I have been working out in my head my first anxiety.
I have noted some of my anxieties have increased since my husband decided to transition. Like I have said earlier, I am a big guy, and I have always been protective over him. When we got married, he was a small girl, who had been assaulted in the past and because he was both a loud dresser (punk clothes in 80s, and almost always some variant of alternative after that) he got a lot of flack. This doesn’t even count the sexual assaults.
So when we married in 1992 I was always concerned when he would walk home alone, or pretty much walk anywhere if it was dark or in a rough neighborhood. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure he can take care of himself, but he is so much smaller than I am and he hasn’t really been in a lot of fights, so I am still overly protective.
Now that he is transitioning I have found my anxiety for his safety is even higher. Not only does he deal with the fact that he dresses alternatively, has a loud personality and is fairly small. Now he has to deal with being identified as gay (since before he was considered a heterosexual female by outside viewers) and what makes me even more nervous, if he gets called out for transitioning. Transitioning seems to freak a lot of people out when they realize it’s happening. I understand its unusual and therefore remarkable, but couple that with him being identified as gay does worry me.
Take for example day to day problems such as when he has to start choosing which bathroom to use depending on the situation. Is the situation one where he has to worry about another male in the boys bathroom might freak, or should he use the woman’s bathroom until he can fully pass? These situations vary per place he goes to and I worry about one of those fluke situations going wrong.
I know he is worried about me as well, and now that we walk down the street showing any public affection I will be called out for being gay (which I don’t mind). However, unlike him I am not small and I am fully looking forward to the first stupid person to get in my face. This is the advantage of being a very large and masculine body, not many people at all have an intimidation factor for me. However, Jello is different, he is small and I am worried easily broken.
The crux of the matter is I am anxious for him. I haven’t figured out the best way to deal with that worry, so this post is mostly a ramble by me about the anxiety itself, not really any solid approaches to handle it. I am sure there will be many more posts about this fear. Just thought I would share this morning.