Gut Punch

Getting to know my husband’s new look one day at a time excites me. I realize I already deeply know the innermost secrets of him, but his look is new and slowly changing. I think he is a hot guy.

Yesterday at Ikea, we were starting our drive home when Jello asked me if he looks like a guy from behind. I was honest, not really. Part of the problem is Jello has very girl like hips and ass, and the other problem is the sway that he has when he walks. An incredibly feminine walk, one of those melty, hot walks that some women have. The hips will disappear as testosterone kicks in, plus the jogging (and if those two don’t finalize he is getting liposuction). The walk is a different matter.

Jello has always walked like a woman for as long as I have known him (age 16). I know when he was young his school mates accused him of walking like a lumberjack so he intentionally developed one of those walks that sways hips and butt. When he was a woman in outlook (before he knew he was transgendered) he practiced that walk. Ever since I have married him (actually since I got a crush on him at age 17) his walk was almost magical.

Jello then asked me if I would help him get rid of that walk which had been reinforced by 25 years of practice and habit. It was built into his day-to-day movements and he couldn’t really determine when he was walking like that. I immediately said yes, of course I would help. I completely understand, I wouldn’t want to walk that way (and while it might be funny to have someone come out and call me on walking like that, I could understand his view). Especially since he wants to put being a woman behind him, I can definitely help, and I want to.

A strange thing happened though, even while I agreed I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I am not at all against his transition; it is something he needs to do. I knew that his physical appearance will change and I am ok with that. I love him. The gut punch though was hard enough that for a brief second I almost felt like I should cry.

That is something I haven’t done in front of someone for 26 years (I think 16 is the last time I cried in front of anyone, although there have been probably a couple nights over the years that by myself it was close enough to crying). Its not that I think crying is bad, but since I reached an adult I tend to get quiet and shove it down inside. Yes, I have a definite slew of my own problems that have NOTHING to do with the journey Jello is on.

I knew logically this would involve a little pain on my side, but it’s the first example of watching the woman I married get stripped away into the man I love. It is stupid really, I have never considered how Jello walks, never even talked about it to anyone. Yet for a moment (well a few minutes) it was the weirdest sense of something being torn from my life. I was doubly upset because I knew logically I know I shouldn’t be bothered by it. It is his body and his life. I have no control over how he walks, I do not own him, and so that made me even more upset that I was upset in the first place. Yes, even then I realized the ludicrousness of that outlook.

I couldn’t really talk for the next couple of miles. When something really upsets me (even watching the cartoon UP) I can usually shove it down into the hole and forget about it. It took me a lot longer than normal. All I could do was nod, agree I would help and smile, I wasn’t really capable of in-depth conversation.

It was a weird sensation watching as a portion of my old wife was discussed and stripped away. It is probably the only time so far that this transition bothered me. Not in a way that I want to stop it, but in a grieving way.

I know I am going to grieve losing my wife, no matter how excited I am about my husband. It won’t lessen my love for my husband at all, and I think this will make us closer that he transitions. If he feels more real to himself that can do nothing but help our relationship. I was just taken aback by the sense of loss over something I had never really considered more than watching “her” walk from behind and imagining being with “her”, when he was my wife.

This is probably scattered, I woke up at no-god early in the morning to write this. However, this was worth it as I learned something about myself.

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3 Responses to Gut Punch

  1. Pingback: Working out boundaries | Ramblings of a spouse of a FtM Husband

  2. steph1roth says:

    You are a good husband Lucky and he is very lucky to have your support. It is funny how the littlest things that we never think about affect us when they are leaving. There is lots in my life I never knew I’d miss when I had Aly and sometimes I want to (and I do) cry. I can sympathize, though my experiences are not the same. I’m excited to follow your journey.

  3. Pingback: Working out boundaries | Accidently Gay

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