Uncomfortable Day

Posted on June 2, 2015 by AccidentallyGay

hostileworkenvironmentI realize I haven’t been around for awhile. The blog isn’t dead, there are no home problems. I am just entering the last couple of weeks before my review, where my agency decides if I am made of the “right stuff” to work for them. The actual technical probation ends in early August, but the cutoff time to give me a pink slip for no reason is next week. So I have been working hard.

I did have to stop long enough to relay a horrendous thing. Honestly I haven’t even considered it much because it really bothers me.

My coworkers went on a tear about how horrible Caitlyn Jenner is and how she is only attention seeking. It was loud and being bandied about by several coworkers. I found this incredibly soul crushing to hear them. All I could think is that if they were this loud about a celebrity, I know they are probably saying shit about Jello (although it is a good thing I don’t hear it, otherwise I might be hauled away for assault).

I have always heard about hostile work environment, but today is by far the most hostile I have ever felt. Don’t get me wrong, everyone has been nice and there is no problems to me personally, but it really did trash me to hear them go on.

I really don’t even have the capacity to talk much about the incident here today. I still start spluttering angrily just thinking about it.

I will see you folks later, I promise no one here is forgotten. I really appreciate the feedback.

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Slowly up the ladder

Posted on May 13, 2015 by AccidentallyGay

headmirrorThis week my issues with my insurance has been moving up the ladder.

I first want to say locally all my management has been very supportive. Whether or not they are actually ok with it, they have been nothing but publicly supportive. This is actually better than I expected.

Some people have asked why I am being so public about this. Am I worried about reprisals or anything along that line. No, I think it is important to give others ideas on how people approach this situation. Plus I believe the more people that know, the more public pressure that transgender care is needed and isn’t for people who want to be different.

The EEO complaint itself hasn’t gone very far, after all this is the Department of Defense and anything takes ages to go somewhere.

However, the Assistant Director I talked about earlier was able to push my concerns higher than expected. Originally he had wanted to put me directly in contact with the highest point of contact in the DoD who could then talk to the point of contact at the highest level for OPM (Office of Personnel Management, the federal agency that is in charge of all HR/Benefits for all of the federal government).

Sadly, due to obscure rules I cannot talk to the highest point personally, I have to have an HR representative do it. Which is fine. So he put me in contact with an HR rep who has officially submitted everything I asked about to the Defense Civilian Personnel Advisory Service (DCPAS), the highest point of contact for the Department of Defense (not just DCAA).

I honestly don’t know how long it will take to get a response, but things have been going way quicker than expected, so maybe it will happen quickly. I do not expect in the end anything to change and we will have to do debt, but maybe it will soften things up and speed things for someone behind me who doesn’t have an option for debt.

Oh, I wanted to address a side note. I have gotten a lot of great feedback here about Jello and his surgery. Several people asked why does it cost so much. Part of the problem is we live in the Seattle area, the cost of living here is TREMENDOUS.  The prices are that much more for everything here. The median home price here is $481,000 per Zillow. I totally wish medical prices were as cheap as some other areas of the country. Although to be honest, I know Jello will want to be picky about who he goes to as well.

Jello is hoping to get surgery from Dr. Tony Mangubat with a TRANSGENDER FTM CHEST RECONSTRUCTION (http://www.labelleviecosmetic.com/transgender-chest-reconstruction.shtml). The procedure itself is $8,500, but with the cost of medications and lost work for Jello its closer to $10k.

This doesn’t count that he might (and this is purely out of our pocket as it is cosmetic) get the masculinization liposuction which is another $3500 +. We were fortunate to find out that Dr. Mangubat does take our insurance, which is why we are fighting my employer’s health insurance for the top surgery itself.

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EEO Update

Posted on May 3, 2015 by AccidentallyGay

headmirrorFriday I did it, I finally issued the EEO complaint.

My manager was incredibly supportive. He was disappointed to hear it wasn’t an issue the state could get involved with. He was glad I gave him a heads up because a lot of times an investigator shows up to interview the manager. He also suggested if none of this works, to try and get a class action lawsuit, since if EEO doesn’t fix it, that is about what it takes.

Once I was done talking with my manager, I talked with my EEO officer. Yes the same one that used the word “tranny” last August. However, she obviously has received a lot of education. She was incredibly respectful, and informative. She sent me the paperwork to start the actual complaint which I filled out that morning.

She also recommended that I contact the Assistant Director for my Federal agency and ask if he had any resources. She recalled in the last year he had sent out some communications about it but she couldn’t locate it. That made me nervous, but I figured why the hell not. In for a penny, in for a pound.

I then emailed the Assistant Director and asked him about any support he had. I explained Washington State Law Against Discrimination, the Affordable Healthcare Act and Obama’s Executive Action and my opinion. I was surprised, he got back to me within 3 hours.

He was very honest, he said this was a completely new scenario for him, but he would immediately locate the resources he could find if I could just give him a few days. Just the fact he got back to me so quickly bought him a lot of leeway and this is the federal government, meaning things take time. I told him thank you and I definitely understood it would take time.

I don’t expect we will get Jello cleared for trans care services. I am aware of the beast of the federal government, and especially since I work for the Department of Defense. Jello’s doctor informed us that they are the most recalcitrant and most unlikely to budge. I figure though it is worth the effort. $10,000 for top surgery, not counting if he ever goes lower is incredibly expensive. We could probably swing it with a medical loan (and we are planning that will probably be the actual result) but I hope if nothing else, this makes it easier for those in the agency I am in who don’t have support to get medical care.

I can’t stop being a white knight/social justice warrior. I am aware this may (read: probably will) torpedo future “career” options, but I don’t really care. I have lost jobs before because I called bullshit, and when it deals with my hubby I will burn the world for him.

Will keep everyone updated as things develop.

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The fight has started

Posted on April 27, 2015 by AccidentallyGay
AG hates this doctor

AG hates this doctor

I have been quiet lately because of a lot of stress at work. Not specifically just because of the subject matter of this blog, but definitely that is a chunk of it.

I talked earlier of our EEO officer and her words she used for trans. I have to say 7 months later she is respectful about it. I suspect it was purely an education thing (as an African American woman there are cultural issues with LGBTA, but also an understanding).

So I talked to my EEO officer the day I posted about it. I brought up that our health insurance warned me they don’t cover trans care and it was on the feds side that the rider came from. She was concerned and she believes that the rider couldn’t be the fed side since Obama signed the executive order last summer. So I agreed to wait for the confirmation from my health insurance in writing.

Well today I got the notice and it says specifically that “At this time, FEHB plans are not subject to the transgender ruling issued by the Office of the Insurance Commissioner (OIC). Transgender services including hormone therapy, mental health counseling and surgical services continued to be non-covered for FEHB enrollees (as a sidenote, FEHB is the health insurance offered to Federal employees).

So, that clearly identified that Jello has non coverage, even with Obama’s Executive Order and with Washington State’s declaration. That is a good place to start. The next thing I did was call OIC themselves.

OIC completely agreed it was discrimination, however they have no authority over the Federal Government. They also confirmed that even if OPM (Office of Personnel Management, basically the head HR for the Feds) said it was an insurance company decision, that in fact it wasn’t and that the health insurance was only acting as an administrator.

Now, we were expecting this, we didn’t believe something like the Feds would voluntarily cover it (especially the DoD). We expected to have to come up with a medical loan for Jello’s coverage, but I am a white knight, and I won’t let this go. While FEHB might say they don’t cover, the Executive Order says they should, and my EEO officer says it should.

This means starting tomorrow I will issue an EEO complaint. I suspect it will get flushed somewhere, but I will move up the line like I am supposed to. I realize nothing may come of it, but I have no problem filing a discrimination lawsuit (I hope I don’t have to look for a lawyer, but I will if I have to).

I know I could slink out, take the debt and just pay it. In fact no matter what I may have to do that. The problem is I can’t let a problem go when I see it like this. Someone else may not be able to afford to take out a medical loan (and make large ass payments forever). It isn’t right they can’t get the care they want.

Oh, and a side note, a month or two ago Medicare approved it’s first surgical services for a Medicare recipient and someone sued the US Army for discrimination for being trans a couple months ago. So that gives me a bit of hope. Not enough to believe I will get anywhere, but enough to still want to push all the buttons and make a big fuss until it gets fixed.

I will keep you all updated.

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A little uncomfortable

Posted on April 15, 2015 by AccidentallyGay

Trigger Warning: There will be mention of specific transphobic slurs in this post. Please don’t proceed if you might be triggered.

Hotel I stayed at.

Random hotel I stayed at on work trip..

This is a very very short post, but it’s setting up for future posts.

I have been at my current employer (the Department of Defense) for over 8 months now and I have confirmed (not to anyone’s surprise) that they are extremely transphobic. I don’t mean my coworkers, I have talked about them and it has been pretty accepting, but I mean from the organization itself.

I am not sure if I mentioned this specific incident, but it is worth talking about again even if I had (I couldn’t find reference). I was hired last August, the second to last hire for the agency for the unforeseen future (due to the whole capital hill budget issues). My first three days were filled with different meetings, classes, etc to bring me up to speed on the culture, rules and protections that my agency gives.

One of the first lectures/meetings we did was the EEOC training. It ran the whole gamut of women, minorities and gay rights. At this point, the head of EEOC (the lady in charge of any issues with equal employment opportunities) gave a speech on a new approved protection because of “Obama” as she put it. She said “Trannys are now protected by our President’s executive order”.

Yes, she said the word Tranny.

This was only an hour into my career with my agency. I think my jaw hit the ground and I just sat there stunned.

This was last August. The reason I am telling you this now is for some upcoming posts, so I just wanted to lay down the starting point of my journey through the DoD trying to get Jello benefits. Stand by for more to come.

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Society frustration and Youtube Let’s Plays

Posted on March 28, 2015 by AccidentallyGay
Yep, Marmalade and I are hanging out, waiting on my husband.

Yep, Marmalade and I are hanging out.

It has been a rough few weeks. Work is more trying on my ethical/professional mores then I had expected. My mom had a heart attack, dad is ill and birthdays everywhere. Finally our cat Marmalade passed away last week unexpectedly (but it was good way to go if he had to go). So life had been a bit hard edged.

This week a situation came up that is something cool, but revealed a big problem. It revolves around my video game let’s play channel. I host an LP channel and I talk about my husband a lot. I talk about our same sex marriage and I am proud of him. I am very proud of the LGBTA scene and surprisingly I haven’t yet gotten anyone freaking out at me.

My husband got offered to give me some keys to a game being designed on STEAM by his coworker’s husband. The coworker volunteered to have the game studio possibly promo my let’s plays and retweet them. It is a cool opportunity. I have never cared for making money on Youtube, its a hobby, but I do like having people watch the videos if they like that thing so this would be great.

The problem is Jello is stealth at work (as in 100% stealth). It is not an open minded place and last thing I need is the coworker or her husband realize that Jello is trans. Not that he really cares, but it makes his job hard. It also makes future jobs hard. The last thing in the world I want is him to be outed accidentally.

The problem is the channel started over three years ago and has over a thousand videos that I put up. about a year and a half before he transitioned. I talk about “my wife” in the first 5-600 videos constantly. I can’t risk outing him either now, or in the future (especially after his top surgery).

I looked at the channel, I might be able to either make private or delete 600+ videos, but I can’t be sure I will miss a video that might out him (and let us be honest, I am not going to watch 1000+ videos each 15-30 minutes long to check).

I could just delete ALL of my videos and start over, but part of me doesn’t want to destroy what I have here. So I am going to have to start over with my channel.

I hate the fact that society is so horrible to trans people specifically and in general LGBTA or other minorities have to deal with this crap.

Oh, and by no means do I hold Jello at fault for this. I know he feels horrible about it, and I have spent the last hour reassuring him that it is not his fault and to be honest it doesn’t bother me too much to do this. I love him, I could give a shit about “followers” and it is a hobby. I will just start over and have fun with it. It will give me the opportunity to rebrand the channel and maybe change up how I do things.

At least I have one complete series of videos available to put up that are new and I know make no references.

I LOVE YOU JELLO and this is not your fault at all.

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Medical Frustration

Posted on March 15, 2015 by AccidentallyGay

OPM-logoLast few weeks have been a headache. Last August I left my state auditing job to come audit for the Department of Defense. The money is eventually a lot better (I actually took a small paycut to come here with the increased cost of benefits, but if I stay here 2 years I will make 50% more than I made with the state).

I got here and like I have talked about there has been a mixed bag of reaction to being in a same sex marriage with a trans guy. Overall though I would say reaction has been good. However the medical coverage is not so good.

Washington State passed a law (and the insurance commissioner verified it) that all state plans MUST cover transgender care – including surgeries. This got us really excited, after all Group Health is the same plan I had at the state (well except 3x more expensive with the feds) and Group Health had just started covering surgeries. We were extremely excited that his top surgery was covered.

However, as Jello’s doctor pointed out, the federal government doesn’t cover any sort of care like that. I called Group Health and they confirmed it as well, the federal government has a specific rider that denies any sort of coverage. That means not only do they not say they will cover surgery, they specifically went out of their way to deny it. At this same point Group Health mentioned my old plan with the state had just been cleared to cover any trans care 100%… (well I do pay a 5-20% like I would for any other care but 100% of normal coverage is awesome).

I have called HR for my sub-agency, then the DoD itself and finally I have left messages with OPM, the federal Office of Personnel Management (they handle overall benefits). I haven’t heard back and I am a bit frustrated.

Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t expect any assistance when Jello first started this journey, but when we heard our state change the law, and that my old job covered it, I am a little frustrated that the feds can ignore what is required in our state for coverage.

Maybe I will get this worked out, but I know that is probably just a pipe dream. I figure once we are out of debt in a couple of years (and maybe I get my Master’s paid for if I do stay), I may consider going back to the state where I will get paid significantly less, but holds outlooks closer to my own. You never know though, maybe other agencies feel differently, I would love to be a VA auditor with Veteran’s Affair’s Office of the Internal General.

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We are alive

Posted on February 24, 2015 by AccidentallyGay

Just a really quick update to say the blog is definitely not dead.

Family health problems/emergency happened. Everyone is ok, Jello and I are doing great, and I do have a bunch to post when this settles.

Now back to your regularly scheduled entertainment 😜

Oh and my required Jello photo of the moment, damn I love him.

IMG_1939

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A Glimpse

Posted on February 5, 2015 by AccidentallyGay

It is funny, I hadn’t even thought about this incident until today’s Throwback Thursday.

In 1997 I am in the skirt, the hubby is wearing all black (before transition of course).

In 1997 I am in the skirt, the hubby is wearing all black (before transition of course).

Back in 1997 (when I was a young 26), before I went to college, I worked at Value Village. The place was mostly women (I think two or three guys out of a total of 30+ employees. During that time there was a sales promotion that was advertising using 1950s looks.

During the team meeting before this, the manager announced that he would like to see everyone wearing poodle skirts. Because there was only three guys total in the entire workforce, he always forgot there were boys here). He was annoying some of the women, they wanted to come in dressed as James Dean or one of the other guys that were famous.

He didn’t like that (but he couldn’t disallow it) so before the conversation wrapped up I yelled out “Ok, I will be there in a poodle skirt”. His head snapped back quickly and he started saying no. I then loudly proclaimed it would be sexist and discriminatory to deny me the right to wear a poodle skirt. He shrugged it off (I think because he believed I wouldn’t do it).

I have always had a problem with authority, it is why I have worked at, and quit so many jobs. The husband was also working at Value Village at the time (this was right before he became a nurse). He helped me find a bra, skirt and shirt, which surprisingly was very hard (then again, not really, not many clothes for 6’4″ people).

A close-up of me in the skirt.

A close-up of me in the skirt.

What I never told anyone (not even my husband) was that I was incredibly excited at the idea of being able to wear women’s clothing. I had always thought about it, I had wished before to be born female (and I played female characters almost exclusively in RPG games), but this was the first time I would have a chance to dress up.

I arrived at work that day, things went really well and I even got “ma’am” a few times. I honestly never understood at the time why it made me so happy (I do now). It was an incredible experience, but not one I talked to about people. I find it funny now that one of the older customers told me, that I and that “lad in black” make a good couple. Obviously at the time everyone recognized we were both “crossdressing” but it is funny that if things had worked out perfectly, maybe we would have transitioned together at the same time.

I look at this picture now, 17 years later, I wish I had pursued it then. I don’t really consider it now because I have become even more masculine looking, and I work for the DoD, both situations make it hard to even contemplate starting. However, I can still remember how awesome I felt wearing the skirt and blouse (even the bra).

Oh, and no I don’t believe it was a TV/CD feeling, especially when I found myself so elated to be called “Ma’am”.

Also, to this day I am sad we never found a real poodle skirt for me to wear 😉

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A Personal Update

Posted on January 24, 2015 by AccidentallyGay
Just a funny picture.

Just a funny picture.

I wanted to give a little reasoning to how quiet this blog has been (in addition to just being really busy). I have indicated before that I am in the trans spectrum as well, but have never progressed into addressing anything with it (my dysphoria hadn’t seem to be very bad) .

I haven’t brought it up here, because I have this fear of being perceived as taking away from my husband’s transition (I have a lot of self loathing issues). I figured there is no way I could get to where I want, so I would just ignore it and report about things that are happening to him, and to us as a couple.

As we hit the year mark (actually a little before that) we noticed that my hubby’s transition has been incredibly successful. It is going to take quite a while to get there completely, but he is doing great. I am incredibly proud of him!

However, I have unexpectedly been hit with waves of jealousy and increased self-loathing (not regretting his transition, but just jealous that he can do it so successfully). That seems to have set off a whole series of feelings that I normally plant deep in a box inside of me. This in turn has made it hard for me to talk about everything else. This was not something I had expected from my husband’s transition, and I feel guilty to even talk about it. Although he is incredibly supportive and he thinks I need to work on it as much as needed. So I have a couple of options.

One of the options is for me to talk to a counselor that maybe has experience with gender identities, but I have tried to go to them in the past (for PTSD and anxiety from my childhood) and I just end up running around them verbally, or they just want me to tell them stories about my childhood (because they are fairly unique) but have nothing to offer me in return.

The other option is for me to find a place to write it out. I have gotten wonderful support from people who read this blog in the past, and maybe I should consider that. I find writing out things is far more effective. I just haven’t decided if it is ok to write it here, or if I should start a second blog just for my issues that have started coming up. Either way I will post about it here.

Stay tuned though, we will be back on a regular (semi-regular) basis this week. Also, I am still anxious about this topic and me, so I am taking a childish way out and not crossposting to Facebook or Google+ (still to twitter and tumblr since I have people I know in similar situations there). The Facebook and Google may bring this up to people I am not really wanting to talk to directly (but if they actually read the blog, then that is fine).

 

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