A Personal Update

Just a funny picture.

Just a funny picture.

I wanted to give a little reasoning to how quiet this blog has been (in addition to just being really busy). I have indicated before that I am in the trans spectrum as well, but have never progressed into addressing anything with it (my dysphoria hadn’t seem to be very bad) .

I haven’t brought it up here, because I have this fear of being perceived as taking away from my husband’s transition (I have a lot of self loathing issues). I figured there is no way I could get to where I want, so I would just ignore it and report about things that are happening to him, and to us as a couple.

As we hit the year mark (actually a little before that) we noticed that my hubby’s transition has been incredibly successful. It is going to take quite a while to get there completely, but he is doing great. I am incredibly proud of him!

However, I have unexpectedly been hit with waves of jealousy and increased self-loathing (not regretting his transition, but just jealous that he can do it so successfully). That seems to have set off a whole series of feelings that I normally plant deep in a box inside of me. This in turn has made it hard for me to talk about everything else. This was not something I had expected from my husband’s transition, and I feel guilty to even talk about it. Although he is incredibly supportive and he thinks I need to work on it as much as needed. So I have a couple of options.

One of the options is for me to talk to a counselor that maybe has experience with gender identities, but I have tried to go to them in the past (for PTSD and anxiety from my childhood) and I just end up running around them verbally, or they just want me to tell them stories about my childhood (because they are fairly unique) but have nothing to offer me in return.

The other option is for me to find a place to write it out. I have gotten wonderful support from people who read this blog in the past, and maybe I should consider that. I find writing out things is far more effective. I just haven’t decided if it is ok to write it here, or if I should start a second blog just for my issues that have started coming up. Either way I will post about it here.

Stay tuned though, we will be back on a regular (semi-regular) basis this week. Also, I am still anxious about this topic and me, so I am taking a childish way out and not crossposting to Facebook or Google+ (still to twitter and tumblr since I have people I know in similar situations there). The Facebook and Google may bring this up to people I am not really wanting to talk to directly (but if they actually read the blog, then that is fine).


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8 Responses to A Personal Update

  1. It’s brave and honest to share it here, and I hope you can continue, if you feel comfortable doing so.

  2. I think you should perhaps talk about it here, I’m new to this blog but reading old entries lately I feel like this is the story of your lives. Your own feelings are just as valid and worthy of exploration here as anything else.

    But I also totally understand the desire to carve out a little slice of the internet just to talk about your gender issues. It’s what I did 🙂

    Whatever you decide I look forward to reading!

  3. Jamie Ray says:

    I think envy is a pretty common partner feeling regardless of the gender identity of the partner.

    As is the fear of being left behind in the dust.

    I look forward to reading what you are considering writing about your place in the trans spectrum.

  4. I stayed on the side-lines of gender for as long as I did specifically because I didn’t see myself as sufficiently tortured enough about it. By claiming that space would I cheapen/demean that space for those who were sufficiently tortured? Would it be an expression of male privilege to claim that space when I didn’t have a right to it?

    I had to get over myself before I did much of anything. It took two big shoves in the back to get me off the damned wall:

    1) Friends saying stop mopeing and get over yourself.
    2) Hearing other transwomen talk about their own experiences with that internal discussion.

    The experiences thing was especially useful, as it was in the same feminist spaces I had concerns about with respect to acceptance. A couple months later I came out as gender-queer.

  5. Lesboi says:

    I think either way you go about writing about yourself (whether on this blog or a new one) you well find a lot of support. I always enjoy reading what you write and look forward to more of it.

  6. rimonim says:

    Thank you for sharing this with us. I look forward to reading about your own experiences of gender. The love and genuine partnershop you share with your husband are obvious. As you nagivate this labrynth, I hope you will hold yourself with the same compassion and respect that you two show to each other. You need and deserve the space to be who you are–and the space to find out who, exactly, that is.

  7. ohemginalove says:

    My partner and I are just starting our journey and that has been one of my fears as well so I think it’s totally normal to feel this way. I found a therapist that specializes in transgender persons and so I go once a week to her plus I started writing my blog with the intent to focus mainly on ME and how I feel about our relationship throughout it. PLUS I’ve found a support group that’s held at the local university for friends and family. I think us partners need support from our peers too. It’s important to be open and as honest as possible so that therapy (in whichever form you choose) will help you grow with your husband. =)

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