I wanted to give a little reasoning to how quiet this blog has been (in addition to just being really busy). I have indicated before that I am in the trans spectrum as well, but have never progressed into addressing anything with it (my dysphoria hadn’t seem to be very bad) .
I haven’t brought it up here, because I have this fear of being perceived as taking away from my husband’s transition (I have a lot of self loathing issues). I figured there is no way I could get to where I want, so I would just ignore it and report about things that are happening to him, and to us as a couple.
As we hit the year mark (actually a little before that) we noticed that my hubby’s transition has been incredibly successful. It is going to take quite a while to get there completely, but he is doing great. I am incredibly proud of him!
However, I have unexpectedly been hit with waves of jealousy and increased self-loathing (not regretting his transition, but just jealous that he can do it so successfully). That seems to have set off a whole series of feelings that I normally plant deep in a box inside of me. This in turn has made it hard for me to talk about everything else. This was not something I had expected from my husband’s transition, and I feel guilty to even talk about it. Although he is incredibly supportive and he thinks I need to work on it as much as needed. So I have a couple of options.
One of the options is for me to talk to a counselor that maybe has experience with gender identities, but I have tried to go to them in the past (for PTSD and anxiety from my childhood) and I just end up running around them verbally, or they just want me to tell them stories about my childhood (because they are fairly unique) but have nothing to offer me in return.
The other option is for me to find a place to write it out. I have gotten wonderful support from people who read this blog in the past, and maybe I should consider that. I find writing out things is far more effective. I just haven’t decided if it is ok to write it here, or if I should start a second blog just for my issues that have started coming up. Either way I will post about it here.
Stay tuned though, we will be back on a regular (semi-regular) basis this week. Also, I am still anxious about this topic and me, so I am taking a childish way out and not crossposting to Facebook or Google+ (still to twitter and tumblr since I have people I know in similar situations there). The Facebook and Google may bring this up to people I am not really wanting to talk to directly (but if they actually read the blog, then that is fine).