Yep, Marmalade and I are hanging out.
It has been a rough few weeks. Work is more trying on my ethical/professional mores then I had expected. My mom had a heart attack, dad is ill and birthdays everywhere. Finally our cat Marmalade passed away last week unexpectedly (but it was good way to go if he had to go). So life had been a bit hard edged.
This week a situation came up that is something cool, but revealed a big problem. It revolves around my video game let’s play channel. I host an LP channel and I talk about my husband a lot. I talk about our same sex marriage and I am proud of him. I am very proud of the LGBTA scene and surprisingly I haven’t yet gotten anyone freaking out at me.
My husband got offered to give me some keys to a game being designed on STEAM by his coworker’s husband. The coworker volunteered to have the game studio possibly promo my let’s plays and retweet them. It is a cool opportunity. I have never cared for making money on Youtube, its a hobby, but I do like having people watch the videos if they like that thing so this would be great.
The problem is Jello is stealth at work (as in 100% stealth). It is not an open minded place and last thing I need is the coworker or her husband realize that Jello is trans. Not that he really cares, but it makes his job hard. It also makes future jobs hard. The last thing in the world I want is him to be outed accidentally.
The problem is the channel started over three years ago and has over a thousand videos that I put up. about a year and a half before he transitioned. I talk about “my wife” in the first 5-600 videos constantly. I can’t risk outing him either now, or in the future (especially after his top surgery).
I looked at the channel, I might be able to either make private or delete 600+ videos, but I can’t be sure I will miss a video that might out him (and let us be honest, I am not going to watch 1000+ videos each 15-30 minutes long to check).
I could just delete ALL of my videos and start over, but part of me doesn’t want to destroy what I have here. So I am going to have to start over with my channel.
I hate the fact that society is so horrible to trans people specifically and in general LGBTA or other minorities have to deal with this crap.
Oh, and by no means do I hold Jello at fault for this. I know he feels horrible about it, and I have spent the last hour reassuring him that it is not his fault and to be honest it doesn’t bother me too much to do this. I love him, I could give a shit about “followers” and it is a hobby. I will just start over and have fun with it. It will give me the opportunity to rebrand the channel and maybe change up how I do things.
At least I have one complete series of videos available to put up that are new and I know make no references.
I LOVE YOU JELLO and this is not your fault at all.
Accidently Gay 
It’s interesting you say this as I’ve been thinking something similar lately. I run a little pop culture blog and a small podcast with just a couple hundred listeners. Those things are important to me… but I am not out in any capacity on that side. I write and podcast as male, having started both before I decided I want to transition, coming out to everyone is inevitable but I worry about losing my little fun safe space. So our situations are very different really, but it’s another instance of navigating what to do with regards to a potential negative backlash.
I think I’ll be okay. But I’ve not yet decided if I’ll lock down this personal blog or not. The alternative is to let a lot of people in on a very vulnerable and personal side of my life that has so far remained entirely separate from my “other” online presence. I don’t have to let people in on everything. But it’s impossible to not come out as transgender if I want to keep both things going uninterrupted.
That is a hard decision. If I had been transitioning I think I might have kept everything, but with it being the spouse (and someone more important then even me) I want to make sure to not make his life harder.
The vulnerable part is what sucks too. So I definitely understand you.
Don’t destroy anything – there may come a time when Jello is settled enough and tired of being stealth. It is very, very, difficult to maintain stealth (the handful of trans guys I know are not stealth once they get to know someone although they don’t announce it right off the bat). The world is too small a place (even without the internet) to completely erase your past – but right now you’ve got to figure out a way to protect Jello even if you only put up new stuff.
I won’t destroy the channel, just separate from it. I appreciate the feedback though, it does really reassure me.
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This is a good example of how hard it is to truly be stealth. My spouse is transitioning (MTF) and I think she would someday prefer to be stealth… but as you’ve illustrated, there are limits on the extent to which we can re-write history. I think it’s different when one transitions as a teen. When one is older, with kids, co-workers, and an online history… it’s harder! Maybe as society becomes less prejudiced against transgender people, the relative value placed on being stealth will be able to decrease.