Even though it has been awhile (a few weeks) since my husband came out to me that he wanted to transition from being my wife to being my husband. I wanted to give a little feedback about that from my perspective on that situation.
First, let me say it wasn’t a huge surprise that Jello wanted to transition. Jello has always been an overly masculine tomboy per our cultural norms. Jello has always been the one to work on cars, to talk loud, to take sex as a one night stand situation (Jello has always held the iconic male view on sex). I also know that Jello has been crushed in the past because Jello was treated differently then the other guys because he had boobs.
Also, we are tabletop/videogame/LARP role-players. I have ran games for Jello for over twenty years and over that time there have been dozens of characters he has played that rode the gender line or completely jumped across it. Our fantasy life sexually has been the same, we have reversed genders in role-play (it sounds weird, but it can be a lot of fun).
Jello has always talked with me about his worries. He started slow; by saying he wasn’t sure if being a woman felt right. Funny thing is, I already knew that. Twenty years of marriage to your best friend leaves both sides understanding the other far better then the other thinks. I told him I loved him no matter what.
He then came to me one Sunday night, after I had ran a role-playing game session for him and said he wanted to transition. It wasn’t a surprise, and I have always believed a person’s body is their own property. When he decided to get a tubaligation early into our marriage I originally ok’ed it from my side purely because it was “her” body and her right (since then I have determined I am happy without kids myself so it was win-win situation).
Jello expressed to me that he was worried that once he started taking testosterone, that I wouldn’t love him anymore. Up until this point, while I have played with both boys and girls I have ever only sought out relationships with girls. That did give me a little bit of a pause. Not a “will I leave Jello” pause, but rather a “how would I handle sex with him” pause. It took about 10 seconds to determine that this could be a completely new and fun exploration.
I do want to say that I totally realize its one thing to say it is ok, and another after he has been taking testosterone for a year and looks like a boy, not like a well-endowed woman. I have no doubts though; I will just take it day by day. I think the key here is to keep communicating with each other.
Jello was so surprised that I hadn’t even really hesitated and that I already knew. I mean there was a surprise that he had actually, finally said he wanted to transition, but I knew it had been coming for a long time. The only sadness I had about him saying it is I wished he had said it ten or twenty years ago. It bothers me he has lived in a body he doesn’t want for so long.
Jello stated up front that he would not go through transition if it meant I would leave him. I stated clearly back that if someone tells someone else to not be whom he or she feels they are, then they should leave. I would fully expect (and hope) that Jello would leave me if I refused to accept him. People deserve better, and keeping yourself unhappy just for your spouse or family is such a bad thing that I would counsel anyone to leave.
I want to address the fact that your mileage may vary. Our situation is very unique, and I realize a lot of spouses out there will be hit out of the blue by this revelation. Each case is unique and I don’t think I can do anything but empathize with someone who didn’t see it coming.