Dream: Corner Store

Posted on June 5, 2017 by AccidentallyGay

As a rule I don’t normally post dreams here, but this is so obviously transitional related I had to.

I woke up this morning with not a horrible dream, but there was something urgent to it. I think it was mostly me processing the hubby’s surgery.

The hubby and I were wandering around, getting him dressed in new clothes. This was post bottom surgery in upcoming November (2017) and he was looking good. As we wandered around the store the looks only got better. I am not sure, but at some point it time I realized it was a bodega that sold clothes he liked. Which is ironic since he hates bodegas.

After a lot of walking and talking that I don’t remember now that I am posting, we wandered up to the cash register. Before we got there to pay, I heard a car pull in and looked out the window to see a pickup truck come rolling in to a stop. It was a rattle canned Mazda pickup that we owned in the mid 9os, but it was the color of our GMC pickup we gave to my dad 10-15 years later. The truck was a conglomeration of two different time periods that we owned a truck (we have owned a truck three times in our relationship).

Out of the car stepped the hubby, pre-transition. He (appearing as a she at the time) was wearing boots, a red dress and had bleach blond hair. I looked back at my hubby and was really confused, as was he. It at least reassured me that my hubby was still beside me, and that he saw “her” as well. The young lady form of him walked up to the counter in a spastic manner that the hubby does even know, paid for something and walked out. I grabbed my current incarnation of a husband and said something about a time loop, or maybe a parallel world (yes, I guess a gamer might think that).

This is what he looked like age wise, including the hair.

 

This dress was the focus with combat boots.

I stepped outside yelling one of Wolsey’s old names (the dress was before our mobile home which means it was 2000 but he looked like when he was 34, which was 2005-6, both of these facts were when he had different names, the dress was before he had taken my last name, the person inside the dress was before he changed his first name to what it currently was). 

We ran out there, but that is when the dream sort of fizzled out. I felt like I couldn’t catch up with my pre-transition husband to tell him something important, and it really was making me anxious.

I think it was to tell him it was ok. Not yet determined specifically what “ok” was, but now I get the impression it was to tell him it was ok to transition. This would be about 10 years earlier then he did judging on how he looked in the dress. I felt like I was failing that person in the dress by not catching up to them, thus failing the person beside me. That is when my eyes opened up and I was awake.

It wasn’t a bad dream, I am sure it is me processing his surgery, but I woke up anxious. Not angry, scared or upset about how he is looking currently, he looks great, I find him hot. It did wake me up though anxious that I am not able to run quite like I did 20 years ago to catch up with him.

The red dress was one of two dresses he wore that have always stuck with me. The red dress in that picture above, and a purplish/tie-dyed sort of effect krinolin dress he wore when we originally got together. Both of those dresses always stuck with me in dreams when he appeared as himself pre-transition.

I guess I still have a whole lot to unpack.

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How does Phoenix rank for LGBTQA Experience?

Posted on June 4, 2017 by AccidentallyGay

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I have to admit it, right now my experiences in other cities dealing with the LGBTQA thing hasn’t been super good. Philadelphia was good, Denver kind of sucked, Atlanta really sucked, so coming to Phoenix I was pretty sure it would be the same.

It wasn’t, overall it was a good experience, barring one funny negative experience that really wasn’t negative.

Our arrival in Phoenix was marked by a rare homophobic event. We were in line at Alamo Car Rental, and ahead of us we watched a couple get harassed by an Alamo agent. He was pushing the “walk away” insurance, and all the extra things. He was pushing it hard enough that it made the rest of the line nervous.

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It was our turn, as we stepped up I braced for the selling pitch. He began a long spiel of why we needed the walk away insurance, that Arizona law lets them claim for lost days if the car was damaged, etc etc. It was then my wonderful husband spoke up and asked me a question, but used the term “sweetie” for me.

The guy froze, his head went back and forth between us, and without any further mention he has me sign off the contract and we walk away without him saying a word. So while it sucked he obviously had a problem that two guys were together, it worked in our favor and the spiel stopped.

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Our next encounter was at the Scottsdale’s Museum of the West. Once again most of the staff were older people, so we were prepared to get a hard time. When our tour guide Judith arrived to give the tour, my fears blossomed. She was an older, conservative appearing woman.

However, she realized fairly soon into the tour (followed by a second tour for a different subject) that the hubby and I were together. Instead of any homophobia, she just talked to us even more. She seemed overjoyed that we liked listening to the tour, and wanted to know the history. It was definitely a great experience, and Judith is a great lady.

Dr. Meltzer’s office of course is super accepting, so we don’t need to go into that, but the Greenbaum surgical center was an unknown. However we arrived there and ALL of the staff were great, accepting of me arriving at any time day or not to visit the hubby. At no point did I not feel welcomed. It was impressive.

The rest of the time there was spent mostly in the hotel room, so the only other people we really saw were the hotel staff and they didn’t blink an eye at us. I don’t know if they were ok with us, but they kept their professional cool if they did.

That means Phoenix ranks a close second behind Philadelphia in my experience in accepting LGBTQA. I am not addressing the governmental/legal standpoint of transgender people here, just my experience with individuals

Of course I am posting this Sunday, a day early from our trip ending, hopefully that won’t change in the next day.

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Surgery Trip: Day 6, 7, and 8

Posted on June 4, 2017 by AccidentallyGay

I am posting this as a combined post for Friday, Saturday and Sunday. That is because all we are doing is huddling in the hotel room, hubby is sleeping a lot and we are just waiting for the healing.

I did end up going out to get him food in the 105 degree heat, yes that is how much I love him :).

So all I really have are a few pictures to share.

Friday Morning, someone is sleeping.

Panera bread, so different looking, still so tasty.

More Panera

Friday night was rough for ghost

Saturday quest for food for hubby.

the heat sucked

Saturday night is still not good for Ghost.

Sunday morning

There we go, that was the boring three days. More to come

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Fears Volume 2: Grief

Posted on June 2, 2017 by AccidentallyGay

I think my article titles should have been thought out better with Volume 1. I should have probably named it Emotions, or Issues or something since I don’t think this quantifies as a fear.

For the last year or so I have been shoving emotions down inside. The focus was on Wolsey’s recovery from top surgery and our exodus to get him bottom surgery. This has been so much the focus I really haven’t talked about all the little things I am dealing with.

It has taken me a long time to even consider it, and I may not have done anything without the urgings of Wolsey to talk about it. The large gorilla (or elephant as the case may be) in the room is the actual results of the surgery, or rather what the successful transition of bottom surgery means emotionally to me.

I am completely, 100% supportive of Wolsey’s transition. I love him more than anything and at no point in time would I advise him to veer from his course. In addition, I find him just as attractive, just as great as a spouse, and I am never leaving him.

The problem is that the bottom surgery is the final physical bits of my wife disappearing. I don’t mean to imply that my spouse is only made up of the fun bits. It is however the last part of Wolsey, that looked like what he looked like when he married me and was my wife. Twenty one years as my wife, almost 2 years as my girlfriend (before and after a breakup) before that, and my best friend before that.

Yes, he is still the same person, absolutely true and he still feels like it. Sometimes though, it feels like there is a dog or gerbil inside me keening in mourning. Like something is missing. I look around and nothing is different, I have a spouse who is also my best friend who loves me and I love back. Every once in awhile, in the half light when I see Wolsey doing something I can almost make out my wife. This has changed over time slowly, but it sometimes rears its head.

Then the realization will hit me, that all traces of my wife are gone. Now, the actual soul is still there, but none of his physical appearance remains the same. He is more like my wife’s brother in physical appearance.

It feels like I am watching my ex-wife undergo a terminal disease. It slowly moved its way up on the calendar, and finally happened. So I have been working on coming to terms not with his changes, but with the loss of my wife’s image.

His breasts are gone thanks to the surgery, now he has a chest that is definitely masculine with no sign of the large DDs that were there. Thanks to hormones and newly acquired muscles, his shoulders, arms, ass, thighs and legs don’t resemble anything like he used to be.

His hourglass waist, was liposuctioned away and then altered by hormones after that. His face isn’t even close to what it was before, the gelfling, girly face long since changed into a broader, muscular guy with a beard.

His lower bits were the last vestige of him from before, and now they are gone. The elvish, slender body with big boob feminine form no longer has any trace of my wife’s visage, except for his eyes. His eyes still sparkle mischievously (or angrily depending on if I had awaken him too early).

I guess I could still touch his eyeball and it’s the same eyeball, but that is not practical.

I am incredibly happy he had the surgery, with his medical problems in that area, along with his transition this is the best possible thing that could happen. There will be a party for it.

I suspect I am a little more sensitive about it because my parents are gone, and this is the first time I have had any sort of grief or situation that I couldn’t go to them about (of course this isn’t including their deaths, but that is its own thing). I don’t open up to most people, I have a hard time being like that with someone who isn’t related to me, or who is dating me.

This probably makes me sound like a dick. I don’t have regrets that he transitioned, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about his old self sometimes. I just thought I want to be honest on this blog, and it would be disingenuous to imply that there wasn’t any sadness, or grief.

Maybe that will help others to realize they aren’t alone in grieving the loss of their spouse’s old form, even while they are loving their new form.

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Surgery Trip: Day 5

Posted on June 2, 2017 by AccidentallyGay

Day 5 was relegated to just a few things due to the hubby getting out of the surgical center.

I woke up fairly early and was tired but happy. I was excited to bring him back with me today. I wasn’t up very long before the hubby was chatting at me on iMessage. We both have been missing each other so I wanted to get into the hospital early to talk and hang with him until he checked out.

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I found the hotel pretty this morning, but I couldn’t tell you what color that is. So here is a color photo for you!

On my way to the surgical center I decided I wanted to try a local coffee shop, I asked Wolsey if he wanted some and he said no. It looked a lot like a coffee shop in Seattle. The name was Echo Coffee, and while I won’t say it “wowed” me with the coffee, it was acceptable (if not quite hot enough).

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God I am a coffee snob.

When I got to the surgical center I found the hubby gossiping to the nurse. He was telling the nurse about the incident that occurred in Philadelphia, between me and a “barista”. It wasn’t bad, but it was pretty funny.

When I was in Philadelphia for work training,  I went to this small bodega (really small) that sold coffee. I asked for a large cup of black coffee and they handed it to me. I took a sip, and before I could even think about it I had said “NOPE!” and in one motion handed it back to the cashier. It had to have been on the burner for hours.

It was a horrible burnt coffee. I feel I wasn’t being picky, it was just foul. The cashier seemed confused on why I didn’t like the coffee. Before I could say a word, one of the other people in my training in Philadelphia said without prompting, “Oh he is from Seattle” as if that was all that was needed.

The weird thing is the cashier gave me my money back, apologized and when I came in later that morning had fresh coffee. I still felt bad I had said nope and handed it back to them before I had even consciously registered it.

I met with the hubby and he was in his normal good spirits again.

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When I say good spirits, that means in his mode of “fuck you for taking a picture” look 🙂

The rest of the day consisted of me going back home, because they weren’t ready to release him, then coming back to the hospital and talking to the doc. He was less interested in talking about the hubby’s surgery and more about bicycling in Phoenix 105 degree weather. That is a good sign that the hubby is doing great.

We eventually got checked out of the surgical center, grabbed some fast food and the hubby waddled into the room and crawled in bed. I eventually ended up joining him, and for the first time in a very long 56 hours, I got to lay beside the most important person in the world.

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Yep, that is him on the left, me on the right. I am just happy to be there.

The rest of the day and evening consisted of hanging around the room. The next few days will probably not have much happen as he lays down and heals.

I am so damn happy to have him back. I don’t think I could explain enough.

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Surgery Trip: Day 4

Posted on June 1, 2017 by AccidentallyGay

Day 4 has come and gone and it was less exciting then other days.

The morning started out bright, sunny and warm. I believe it was 79 degrees when I went to visit the hubby in the morning around 6am. I know it was pretty, and I can tell there should be color there, but unfortunately for me it is pretty grey. However, for your enjoyment the photo is color.

At 79 degrees, too damn warm at 6am.

Today was fantastic. The hubby was rested up a bit more, he was feeling pretty good and was more talkative. He still occasionally drifted off, but we spent a lot of time on and off. I ended up going over I think it was four times. I would stay for an hour or two, come back to the hotel room. I would have stayed longer but I think I was having heat issues, it is too damn hot.

He was in pretty good spirits, must still be sick 😉

I went and picked up some lunch/dinner between third and fourth visit. Wolsey had mentioned people don’t buy ice cream and go home with it when they eat out, that it melts too soon. I will be honest, I thought that was bullshit, so I went and ordered two cheeseburgers and a small shake from McDonalds. I was in an air conditioned car (that was chilly), went through drive through and went straight home. The shake was in good shape when I stopped at the hotel. I got out and walked about 40 feet to the door to inside the hotel, then another 100 feet, I  got back to the hotel room and it was completely melted. I had been proven wrong, and hubby was completely right.

Torie did feed Ghost tonight as well, she sent a picture, evidently tonight was not as good. We have five more nights to go, but he will be ok, probably just a little feral. I am grateful that Torie is doing this, he would have been so much worse in a kennel.

So damn fragile.

I collapsed in bed and napped a little. Then went back and visited him for the final time. I got back and was anxious that he wasn’t there so I did some Order of Battle let’s play (military strategy game). I then crawled in bed and was completely exhausted.

Oh, and I was awoken by HBO playing Crimson Peaks, and one of the spirits was screaming, ya that wasn’t fun.

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Surgery Trip: Day 3

Posted on May 31, 2017 by AccidentallyGay

Today is S-Day, Surgery Day. Wolsey and I didn’t sleep much at all overnight, between his surgery prep and general anxiety we both were a bit on edge. Oh, did I forget to mention that at 1am our fire alarm began beeping, signaling it was out of battery. Fortunately Wolsey took the lead and fixed it by taking the alarm down (after contacting the desk).

We were up at 0415 and nope, we weren’t feeling any better than 1am. We gathered our clothes together, got dressed and headed out to Greenbaum Surgery Center at 0500. It was completely empty outside. If this was Seattle the roads would already be busy, but everything was empty.

He is not happy this morning.

On our way to surgery.

We arrived to the dark surgery center and sat there watching conservative local news for about 20 minutes. It was then that Wolsey checked in, signed off the paperwork and got ready for surgery. I have to say the receptionist was absolutely the most supportive receptionist I have seen. It was very reassuring.

waiting in the dark.

Checking in to surgery.

We sat for awhile, watching horrible news, surfing the net, until they came out and asked Wolsey back. He disappeared for about 30 minutes when they came out and got me to come back. I sat with him for awhile, got to see Dr. Webb, and Wolsey’s anesthesiologist (sorry I don’t remember his name). Finally I got to meet Wolsey’s nurse, a great older man who was joking about his husband (I believe his name was Jeff).

There he is waiting for surgery.

I left, went home and ate breakfast. Eventually I was heading out to go see a movie at 10am when I got a call from Jeff saying Wolsey had successfully made it through the hysterectomy, oophorectomy, and vaginectomy with no problems at all. All that was left was medioplasty. This meant he might be out before the movie was over, so instead I swung by Arizona Territory, a souvenir store and picked him up an Arizona souvenir spoon and an Arizona Ranger badge.

It was hours of waiting for him to get out of surgery. Eventually I got a call that he was out and in recovery. Instead of going directly there (well I went there and found he couldn’t have visitors) I went and had a nice lunch at the local Denny’s. I haven’t been in a Denny’s in years, and the last two times sucked, but this was like the Denny’s from my teen years and was worth it.

I finally got back to the hospital and he was in his room. He was incredibly smiley, still drugged but happy to see me. He was in great shape and between falling asleep he would chat with me. After about an hour and a half I left him so he could fully sleep. I went back to the hotel and laid in bed waiting to fall asleep, I would go into see him as soon as I was up and moving. Damn even one night away from him is hard, tomorrow night will be twice as hard.

Hubby and his signature hand move.

Oh, and Ghost had eaten his food yesterday so when our friend came over she found him again not too keen on her being there. I feel bad for him.

Such a fragile creature

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He is out!

Posted on May 31, 2017 by AccidentallyGay

Just a really quick note, he is out of surgery and it went extremely well! No complications on anything, the staff were awesome and I will post more soon!

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Surgery Trip: Day 2

Posted on May 30, 2017 by AccidentallyGay

This is also crossposted in my personal blog, because it is that important.

The first full day in Scottsdale and I woke up and wandered around outside. It was a chilly 78 degrees (sarcasm) but a beautiful sunrise.

I can’t see any different sunrise colors, just a pale yellow for me, but I figure I will leave it color for those non-colorblind people.

There are a lot of businesses around our hotel. The Lo-Lo’s I talked about yesterday, a Denny’s, a horrible Albertson’s that didn’t have anything we needed and an old school Safeway. The most unique thing I forget is in other states is the over advertisement for guns. Especially when they offer to sell you guns, and give you loans in the same place. Seems weird to be desperate enough to need to get a loan, but hey, while you are here go ahead and buy a gun. I realize this is in Seattle area as well, but not nearly as common.

Guns and loans (especially title loans) somehow not making me feel safe.

We then went to the hubby’s pre-op appointment and spoke with Dr. Meltzer and Dr. Ley. It was great to see them again. The Doctors both checked the hubby and everything was good to go. We then got to meet Dr. Webb, the OBGYN that will be doing the hysterectomy, oophorectomy, and vaginectomy. I was amused by Dr. Webb, he seems pretty laid back. Overall seeing all three doctors really reassured me.

He is so thrilled, and I am excited for him.

We didn’t do much the rest of the day. We went back to the hotel room, napped a bit and waited for the hubby to start his prep for surgery. While we were there, our friend Torie was kind enough to go feed Ghost (our cat). Here he is waiting in the hubby’s computer chair, disappointed we haven’t come home.

He is fragile, this is actually pretty brave of him.

Finally at 5pm it was time for the hubby to start his preparation for the surgery, it involved a very uncomfortable drink and a long night. Here he is looking anxious about the process,

That was it for the second day. Tomorrow he goes into surgery, and things will progress. I am both excited and terrified for him. I also love him more than anything in this universe.

 

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Fears Volume 1 “Death/Disability”

Posted on May 29, 2017 by AccidentallyGay

I have been worried about journaling my anxiety. I have been rife with anxieties, fears and negative thoughts. Not about the hubby becoming fully who he is, but rather for other (mostly selfish) reasons that I will address here, and later. As a side note, that anxiety has helped me lose 12 pounds in last two weeks (although it isn’t too big of a deal, I naturally fluctuate between 20lbs).

My first fear is of him dying or being injury badly. This rests once again back with his top surgery. I am terrified that something is going to happen to him while he is under anesthesia, or worse yet a follow up complication. I logically know it is very unlikely, but it still something that eats at me.

During his top surgery we had everything planned out. Time was taken off from work, we had arranged to not visit my parents during that time, all my hobbies/social interaction was scheduled so as not to interfere.

My dad had been in and out of the ER in late January, but that wasn’t new, winters are hard on my dad and this seemed to be just more of the same. I took hubby in and sat with him while they prepped his surgery, of course they had to kick me out eventually, but that was ok.

They finally released him (hubby) from surgery, and as he was spraying blood and fluid from the 7 different open drains they had in him. This meant hourly to every other hour of rolling him out of bed, carry/guide him to the bathroom. While he was on the toilet (liposuction makes you have to pee constantly) I would clean off the bed, throw the chucks away, replace them with new chucks, make sure the plastic bags below the chucks were still in condition to be used then try to feed and hold him between it.

Combine this with taking care of my dad, whom I had to also rush up daily (250 miles round trip daily). It was probably the worst two weeks of my life, although I was so exhausted I don’t really remember what I did.

Wolsey did eventually recover, we buried my father and things healed. Now we are on the eve of his next surgery and I have been wracked with nightmares of his health. Worried that I am going to get a call from the doctor saying there were complications. I have been dreaming constantly of getting news he passed away, or had an aneurysm and could never get off of life support.

Over the last week I was waking up between 1-2:30am, and with no sleep it is just a cycle of doom. It really made work tough, and no doubt tough for Wolsey to be around me if I let it out. Last thing I wanted to do was bring him down, he is the one getting surgery. It is about him.

Fortunately, this will be done tomorrow and I can move onto worrying about next time (or some other random thing). I just wanted to share this anxiety, to let other spouses know that it is ok that you have fears, and that others have been through it. I am always here if anyone wants or needs to talk.

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