I have been worried about journaling my anxiety. I have been rife with anxieties, fears and negative thoughts. Not about the hubby becoming fully who he is, but rather for other (mostly selfish) reasons that I will address here, and later. As a side note, that anxiety has helped me lose 12 pounds in last two weeks (although it isn’t too big of a deal, I naturally fluctuate between 20lbs).
My first fear is of him dying or being injury badly. This rests once again back with his top surgery. I am terrified that something is going to happen to him while he is under anesthesia, or worse yet a follow up complication. I logically know it is very unlikely, but it still something that eats at me.
During his top surgery we had everything planned out. Time was taken off from work, we had arranged to not visit my parents during that time, all my hobbies/social interaction was scheduled so as not to interfere.
My dad had been in and out of the ER in late January, but that wasn’t new, winters are hard on my dad and this seemed to be just more of the same. I took hubby in and sat with him while they prepped his surgery, of course they had to kick me out eventually, but that was ok.
They finally released him (hubby) from surgery, and as he was spraying blood and fluid from the 7 different open drains they had in him. This meant hourly to every other hour of rolling him out of bed, carry/guide him to the bathroom. While he was on the toilet (liposuction makes you have to pee constantly) I would clean off the bed, throw the chucks away, replace them with new chucks, make sure the plastic bags below the chucks were still in condition to be used then try to feed and hold him between it.
Combine this with taking care of my dad, whom I had to also rush up daily (250 miles round trip daily). It was probably the worst two weeks of my life, although I was so exhausted I don’t really remember what I did.
Wolsey did eventually recover, we buried my father and things healed. Now we are on the eve of his next surgery and I have been wracked with nightmares of his health. Worried that I am going to get a call from the doctor saying there were complications. I have been dreaming constantly of getting news he passed away, or had an aneurysm and could never get off of life support.
Over the last week I was waking up between 1-2:30am, and with no sleep it is just a cycle of doom. It really made work tough, and no doubt tough for Wolsey to be around me if I let it out. Last thing I wanted to do was bring him down, he is the one getting surgery. It is about him.
Fortunately, this will be done tomorrow and I can move onto worrying about next time (or some other random thing). I just wanted to share this anxiety, to let other spouses know that it is ok that you have fears, and that others have been through it. I am always here if anyone wants or needs to talk.