Jello, my wonderful FTM husband has started a new blog dedicated to trans people with pets pictures. (click picture or subtext to link to tumblr account).
Last Sunday Jello and I went to a local breakfast place for a nice Sunday breakfast. The last time we had been there was a couple years ago (long before Jello’s transition started). We got out of the car and were talking about the lamb meat at the place was always a little over cooked (it is a Greek/American place). The waitress was outside cleaning the outside tables and she noticed us, the first thought I had was that she had heard us talking about the restaurant and its tendency to overcook lamb.
We went into the place, she sat us at the table. Her whole demeanor was ice cold, she wouldn’t even look at us. She kept glaring at Jello, who had been the one talking when she heard. A few minutes later a much younger waitress came over and helped us for the rest of the meal (the other, older waitress, wouldn’t even look at us).
We got home a little bit later and Jello was talking about our treatment (especially how the waitress was eyeballing and giving subtle micro-aggressive acts towards him). We got into a small verbal “debate”. I felt the waitress was being a jerk because of the subject we were talking about when she saw us, Jello maintained that it was because of his trans status. I thought that was ridiculous, and it couldn’t have been that.
Jello told me about some of the interactions he witnessed behind my back, in the kitchen, regarding the older waitress and the younger one after we got into the restaurant. Things that obviously were transphobic including eye rolling, nodding and pointing to our table. I stopped and thought about it and realized he was right (which made me really angry at the waitress). I was briefly upset that Jello hadn’t told me when he saw it at the restaurant. He explained he just didn’t want to deal with it. He had been dealing with this kind of crap when everyone assumed (and partially so) that he was a lesbian (since it was before the transition).
Now that I am thinking about it I can see what Jello was talking about. I had assumed there was nothing about us that bothered the waitress specifically other then our initial interaction. I thought that maybe she was being bitchy and over-reactive to our words about the restaurant.
This is where I realize I still live mentally in my cis/het white male world (even though three of those four things are not really true). I hadn’t even considered that someone would dislike me because of my gender, orientation or partner. I have lived in a pretty privileged situation (not withstanding the extreme poverty I grew up in, which had made me not realize my other privileged statuses until I got older). My partners have all been white women that at first glance passed as cisgendered, heterosexual females of white coloring (actually none of them have been heterosexual or necessarily cisgendered, but it isn’t obvious when you are with an opposite gender partner).
At this moment I still am not worried about my physical safety (6’4” 280lbs means a group of men don’t usually scare me, as long as they don’t have a gun), but the safety of my husband worries me. It also worries me that he will be treated poorly. I don’t care if I get treated poorly, I LOVE confrontation, however Jello isn’t as confrontational and not even counting the gender status, he still has Grave’s Disease and even though he is in remission, stress can set it off.
I need to change two things.
It is just annoying when I realize I have so much more to work on. I guess this is just another step on that road.
First, just wanted to say I still live. A lot of stuff (non-lgbt) has been happening last few weeks so I have been quiet here. I just wanted to stop by and give an update though.
Jello had his first two job interviews. Both are with the same state agency, one as an auditor and one as a revenue agent. He looked really really good for his interviews (his first interview presenting fully as a man).
His first interview went well, they chatted with him and seemed to get along with him. However, at the end of the interview he warned them that some of his references may refer to him as a “her” and that he was transgender. He knew he didn’t have to, but he would rather be up front and if they are transphobic not work for them.
Evidently the shocked look wore away after he talked with them a little bit more. He doesn’t have a lot of hope for the position but I suspect they were more surprised then offended. This is the one he hopes he gets (as an auditor) but we both realize with that kind of reaction the odds aren’t good.
Jello’s second interview the next week as a Revenue Agent went better. They didn’t respond shocked at all and seemed fully accepting when he told them. He had a much better feeling out of that job interview (right now he will take anything). We both suspect that the other department called the interview team ahead of time (this is pretty common when both teams interview the same person and both teams knew he was interviewing with the other).
It was a rather frazzling experience for Jello, but he feels better about it (and so do I). I suspect he will have a job rather quick. I more want him to get a job to help his self esteem about the transition then for the actual money.
I have linked a post here about partners of people who are transitioning. Sadly not as much stuff in it as I would like, but it is something. Although I am starting to find more articles and support on the internet and especially from those of you here who comment and write your own posts. This has made me less anxious about my position in my partner’s transition, and I am really thankful about that..
I am not able to write up something in depth today based on this post, but I thought I would pass this article on to others.
I finally did it last Thursday, I told my boss and a coworker that I was married to a guy. My boss’s mouth just dropped for a second and I thought she was confused enough to be questioning if she was even awake. Funny enough my coworker didn’t even hesitate (but he did tell me later he had a trans-woman as a friend). Now, I don’t blame my boss for the hesitation, when I interviewed with my job originally last November, it was a week before my husband came out. So our discussion had been about my wife and our 21 year marriage. I can see reasonably where this was unexpected news, especially since we talked about marriage after my interview (yes it is normally a forbidden topic, but at the time I honestly didn’t think I either would get or want the job).
Fast forward a month after the interview, I get the job offer from them and get hired on with a six month probation period. This freaked me out as my issue with my old boss cost me my job shortly before the probationary period at my previous job ended. After talking with my husband, we decided to stealth it and pretend that Jello was still my wife since I was the only income in the family and my husband was trying to wrap up his college education.
So for the last six months my coworkers have been asking about my “wife”, not in a nasty way that my previous job was, but in an interest in how we were doing. Each time I flinched inside, and each time I almost blurted out “No that is my husband”. Each time though I would remember we are running on fumes financially, and the most important part was ensuring I can support him. My coworkers have been very nice, and during that time. Meanwhile I kept an eye on my coworkers during that six months. I wanted to make sure that I was prepared to jump jobs just in case. However, I hadn’t seen any signs of homophobia (but they are older Christian women so I was, and still am, unsure).
Well, three weeks ago my six month probation ended. Originally I was going to tell them immediately, but I felt awkward that I had lied to them for six months that I had let them call Jello my wife for six months. At this same time I had a couple of possible fed jobs (and it would be easier to go to a new job being in a gay marriage then telling my boss and coworkers the change in the situation). So I held on for a couple more weeks.
However, even doing that bothered me, I believe in my husband and it tore at me the entire time that I couldn’t loudly proclaim my love for HIM (even though it was to ensure I could support him). So Thursday, after talking with my hubbie, I sat down with my boss and just gave a brief explanation of what had actually happened. I confirmed I did not lie when I was originally interviewed and that at the time Jello was outwardly my wife, and that shortly after my interview but before my hiring Jello came out.
My boss was pretty cool about it (as was my coworker). I was surprised at how hard it was to say that to my boss though. I literally had to stop myself shaking before walking into the boss’s office. I knew I had nothing to be ashamed of, but this was harder then coming out to my parents (and that was hard). I am so pro-LGBTA that I poop rainbows, but I thought I was going to hyperventilate just before I opened my mouth. I still did it, but now I feel bad that I went stealth for six months about being married to a wife. I feel like I betrayed something, even though it may have cost me my job. In the end though supporting him was more important than anything else at the time.
Is it weird that I think it would have been easier talking to a new job and just being a guy in a gay relationship then it was to try and explain the transition? I am so proud of what my husband goes through and how well he stands up to people. I just worry I don’t measure up.
I was reading an article a friend on Facebook provided. The article annoyed me enough that I thought I would write about it (and partially hijack this blog, so I am sorry if it is very tangential).
The article can be found here: http://www.sunnyskyz.com/blog/277/He-Claims-His-Wife-Is-Not-The-Same-Woman-That-He-Married-You-Need-To-Read-This
My response is below:
Matt Walsh is wrong, and here is why:
As a married man, with a 22 year successful marriage with a ton of changes (including my wife transitioning into being my husband) I can say that a healthy marriage can survive. HOWEVER, as the only marriage in our large group of friends to survive so long, I can say we were more lucky then skillful. It isn’t just because we worked tirelessly on our marriage (which we still do), but also that we have been lucky that we both think so similarly and are both so invested in trying to work things out.
People change, both people in the marriage. Matt can be cavalier and say he expects the change and will happily do it, but the problem is both people have to change in the same direction if the marriage is to survive, and you can’t force that change. Sometimes people wake up and want something completely different, realize they made a mistake, or perhaps they don’t want to follow in the same direction as their spouse.
It isn’t wrong for someone to leave a marriage, whether it is because they married an abusive partner, or perhaps someone that they just don’t want to be with. It doesn’t make it a failure, it just makes it life. We only have one life, no one should force themselves to “endure” a marriage.
Also, just a note for Matt (the original author), marriage has only been about romance for the last couple of centuries (and in a lot of places not even that long). It was a contract for property, and children. Many of those “old” marriages that people talk about were empty and the spouses didn’t even live with each other. Also, at least in the Western world, marriages were a chattel yard for the women, who had no rights, had no safety upon leaving their spouse and had to cling to someone, even if they were abusive, otherwise face a horrific experience.
The guy you are angry is right, come back in 10 years. Sadly marriage isn’t something that someone both young and newly married (and three years is newly married for someone who has been married 22 years) will really have an understanding of the ins and outs. Matt, unfortunately you do not know what you speak about yet. Not that you are stupid, but just don’t have the experience yet to understand what the gentleman you talked to was saying.
While I am still unsure about the idea of a divorce party, I assume it is like a wake, which case I can understand it.
Just a quick update, my husband’s six month vlog on his transition. I am very proud of him.
My parents have known my husband for over 25 years. In fact my dad was the one that told me that I should date her when I was 17. They have always tried and eventually succeeded in remembering his name changes (he has had several legal name changes, it sort of makes sense now). They have always adjusted pretty quickly to his clothing style changes as well.
When Jello first came out as male, my parents were completely supportive, but worried that they would have a hard time with pronouns. They would accidentally call him “her” but immediately correct themselves. Unlike what I have seen in other transitioning people, they honestly didn’t mean to miscall the pronoun. This would freak them out and they would apologize profusely and explain they weren’t sure when might get it right since they had known Jello so long as a female.
I noticed yesterday on the phone with them that more often then not they refer to him properly as a male without correction. It made me really proud of them. They still occasionally forget, and then correct themselves, but already this is less and less. There is a learning curve, and the fact that they are going this quickly pleases me, and I think pleases Jello as well.
Just thought I would share that today. I promise there will be more updates, but Jello graduates in two weeks and my work should calm down. After that I should be more talkative.
There has been an unexpected consequence with my husband’s transition. My husband and I have always had different levels of acceptance of public displays of affection. I have always been very touchy feely. I love holding his hand, hugging him in public, holding him, etc. I do have to say I haven’t been about heavy kissing/fondling in public for many years, but the rest of it is something I have always had a high drive. I like to constantly reassure him, hold him, hug him, just touch him.
He has always been the opposite. He never really liked a lot of public displays of affection (except with the insertion of alcohol). He has always tolerated the pdas and sometimes initiates them (but much more rarely). When we were younger this did cause some conflict, but we have worked it out so I am not too pushy, and he was a bit more accepting. Also to reiterate it when I mean pushy, I mean holding hands or hugging him.
It has been like this for over twenty years, at least until the transition. Since the transition Jello hasn’t been very responsive at all to public displays of affection unless in a controlled environment, and it has diminished over the transition. I was confused at first, “why would anything change?” I would think to myself. I noticed that he didn’t want to hold my hand in areas we weren’t familiar, especially with lots of people hanging around. I was so confused, and honestly I was hurt a little bit. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to “admit” he was with me.
My husband was kind about it though and explained to me why it bothered him more. He had a history of being attacked when he was younger for similar displays. He explained the danger he faced before we got together when he (at the time appearing as a woman) would date women and be attacked by homophobic assholes. I listened to him, and I can logically understand his worry.
I guess this is where my privilege stands out is that I am a very tall and broad guy and never felt fear about anyone physically. It never even dawned on me to worry about someone else objecting to being married to another guy.
I do admit that at first I was unhappy, and a bit resentful. It hurt that Jello didn’t want to hold hands, or hug in public areas. Then I guess I grew up a little over a few days when I realized it wasn’t me, it was about the fact that Jello is a small guy and he had a history of getting attacked when he showed any sort of same sex or alternative lifestyle. Sometimes it is hard to step out of your own point of view and take into account other people’s worries.
I realized after thinking about it, that this is also another example of my up until now the heterosexual privilege, which I hadn’t realized I had lived with until it was gone. I am not used to living an alternative lifestyle (that is obvious in the public). It honestly doesn’t bother me, and it doesn’t help the fact that I like conflict and aggression. I have no problem engaging with someone who has an issue with my lifestyle. However this puts unnecessary pressure on Jello. He hates conflict, and with his medical issues it can prove bad to give him too much anxiety. I just need to let it go. I don’t want to make his life more difficult, and I like him happy so I need to work with it.
I don’t have an answer for this, or really any sort of resolution at the moment. I just thought I would post about it. It helps to talk it out here, although I have started to ramble due to no sleep so I will cut it here. I will revisit this later.
My husband Jello’s 5 month update on testosterone!
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