The gut punch happened for the first time in a long time.
Yes, that same gut punch I felt when Wolsey first transitioned. Not an anger or an upset that he is transitioning, but I think more of a grieving of what has changed, even though it is only a shell. I think there is so much more to it then just worrying about how he has changed though.
I woke up about 4 am last week and looked over at Wolsey and felt like someone had died. No one has of course, Wolsey was laying there beside me. My love for him undiminished, but I think its settling in that he is starting the process for the final part of the physical surgery/changes he is going to go through.
I haven’t thought of him as my wife in years, even lying in bed at no point did I think of him as my wife. It was just as if I woke up missing an old girlfriend/ex-wife that had left me or passed on. I think it had more of a finality then ex, so probably the passed on was more appropriate.
I talked with him about it. He feels bad about the changes and stress I may be undergoing, but I reassured him that it isn’t his fault. He is not to blame for being who he is. I am happy to be with him and that’s what I want.
We also discussed that his surgery is only one aspect of our stress. I am still grieving my parents from last year (well honestly I haven’t actually taken time to do it so its sliding out). It’s also partially due to finances, the funerals and Wolsey’s surgeries (including having to fly to Phoenix three times this year (two for a week or longer each) hits us pretty hard financially.
That is ok, we are handling it and it puts us back a couple of years, however we will be caught up in about 18 months and then we can get back to paying off the student loans/car.
It is funny though, I don’t picture my wife when I look at him at all. All I see is my husband. I know the pangs will get less, and I also know it doesn’t mean I am unhappy with his transition. I am glad that he knows this as well.
So for everyone coming up after me going through this, don’t feel bad about the weird pangs, or occasional grief that comes up. It’s normal. Whether you are the partner feeling the pangs, or the partner transitioning. It doesn’t mean anything bad, it’s just normal.