Article of us in NYMag

luckyguyJello and I got interviewed a couple of weeks ago by Roni Jacobson for NYMag.com. I really liked talking with Roni, I probably should have been clearer and not so hesitant in responding.

If you are interested, you can find it here: http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2016/01/what-its-like-when-your-wife-becomes-your-husband.html

For anyone new (or anyone who already reads this) I am happy to answer or clarify any questions (and I am sure Jello is too). Oh, and if you haven’t read my personal blog, or already talked to me, I am Lucky in the interview :).

clarification: The article refers that my grandfather was a Hell’s Angel, in fact it was a close friend of the family who became my godfather. I think I need to work on speaking clearer :).

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19 Responses to Article of us in NYMag

  1. I feel a bit of trepidation about the amount of information we shared, especially about our sex life. However, those are the questions I wanted answered when I started this journey, and they are some of the questions some of the guys I meet want answered when they start testosterone.

    I mostly chose to do this because 1. It’ll give spouses and significant others some insight into what happens when their spouse transitions, and 2. there are people that will come after us, and they need access to information.

  2. Ariadne says:

    I think this is a great thing to put out there. You guys seem to have a lot of insight worth sharing! I know it’s rare for men to stay with someone who comes out as a trans men, but I can think of at least two other instances (someone I know, and someone I read about) and my experience isn’t very wide so I assume there’s quite a few out there…

    I think it’s too bad that you encountered coldness from trans women and their partners. I’ve learned a lot from the couple of trans men that I’ve known. I hate seeing division between various LGBT factions… it seems so unnecessary and sets everyone back.

    • Especially with this blog, and the article, the hubby is finding more guys like him. That’s a plus for putting it all out there.

    • Thanks Ariadne, I have been recently learning that there is others out there and it makes me pretty excited to see. I didn’t realize how much it bothered me that I seemed to be the only one.

      I hope my comments were too bad, I have also met a lot of warmth from trans women (one is a close friend, although maybe that is because we were friends before her transition). It was mostly just a surprise.

      It is unnecessary, but hopefully with the acceptance changing on the outside, the inside infighting will decline.

  3. Ducened says:

    What an awesome interview! I miss hanging out with you guys. (I miss gaming too, but I miss talking about as much.) About the only place you’ll find me active online is Twitter but I lov^h^h^h happily stalk from afar. 😉

  4. Melissa told me I wasn’t allowed to have a beard at first, too. Now that it’s filling in more and more, she keeps asking “when’s the rest gonna grow in”. She says she likes it now. 🙂 Thanks for sharing…it really does help me gain a little bit of perspective into her side of my transition.

  5. Thanks for sharing! That was a very interesting read 🙂

  6. Fantastic reading! I really appreciate how explicit you were because it raised questions and proposed answers about so many facets of life. I like that you discuss privilege and discrimination openly and know how your own relationship is impacted by them. Thanks so much for posting.

    • We went around on whether to be so explicit, but the answers we both wanted were of that nature, in the beginning. We thought if it helps other folks in our position, it’s worth it.

    • Thank you so much for your feedback. It has always been helpful. Like Jello says, we weren’t sure about how explicit, but we tend to be all out in the open anyways and at least I felt it would be a disservice if we didn’t put all the information out for people trying to understand or those coming behind us.

  7. Jamie Ray says:

    Great article – the two of you raised a lot of important issues and shared a lot of personal information. I hope you were OK with it – I can’t imagine what it would be like if Donna and I sat down with a journalist and chatted about what it is like for me to come out as trans and how it has changed our relationship.
    It is great because there are so few (visible) cis male partners of trans men. Donna will sometimes say that it is not like she was in a lesbian relationship with me before and something different now – she will say she’s been in a relationship with me not with my gender identity.

    • Sounds like Donna and I have a lot of similar outlooks. It was a little nerve wracking talking about it, and even more so reading but we both feel really good about it in the end.

      Roni was great, I think the interview could have been a lot rougher if the journalist wasn’t as nice.

  8. Hello there. My name is Justin, and I came upon the blog through reading the NY Magazine article. I have to tell you, I found the interview to be incredibly enlightening, and I consider myself slightly less ignorant about the topics presented now.

    I am a 38 yr old gay man, who has self identified as gay since I was 12 but really came out at 21. I had told people before then, but when I couldn’t handle the stigma attached to being gay, I would kind of go back into the closet, until 21 when I had enough of the flip flopping and pretending. The early 90’s were a horrid time to be a gay teen, but the world changed so much in such a short time the kids just a few years younger than me had a very different environment of acceptance.

    I am one of those gay men that Lucky talks about that probably has been less accepting in the past. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have never actively acted against anyone in any form, I mean more that I am one of those who probably wouldn’t have “gotten it” and wouldn’t have seen him as “a real gay”. I think I am slightly more enlightened now, as a byproduct of both society’s willingness to have the conversation now, and also after reading your article.

    Regarding Lucky, as you suspect, its more of a “me/us” issue as to why gay men wouldn’t be as accepting than it has anything to do with you. We’ve spent our entire lives trying to figure out our sexual identity and to us, being gay is not about defining our entire identity around being attracted to just one person that’s the same gender as us; its about the propensity for the people we are attracted to to be be solely within our own sex. So, to hear that one is “into women, except gay for one FTM guy”, we would narrow-mindedly not equate that with actually being gay. But I am seeing so much more heteroflexibility in the world, and am very happy to see people embracing where they may fall on the Kinsey scale. Not to be crass, but this whole concept of “bro-jobs” totally intrigues and confuses me, as well as seeing all these young heterosexual young men being so confident in their own identity that they enjoy cuddling with other straight men without worrying about what it “means”. My generation bought into the thought that you’re either gay or straight, and you had to choose whether you were going to acknowledge and accept whichever you were, or suppress it. We’ve been really bad at accepting Bisexual men for the same reason – there’s this enforced rule of “pick a side” for so long from all parts of society. Sexual orientation is all about the outward – what sex is attractive, what sex does one enjoy intimacy with….

    Regarding Jello, gender identity is such a different challenge that I think is very different for people to understand. Whereas sexual orientation is about the outward, I feel gender identity is all about the inward; Who someone is inside, regardless of sexual orientation. I think that lumping T into LGBT has made it harder for Transgendered people, because the LGB is about sexual orientation (outward attraction to others), when gender identity is all about the inward self-identification and role. Trying to apply the “rules” of one to the other has probably created more unnecessary struggle for transgendered individuals. But then there is a bit of a paradox, when you acknowledge these differences, then there is a natural segregation – LGB and T, and the Transgendered probably were made to feel less a part of the community.

    Its only with a more open mind that I start to understand that LGBTQIA isn’t about what each letter stands for, but rather an acknowledgement that we are all part of a community of people who have endured a specific type of challenge that only each other really understands – feeling like you are something different than what society expects you to be from birth, and accepting that each struggle is different but unifying.

    I know I have a lot to learn. I still don’t know the intention of using the term “cis” in front of a gender identity – I’d immediately think it is creating a divide between cismale and FTM, like one is more male than the other. I guess the distinction between being born male and transitioning to male is still important? I would hope one day it isn’t?

    In summary, thanks to your article, and to the societal presence of people like Laverne Cox, I feel like I am entering an age of personal enlightenment. I still have a long way to go, but I want you to know that you have helped me grow, and that even as a gay man, I “accept” you both, and hope that you find greater acceptance from the gay community than you have experienced in the past.

    • I’m glad the interview was helpful for you. I agree that gender and sexuality are completely different, and this can be a point of contention in the LGBT+ community. It does create some challenges.

      I’m not straight, and even if the world wants to quibble on gender, when I’m out in public, I am “the gay guy”. By default, so is my husband. It doesn’t really matter if the gay community sees us that way or not. Homophobic bigots do. Nice, but ignorant coworkers do. We live the same experiences any other gay male couple lives because the world at large only sees two guys holding hands.

      The overall intention for the word cis, is the same for trans. Cis indicates the junk you were born with matches your gender identity. Trans indicates it does not. When you discuss gender and transgender issues, by necessity you need a way to indicate that someone is cis gendered as a way to identifying their experiences, because transgender experiences can be different. Both cis and trans are on the normal spectrum of human experience, and need to be identified in a way that doesn’t call one normal and one not.

      It’s kind of like if everyone in the world had brown hair, except a teeny tiny number of folks had blue hair. Since it’s so rare, most folks with brown hair probably never had to identify their hair color. It would be a foregone conclusion it would be brown. Then suddenly they realize there are blue haired folks, and instead of just identifying the smaller population, they realize their hair color is brown, and has a proper identification.

      Thank you for reading, and thanks for commenting.

  9. ELJ says:

    Hi there from France,

    I read your interview two days ago and some words are still resonating. It’s the most beautiful, honest, enlightening piece I’ve ever read about love and self-discovery. My partner and I are both cisgender and heterosexual but, who cares, what you & Jello said felt a lot truer to us than any other narrative about love and relationships.
    Thank you so much for sharing your story, and all the best to both of you

    • Thank you so very much for your feedback. Jello and I both really appreciate it. I really think what is between Jello and I should fit with everyone else who is in love (not the specific circumstances or problems, rather just the overall feelings). We really are grateful for the support, thank you!

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