I have been thinking a lot about the article we were in recently. The article has caused Jello and I to talk about my outlook on relationships and sexuality. I have gotten some responses on whether my journey is just as hard for a straight person or not, and I had to think of it.
I have written some of those thoughts here, not about the differences between straight/bi people with transitioning partners, but on my sexuality itself. My thoughts are laid out here, and they are a bit scattered. Future posts will probably define this in more detail.
I am still wildly attracted to women (cis and trans). My interest in women hasn’t disappeared at all. So as far as that goes, still the same as before. However, even with my interest, I find my actual follow through is a lot less. I have had several women offer sex straight up in the last year and a half. Some do it I think because of the situation with me and Jello (and they think I am interesting), and some women have shown interest just because they think I am cute.
I have turned all of them down.
It’s not that I don’t find them attractive, and not that I wouldn’t necessarily use imagery of them in my head for fun, but for some reason absolutely ZERO actual interest when they asked.
My attraction to men, is a more uncomfortable subject. In all honesty, I find men attractive as well. I find it incredibly hard to talk about, and I am sure this has to do with society’s judgment on anything same sex, especially when dealing with men. I have had fantasies that involved men almost as much as with women, so the attraction is there.
However, when approached by men, even if I have an attraction, I turned them down.
NO SOUP FOR YOU!
I am very attracted to gender fluid people. I haven’t been approached by any recently, but I suspect even so I would probably turn them down too.
I have never really understood my reaction. I have always turned down most people that asked me for sex. I always attributed this as fear of having sex or being embarrassed, but as I get older I realize it isn’t that at all. It is just I find the idea of having sex with some individuals not interesting. They were physically attractive, they would give me a physical reaction, but I still didn’t really want to have sex.
Originally I discounted being asexual because I like porn and masturbation (shock!!!). As it turns out, I am actually a really sexual person, I enjoy the idea, I enjoy seeing it, I like talking about it. But for some reason I turn down most people for sex. Sometimes it is just not something I am interested in, and sometimes the idea of sex with specific people actually give me a gut reaction of NO WAY.
I have only been on two dates in my life. The first was as a teenager. We ended up laying on a couch together and I definitely could have slept with her, but it seemed awkward and uncomfortable. The second date, it was with a lady that ended up in our gaming group as a friend and we never even approached the idea of being more than friends (I think that was mostly directed by me).
The people I have been in relationships with (either as a serial monogamist, or when Jello and I have an open relationship) have always hooked up with me after we were friends. Some of them I was attracted to beforehand, but I suspect if sex had come up between us before we became friends I would have said no.
I have gone to munches, sex parties, etc and while I find a lot of the people sexually attractive, the idea of just having sex with them without knowing them is not interesting. This doesn’t mean there wouldn’t be a person I might want to jump when we meet, but it doesn’t usually happen until after we have become friends. This is especially easy for me to warm up if they are a gamer as well and we have role-played characters together (especially if we role-played dating each other).
Recently Jello brought up the idea that maybe I was demisexual. The more I think about it, the more it seems to fit. It isn’t necessarily gender based either. I am wildly attracted to people I know. I like to have a lot of sex, kinky, vanilla, doesn’t matter but I am very sexual with people close to me.
One of the definitions I have found for demisexual is from the urban dictionary:
demisexual : people who are attracted to those that they are close with / after a ‘personal bond’ is formed, this is similar to asexuality.
This is not the same as ‘what a normal relationship is.’ for example, a demisexual would feel uncomfortable on a blind date or being asked out by someone they dont know very well.
This specific definition is what really makes me feel it might be right. I am extremely uncomfortable about dates/blind dates, or being asked out by someone I don’t know really well.
This is just an initial post, but I wonder if this is a major reason it is so easy for me to accept Jello’s transition and love him just as much now. You are all in for some trouble :), I think I am going to explore this more on the blog.
I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts about this! Most of what you’ve said here resonates strongly with me, and I also identify as demisexual, fwiw.
I hope it isn’t weird that it makes me incredibly happy that other people here are the same! Thank you for letting me know.
Definitely not weird. Knowing people she your experiences is sure important sometimes!
I think a lot of women (obviously not all) would say they are not interested in sex unless it is with someone they are close to. But if you examine it closely, it is more of “I don’t feel a sexual attraction until I have had an intimate conversation/cuddling/foreplay” kind of reaction. Which is not what you are saying about yourself. Really interesting!
You know, I have a draft of a post written that is extremely similar to this! I was having trouble tying my thoughts together enough to finish it, but perhaps I will be inspired to do so now… Reading this is really helpful to me because I have been thinking about whether I actually fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I have dated a few people other than my spouse but always pushed them away when the relationship started to get physical, without fully understanding why I was doing that. Thanks for being so open about your experiences – I think being willing to talk about this stuff makes it less taboo.
I identify as pansexual. Used to say I was bi but that is a bad description.
In the last two years as my partner has been transitioning I have fallen more in love and I am incredibly more attracted to him. It is funny because as my spouse becomes more masculine I have been more comfortable to express my own feminine type behaviors more than I ever have.
It is so cool that I am becoming more who i really am to others. I am grateful for my spouse and his love for me in our own accidentally gay marriage.
The same thing has happened to me. I have become more comfortable on my own end. It was an unexpected benefit.