Yesterday Jello and I were laying in bed, hanging out on a lazy Sunday morning before he had to do more schoolwork (he is graduating in four months with his accounting degree, after being a nurse for 12+ years). We both noticed over the last few days the tiniest puberty whiskers happening, the kind that are almost downy like on his cheeks and upper lip.
Yesterday though it was definitely easier to see and there was more of it. It was still very light, making it more difficult to see (it tended to made his face look dirty as opposed to looking like he had whiskers), but it was there. It made my heart stop for a moment and my anxiety again popped up that he wouldn’t love me as much as he would have as a woman. Stupid, I know (and I have talked about this before) but it was still there.
It quickly disappeared, the second I felt it I recognized that it was just anxiety and not reality, but still I think because it was another step towards in the transition I just had a momentary panic attack.
A good thing happened because of it though, even with my panic and worry about his changes, when I looked into his eyes, I saw the same person I have been in love with for the last 23 years. That person was still there and still loved me. I knew I still loved him, no matter what body his soul rests in. I know I will have anxiety on occasion, but he was really cool about it and we talked. It is working out well.
We also decided that today I would teach him how to shave… that is a bit disorientating too, to think I need to teach someone to shave. Since we didn’t have children I just never thought I would have to teach basic boy skills. Definitely an unexpected experience
Thank you for your blog posts. I’m the wife of an mtf person, and we are just starting out on my spouse’s transition journey. I have some of the same insecurities you write about, and it’s nice to see other couples out there dealing similar life changes. Best wishes to you both.
Thank you for just talking. It is reassuring to see others in the same situation. Also best wishes back at you I think the stress is worth it (oh and if you see someone running around as reinventing-lucky that is my normal wordpress name and how I follow and comment with people).
I just found this site recently, it was such a relief to see a couple who is the same as my partner and I.
I am on my way to having a husband and not a wife. My partner is FtM and I still love him/her just as much as I always have.
I am so grateful for y’all sharing your experience, so much of what I have read here is similar to my relationship.
Keep it up you guys, I love the site, we need more positive stories as most I found are negative.