I keep meaning to post here. We are back, safe and Wolsey is prepping for surgery at the end of next month. I figured I would talk about how things went, but I found myself putting things off. I made the excuses of work, medical stuff for me, but mostly work. In fact, I have noticed I am reluctant to post anything emotional for the last year or so.

I woke up last week and realized I am having a lot more anxiety about Wolsey’s surgery then I expected. I am worried about our relationship after the surgery. I know logically nothing will change, but this is the same anxiety I had with the top surgery, just a lot more urgent and overwhelming.

I have been having a lot of dreams about that anxiety. I have tried to meditate with my butsudan but with little luck. I would talk to Wolsey (and I have a little) and even though he offers me the knowledge that in fact he will still love me and want to be with me, it still is in the back of my mind.

I suspect part of the problem is that this is the first major thing with Wolsey and the transgender surgeries that I have had to deal with without talking to my parents. With both of them passing last year, I really haven’t dealt with their deaths, let alone deal with the support network they had with me now being gone. I would call them and they would listen without any judgment and then give me the support I needed (which included sometimes telling me to suck it up). They were the only ones other than Wolsey I talked to about any of the transgender issues.

I don’t have a lot of people close to me. I have some friends other than Wolsey that I game with, go see movies or just chat day to day things. However, I haven’t had anyone close enough to really talk to other than my parents and Wolsey for over a decade. I have a hard time letting people in.

It was also my siblings for a long time, and other family members. Sadly, with the death of my parents it was revealed I can’t trust any of the others related by blood other than just to have general small talk.

There it is, my anxiety with Wolsey, and my worries about his recovery from surgery (considering my experience with his top surgery at the same time as my dad’s death I do think I am handling that well). I am freaking out in my head. This is also why I haven’t even considered pursuing anything with anyone else, I just don’t have the mental stability to deal with new stresses in my life.

Even as I write this I know logically nothing but good is coming from this surgery. His physical health will increase after it is over. Our relationship is going to get even better because he can be himself more. Yet for some reason I am freaking out in my head, waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I am drowning. I guess I will have to keep working on it.