I never thought I would say it, but I hate any variation of “you are so great”, “you are so patient”, or just about any other phrase that someone makes saying how great a person I am for staying with my husband because of his transition. As if someone like Wolsey isn’t innately worthy of being with someone who loves him.
I never thought this would be a problem. I was surprised when Wolsey did transition to find that the majority of husbands do not stay with their spouse. I guess that is because I have more exposure to trans-feminine side and women tend to stay more, so I had just assumed people tried to stay. A lot of sources claim this is because women’s sexuality is more “fluid”. Not sure I believe it, but I am not an expert.
I know Wolsey was worried when he came out that I would leave. I know relationships break up all the time for “less stressful events”. I still don’t understand it myself, but I can’t judge others since I haven’t walked in their boots. This is not a “great sacrifice” on my part though. This is me staying there for my lover, best friend and spouse.
The thing I have grown really annoyed with is when someone tells l me how great I am that I stayed with Wolsey, usually in that voice that indicates it must be a struggle for me and that my self sacrifice is noted.
Let us clarify one thing, this is said usually in one of two different ways. I am only offended by one way it is said, the other way is perfectly acceptable and appreciated. If you have commented you think it is great I stayed, please understand you probably made me feel good and didn’t pull the “douche” meaning I outline here. I would have told you if I took it in a “douche” manner.
The first way is people say they think it is great that I am with Wolsey, even with all the additional stressors it adds to me that I didn’t sign up for. They usually say this in a friendly way with no judgment on Wolsey or on the situation. I really appreciate this. This is usually said by someone who are either in the LGBTQ community, or are an ally. By all means it is ok with me to be told this, the key is not implying there is something wrong with Wolsey.
It is the second way it is said that bothers me a lot. Usually they lean over and whisper how great it is that I stayed, but they say it in a manner indicating that Wolsey should be grateful I stayed, as if he was choosing to do something horrible and yet I am still staying with him. It reeks of that same tone that people use when they find out someone has cancer and they say “You are so brave” but in a whispered way as if it was a dirty secret. I always wonder if people even realize how transphobic that is. It doesn’t matter if you are straight, gay, asexual or whatever. There is nothing wrong with someone who is transgender.
Yes there are difficulties in my marriage now that I didn’t original anticipate. I am in a same sex marriage with a man that is a gender I didn’t marry and which I had never intended to be romantically engaged with. We get called slurs and some people get really judgmental. However it isn’t that I stayed with someone who was sick and I was “so brave” to do so. Life changes marriages… ALL OF THEM. I love my spouse, it doesn’t matter if he transitioned, or stayed a she or became a demon from the seventh level of hell. I love that person and will stay with them.
It is the implication that something is wrong with Wolsey that bothers me. There is nothing wrong with him. He isn’t a “crippled broken thing” that should worship the ground I walk on because I am with him.
He is a great guy. Full of intelligence, beauty, ideas and warmth. I am incredibly lucky to be with him. There is nothing broken, nothing “eccentric” (now there is a term I have heard used that pisses me off for some reason), nothing in need of me.