Question 12/16/14

schoolkids-ca-1935I got a question on the TUMBLR for this blog. I responded with my limited experience. I would like it if I could get feedback from my friends here on my response. This is how I feel, but I would love any feedback if possible.


Question: I’m in a long term relationship with someone who is trans (FTM). When we first got together it was before he had come out. I identify as a lesbian and its becoming harder and harder for me to accept the changes. Any advice?

Answer: I wish I could give you a quick answer, but there really isn’t an easy and quick answer. There are two pieces of advice I want to give.

The first advice I can give you is to be honest with your partner. Don’t hold back what you are thinking or feeling. Relationships take work, however there comes a point when it isn’t something that can be done (and  to be fair to both parties this should be talked about). What you should do is talk with your partner and determine if you reach the breaking point.

If you get to a point where it isn’t going to work then make it clear and make a clean break. They are already going through such a harsh situation that they don’t need to feel as if someone was lying to them, or only being with them in pity.

The second part of the advice is that there are other options then a traditional relationship. I haven’t talked about this much, but poly or open relationships sometimes work better than a traditional monogamous situations. Sometimes your partner can’t meet all your needs, and if arrangements could be made that both parties would be ok with then maybe that is an option.

Important to note, you can still support and be there for your partner without being in a relationship. 

However, unless that is something that is workable for you, you just need to be honest with your partner, talk to them and keep talking as you try to work things out. Once you know that you can’t be attracted to them, shift the parameters of the relationship or more likely just leave. There isn’t a lot you can do at that point except treat them with respect and honesty.


link to tumblr post:

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4 Responses to Question 12/16/14

  1. tiffany267 says:

    WordPress isn’t giving me a way to “like” your post – so here’s a “like”.

  2. I like your answer. Some other things I would think about are: How important is physical and sexual attraction in the relationship? Do you have any information that the transitioning person wants to stay in or leave the relationship – or change the parameters – such as being with new people? If you are not a lesbian any more, how does that affect your image of yourself? Will it change your acceptance in your community? Are any of these things more important than continuing to love and be with that person – assuming he too wants to be there ? Just my 2 cents…

    • I like your thinking. I had thought of that after the fact, I suspect the shorter tumblr format might not be so cohesive for an in depth response. I might write a post about the subject matter in general instead.

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