Uncomfortable feelings

Earlier this week I came home from work and found Jello giving away his old clothes when he dressed like a girl. He looked surprised and said that he felt bad that I caught him giving them to our friend Artemus. He seemed worried I would be upset at the cost. He had that look as if I had caught him cheating on me.

Nothing could be further from the truth, the cost doesn’t bother me at all. He could burn everything he owned and I would find a way to buy him a new wardrobe, computer, anything that day and wouldn’t worry about the cost (even if we had to use credit cards). I know that sounds weird, but its the way I have always been with him and the way I have always helped.

Artemus was worried as well, but I spent the rest of the evening reassuring both of them that it was fine. I am glad that it is going to Artemus, I really don’t have a problem with her getting his clothes. The weird thing is over the last three days something has bothered me.

It definitely wasn’t the loss of value of the clothes, but I suspect more like giving away the clothes of someone who has broken up with you or died. Jello hasn’t died, he is still here but I guess there is something inside of me that hasn’t quite let go of the wife I married. I suspect this won’t go away for a long time, that I will need to work this out many times.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Jello so much it hurts, that hasn’t changed at all (and it won’t). I suspect though that the differences are something I will probably struggle with for awhile. I am not sure why it has bothered me the last few days, but I think it bothers me less. Maybe it will make me feel better if we go buy him a new wardrobe.

Artemus came over the next day wearing some of the clothes that was given to her. For some reason that did feel like a kick in the stomach. I couldn’t tell you why. They looked good on her, Jello was there so it wasn’t like he was away for the evening so no association that he had left me, and everyone was in good spirits. For some reason though it bothered me a lot to see it. Stupid I know.

Actually thinking about it, I suspect seeing my spouse’s clothes being given away and all that space freed up might remind me of when we broke up 2o+ years ago when we were just teenagers and he moved out. He had a bunch of clothes that he had packed in garbage bags when he left. Subsequently we got back together six months later and that is the start of our marriage.

That isn’t all of it, but I am sure that is a little part of it. It is weird that things that niggle at you.

 

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One Response to Uncomfortable feelings

  1. Olaf Lutherson says:

    I have a transgender cousin. MtF. As we were growing up, he was exceptionally intelligent… scary -off the charts- type intelligent. However, he was not considered a candidate for surgery. His mental state was never quite stable (as with many ultra-intelligent individuals) for any honest doctor to proceed with the process. However, he did go through many classes on social behavior and etiquette. Oddly, this helped him socially. So much of his brain power became engrossed in the process that he was able to function socially in ways he never could before.

    Eventually, he went to Thailand and got the surgery and chest augmentation. Unfortunately, without the hormone work, he retained virtually all masculine features. He married his wife prior to the change and they are still married. He has lived as a woman for about nine years now.
    Despite this, I had never switched gender reference. Last we were together, he cornered me on it. I simply pointed out that he was the exact same person I grew up with, and nothing was going to change that. He thought about that for a moment and then realized I was not being mean, I simply accept him as I always have… my cousin. We then got into a pretty good fight over a buffet line – where I threatened to “pop his left tit like a bad balloon” and the Texas Rangers pulled us apart and made us sit at different tables.

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