About Accidentally Gay

Love Wins

The short of this is I am a middle aged white male. I am married to a wonderful spouse. He was my wife for the first 22 years of our marriage and then he came out and is transitioning to male (that was almost 4 years ago).

I am writing this blog to explore the my journey in a same-sex marriage and my own gender identity challenges. I would love any feedback, since I have found absolutely NO sources of men staying with their transmen partners when the transmen comes out.

I am also going to also use this blog to talk about my adventures in the LGBTA community.

22 Responses to About Accidentally Gay

  1. Charlie says:

    There are gender variant women, from the “butch” to women who can “pass” for male but still fully identify as female, to tomboys, to even farmers who wear men’s clothing because it’s easier to work in. I met trans men who still like to dress up in drag or in effeminate ways, which makes them no less men — I mean, I have friends who are cis and male, and wear makeup constantly. And if you still (want to?) identify as female, while your spouse identifies as male, while it would be kind of quirky, the technicality is that you’re still in a straight relationship.

    Here is a popular blog for partners of trans men: http://transmanpartner.blogspot.com/

    Trust me, there are PLENTY of masculine women, and plenty of tall women (look at Nene Leakes, about 6′ tall even without high heels, even if she is femme). Except for the equipment you have, what would make you any different from any other woman?

  2. tiffany267 says:

    Congratulations! Tiffany’s Non-Blog has nominated you for the Liebster Award!

    Please see details here:

    Thanks and keep up the great blogging!

  3. doubleinvert says:

    My marriage ended after 23 years due to my transition, but I’m so glad yours is working!


  4. DogDharma says:

    I have at least two pairs of friends whose marriages have survived. One was a hospice care nurse who transitioned to male in his 40s, and he and his husband are still together.

    The other also transitioned later in life, after years of marriage, from male to female. They are still together together with a grown daughter, and are very much pillars of the community where we live, very visible and very respected — even more so for the journey they have shared.

  5. I just found your blog and am really looking forward to catching up…this doesnt happen often and I really makes my heart full…cheers!

  6. nmwords says:

    Your experience is amazing, thank you for sharing!

  7. curiousmother says:

    Hi, I’ve just found your blog. You might have seen this article already, but if not, it’s from the Sydney Morning Herald a couple of months back. I didn’t think of it at the time but there’s no account here of a man staying with a trans man! Hope you enjoy it anyway. I’m really looking forward to reading more about your amazing life!


  8. tjuan216 says:

    Don’t get me wrong, I think your story is beautiful. But I read the article in NYmag and it seems (at least from the article) that you really ended up where you wanted to be. You are attracted to men. The night that Jello told you about his wanting to transition you were at least headed towards the acceptable of your bisexuality. This reads to me differently than a straight spouse who truly has to overcome their inhibitions. I think that is partly why your marriage survived. Women are given the tools to a certain extent to stay in situations that aren’t ideal or that change. But I think a truly straight guy wouldn’t have been able to stay because they generally lack the tools and like you said are given the message that their are other fish in the sea.

    • Hi Tjuan, I am not sure if you are the same person as over in NY Mag, but I answered a similar question if you want to check the comments. I can see what you are saying. I have my own prejudice that I don’t understand why someone can’t stay, but then again I have seen partners leave because one of them got sick, got disfigured and I don’t understand that as well.

  9. R says:

    Thank you for sharing your story, and being so open about your experience. It takes a lot of courage and bravery. I am not familiar with the transgender world besides what I am exposed to on the news, but your story is inspiring and your chose to share it is even more inspiring. Thank you.

  10. Sam says:

    I read your article, then clicked over to your blog to read more. Fascinating story, and it gave me more insight to a dear friend and his wife, who were in a lesbian partnership for many years before he transitioned. I guess you could say he’s now Accidentally Straight.

  11. Lori Perkins says:

    I am the publisher of Riverdale Avenue Books, a leading LGBTQ publisher. I’d like to discuss turning the blog into a book. Please email me lori@riverdaleavebooks.com. We just published Finding Masculinity: Female to Male Transition in Adulthood, which you might find interesting. We were also nominated for 3 Lambda Awards and a Triangle Award for books published in 2015, and tied for Bisexual Publisher of the Year in 2014. http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Masculinity-Female-Transition-Adulthood/dp/1626011877/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1458419283&sr=8-1&keywords=Finding+Masculinity

  12. jocelyn says:

    hello 🙂 I am a casting producer for a new tv show and would like to speak with you. If you are open to hearing about it please email jfillmancasting@gmail.com

  13. MrJ says:

    Only just found link to your intview with science of Us this blog today, but from what I have read so far it has helped seeing someone go through the same situation I am in now.
    My husband is very early stages ftm have only told very few people.
    Just wanted to thank you so much for sharing you story

    • I am glad we could help. If you need anything, even just to talk let us know (oh, and sorry logging in from my non-accidentally gay login, sorry about that).

      • MrJ says:

        I would really like that. We in a fairly small town so not a lot of support in our area still pretty nervous about opening up to family.

  14. clubtenna says:

    Thanks you for writing this. I am newly self-discovered FTM, 28, married to a straight man. Reading your blog gives me hope that we’ll be able to work our way through it.

  15. Hello Lucky,
    I am an assistant editor with The Advocate magazine… I apologize for contacting you here, but found no other contact information for you. We are interested in your story and would like to possibly interview you for the magazine. If this is something you may be interested in, please email me: desiree@retrogradecommunications.com
    Thank you!

  16. Lin says:


    I read an interview with you guys in NYMag and, thankfully, there was a link to your blog. I was looking for resources, or anything really, to help my husband with my future transition. I’m so happy that you decided to make it, that he’ll be able to read it, and mostly for knowing that he’s not alone.

    Thanks so much.

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